# קכט
קכט
Source: https://ajew.org/reader/alim-litrufa/2/129
## Segment 1
קכט
Overview: Sunday, 10 Tevet — the fast of the siege of Yerushalayim. Reb Nussun is weak and confined to bed, praying while lying down. Five fascicles of the new book sent — one from the beginning in order, four from the current place. The Shabbos teaching: every person needs much counsel to save their soul. *Chazar Torah chadi Rabbi Shimon* — the Torah of Rashbi's joy repeated, with wondrous novel insights. The manuscript note (Letter 129) reveals this is the Shabbos before a very serious physical episode.
## Segment 2
בָּרוּךְ הַשֵּׁם, אוֹר לְיוֹם ב' וַיְחִי תקצ"ד לפ"ק.
Your letter I received — and it was a comfort to me. And know — praised be G-d — that Hashem Yisborach in His mercies helped me and I have returned to my former strength — praised be G-d. And what passes over me each day — it is impossible to speak of at all — for we have heard much that Mashiach will tell each person what passed over him each day — and by implication — he who carries more people upon him — more happens with him. May Hashem Yisborach have mercy upon me and save me in all that I need to be saved — for regarding me it is said:
## Segment 3
שָׁלוֹם לַאֲהוּבִי בְּנִי חֲבִיבִי נֵרוֹ יָאִיר.
To: Peace to my beloved son, my dear one — may his light shine. [Yitzchok]
Your letter I received — and it was a comfort to me.
## Segment 4
מִכְתָּבְךָ קִבַּלְתִּי וְהָיָה לִי לְנַחַת, וְדַע שֶׁתְּהִלָּה לָאֵל הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּרַחֲמָיו עֲזָרַנִי וְחָזַרְתִּי לְאֵיתָנִי תְּהִלָּה לָאֵל. וּמַה שֶּׁעוֹבֵר עָלַי בְּכָל יוֹם אִי אֶפְשָׁר לְדַבֵּר בָּזֶה כְּלָל, כִּי רַבּוֹת שָׁמַעְנוּ שֶׁמָּשִׁיחַ יַגִּיד לָאָדָם מַה שֶּׁעָבַר עָלָיו בְּכָל יוֹם. וּמִן הַסְּתָם מִי שֶׁתְּלוּיִים בּוֹ יוֹתֵר אֲנָשִׁים נַעֲשֶׂה עִמּוֹ יוֹתֵר. הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ יְרַחֵם עָלַי וְיוֹשִׁיעֵנִי בְּכָל מַה שֶּׁאֲנִי צָרִיךְ לְהִוָּשַׁע, כִּי עָלַי נֶאֱמַר (תְּהִלִּים קב) "שָׁקַדְתִּי וָאֶהְיֶה כְּצִפּוֹר בּוֹדֵד עַל גָּג", שֶׁאֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ מַה שֶּׁאֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ בַּחֲסָדָיו וּבְרַחֲמָיו הַגְּדוֹלִים, וְהָרְדִיפוֹת שֶׁלִּי הֵם כִּמְעַט בְּלִי שִׁעוּר. אִם אָמְנָם הַכֹּל בַּחֲסָדִים נִפְלָאִים, אַךְ אַף עַל פִּי כֵן כָּשַׁל כֹּחַ הַסַּבָּל. וּבְשַׁבָּת הֶעָבַר הָיוּ אֶצְלִי אוֹרְחִים, וּמְחֻתָּנִי רַבִּי שְׁלֹמֹה וּבְנוֹ רַבִּי אִיצֶילֶי מֵהַיְיסִין וּמִכְּבָר רַבִּי יַעֲקֹב נֵרוֹ יָאִיר. וּבְלֵיל שַׁבָּת יָשַׁבְתִּי אֵצֶל הַשֻּׁלְחָן, וְדִבַּרְנוּ דִּבּוּרִים אֲמִתִּיִּים וְנָאִים כְּדַרְכֵּנוּ הַנּוֹבְעִים מִמָּקוֹם שֶׁנּוֹבְעִים. וּבְיוֹם שַׁבָּת בִּתְחִלַּת סְעֻדַּת שַׁחֲרִית הִגִּיעַ לִי מֵחוּשׁ שֶׁלִּי בַּמֵּעַיִם (אָמַר הַמַּעְתִּיק הוּא הַמֵּחוּשׁ אֲשֶׁר נִסְתַּלֵּק מִזֶּה בִשְּׁנַת תר"ה לפ"ק כַמְּבֹאָר בְּמָקוֹם אַחֵר). וְאַחַר כָּךְ בֵּרַכְתִּי בִּרְכַּת הַמָּזוֹן וְיָשַׁנְתִּי קְצָת בְּחַסְדּוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ. וְתֵכֶף בַּהֲקִיצִי הִתְגַבֵּר עָלַי הַכְּאֵב מְאֹד, וְיָשַׁבְתִּי כִּמְבֻלְבָּל עַד סָמוּךְ מְאֹד לְמִנְחָה; וְלֹא יָדַעְתִּי כְּלָל מַה לַּעֲשׂוֹת, כִּי הָיוּ לִי דְּבָרִים נִפְלָאִים מְאֹד, וְהַיִּסּוּרִים רָצוּ לְבַלְבֵּל אוֹתִי, אַךְ הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּחַסְדּוֹ לֹא עֲזָבַנִי וְהִפְלִיא חַסְדּוֹ עִמִּי, וּמִן הַשָּׁמַיִם סְעָדַנִי סָמוּךְ לָעֶרֶב מְאֹד, וְגַם הוֹסִיף חַסְדּוֹ וַעֲזָרַנִי לְהַגִּיד בָּרַבִּים אֶת כָּל אֲשֶׁר חָנַנִי; וּתְהִלָּה לָאֵל הָיוּ דְּבָרִים נִפְלָאִים מְאֹד; וּבַבֹּקֶר בַּהֲקִיצִי שֶׁהוּא עֲשָׂרָה בְּטֵבֵת נֶחֱלַשְׁתִּי אֵיזֶה חֻלְשׁוֹת עַד שֶׁאָפַס כֹּחִי מַמָּשׁ, כִּמְעַט לֹא יָכֹלְתִּי לֵילֵךְ, וְהֻכְרַחְתִּי לְהִתְפַּלֵּל בִּשְׁכִיבָה. וּבְדֹחַק גָּדוֹל הָלַכְתִּי לְבֵית הַמִּדְרָשׁ לָמוּל בְּנוֹ שֶׁל רַבִּי חַיִּים בֶּן רַבִּי יַעֲקֹב בַּעַל מַגִּיהַּ, וְחָזַרְתִּי לְבֵיתִי וְשָׁכַבְתִּי בְּחֻלְשׁוֹת עַד הָעֶרֶב. וּבְיוֹם ב' תְּהִלָּה לָאֵל הָיָה לִי שִׁנּוּי לְטוֹבָה.
And know — praised be
G-d — that Hashem Yisborach in His mercies helped me and I have returned to
## Segment 5
וְהִנֵּה לֹא יָכֹלְתִּי לְהִתְאַפֵּק מִלִּכְתֹּב מְעַט מִמַּה שֶּׁעָבַר עָלַי בְּשַׁבָּת הֶעָבַר וְיוֹם שֶׁלְּאַחֲרָיו, וּבְוַדַּאי אֵין זֶה כְּטִפָּה מִן הַיָּם, כִּי עִקַּר הַיִּסּוּרִים בְּעִנְיַן עֲבוֹדַת ה'. וּמַה שֶּׁעָבַר בְּכָל הַשָּׁבוּעַ בְּוַדַּאי אִי אֶפְשָׁר לְבָאֵר כְּלָל, וְלוּלֵא תוֹרָתְךָ שַׁעֲשֻׁעָי אָז אָבַדְתִּי בְעָנְיִי. וְהַיּוֹם בַּבֹּקֶר הִרְגַּשְׁתִּי מֵחָדָשׁ כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה צְרִיכִין לְבָרֵךְ בִּרְכַּת הַתּוֹרָה בְּשִׂמְחָה אֲשֶׁר בָּחַר בָּנוּ וְכוּ' וְנָתַן לָנוּ אֶת תּוֹרָתוֹ, כִּי בְּלֹא הַתּוֹרָה אֵינִי יוֹדֵעַ אֵיךְ יְכוֹלִים לִחְיוֹת. וְגַם עַתָּה כְּשֶׁאֲנִי זוֹכֵר יָמִים הַבָּאִים לְשָׁלוֹם אֵין לִי שׁוּם סְמִיכָה כִּי אִם עַל הַתּוֹרָה וְעַל הַתְּפִלָּה בָּהֶם אוּכַל לְבַלּוֹת יָמַי שֶׁיֵּשׁ לִי עוֹד לִחְיוֹת וְלִנְשֹׁם נְשִׁימוֹת. וְעַל כָּל נְשִׁימָה וּנְשִׁימָה דִּקְדֻשָּׁה צְרִיכִין לְהַלֵּל לְהַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ. כִּי סְבָבוּנִי גַּם סְבָבוּנִי מִכָּל צַד, אַךְ הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ לֹא עֲזָבַנִי בְּיָדָם, וּמַנִּיחִים לָנוּ בְּכָל פַּעַם הַנְּשִׁימָה לִנְשֹׁם.
my former strength — praised be G-d. And what passes over me each day — it is
impossible to speak of at all — for we have heard much that Mashiach will tell
each person what passed over him each day — and by implication — he who carries
more people upon him — more happens with him. May Hashem Yisborach have mercy
upon me and save me in all that I need to be saved — for regarding me it is
said:
I am sleepless and I have become like a lonely bird
on a rooftop
[שָׁקַדְתִּי וָאֶהְיֶה כְּצִפּוֹר בּוֹדֵד עַל גָּג
— Tehillim 102:8: the Psalm of the afflicted person whose strength is broken.
"I am sleepless and have become like a lonely bird on a rooftop" — the image
of the solitary vigil: a single bird alone on a rooftop, isolated in suffering]
[Tehillim 102:8]
— for
I know what I know
[שֶׁאֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ מַה שֶּׁאֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ — a deliberate
studied ambiguity working simultaneously in two directions: (1) I know —
in the fullest awareness — the weight of the pursuits against me; and (2)
I know — in gratitude — what I know in His kindness and great mercies that
sustains me. The phrase is not merely "I am aware" but a rhetorical closure
that withholds the full content in both directions: the severity of the
affliction and the depth of the gratitude for the kindness that sustains
him despite it are both unreportable. The silence says more than explication]
— in His kindness and great mercies — and my pursuits are almost without
measure. Although everything is through wondrous kindnesses — even so —
the porter's strength has given out
[כָּשַׁל כֹּחַ הַסַּבָּל — Nechemiah 4:4 and Talmudic
usage: the porter who bears a heavy load and whose strength has failed under
the weight. Even with divine help, the body's strength is finite].
And on the past Shabbos there were guests — my in-law Rabbi Shlomo and his
son Rabbi Itzele from Hayisin — and Rabbi Yaakov from Kevar — may his light
shine. And on Friday night I sat at the table — and we spoke true and pleasant
words as our way — flowing from where they flow. And on Shabbos day at the
start of the morning meal my bowel pain
[מֵחוּשׁ שֶׁלִּי בַּמֵּעַיִם — the copyist's
marginal note: this is the condition from which Reb Nussun eventually passed
away in the year 5605 (1844)]
came upon me. And afterwards I recited the grace after meals and slept a
little in His kindness. And immediately upon awakening the pain intensified
greatly — and I sat confused until very close to Minchah. And I did not know
at all what to do — for I had very wondrous things — and the sufferings
sought to confuse me — but Hashem Yisborach in His kindness did not abandon
me — and He did wonders of kindness with me — and from the heavens He
supported me very close to evening — and He also added His kindness and
helped me to say in public all that He had graced me with — and praised be
G-d the things were very wondrous. And in the morning upon awakening — which
was the 10th of Tevet — I became weak — my strength utterly failed me — I
could almost not walk — and I was compelled to pray while lying down. And
with great difficulty I went to the house of study to perform the circumcision
for the son of Rabbi Chayyim ben Rabbi Yaakov the proofreader. And I returned
home and lay in weakness until evening. And on Monday — praised be G-d —
there was a change for the better.
And behold — I could not restrain myself from writing a little of what passed
over me. And certainly this is not even a drop from the sea — for the essential
suffering is in the matter of divine service. And what passed through the
entire week — it is certainly impossible to explain —
and were it not for Your Torah which is my delight — I
would then have perished in my affliction
[לוּלֵא תוֹרָתְךָ שַׁעֲשֻׁעָי — Tehillim 119:92:
cited already in Letter 116 as the essential sustainer. Here as personal
testimony: without Torah — the Rebbe's Torah specifically — Reb Nussun
would not have survived what he has endured]
[Tehillim 119:92].
And this morning I felt afresh how very much one must bless the blessing of
Torah with joy —
who has chosen us and has given us His Torah
[אֲשֶׁר בָּחַר בָּנוּ... וְנָתַן לָנוּ אֶת תּוֹרָתוֹ
— the *Birkas HaTorah* — the morning blessing over Torah. The morning
## Segment 6
וְהִנֵּה יָצָאתִי מִדַּרְכִּי עַתָּה לִכְתֹּב לְךָ מְעַט מִיִּסּוּרִים שֶׁלִּי מֵחֲמַת שֶׁמֻּנָּחִים עַל לִבִּי, אָמַרְתִּי אָשִׂיחָה וְיִרְוַח לִי. וְגַם אוּלַי תּוּכַל לְהָבִין מִזֶּה רְמָזִים לְחַזֵּק עַצְמְךָ בְּמָקוֹם שֶׁאַתָּה שָׁם. כִּי הִנֵּה אַף עַל פִּי כֵן הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ עוֹזֵר לִי לִפְעֹל פְּעֻלּוֹת טוֹבוֹת, לְחַבֵּר סְפָרִים קְדוֹשִׁים כָּאֵלֶּה בְּחַסְדּוֹ הַגָּדוֹל, וּלְדַבֵּר עִם בְּנֵי אָדָם לְקָרְבָם לְהַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ. אֲשֶׁר עַד כֹּה עֲזָרַנִי הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ. יוֹסִיף ה' כָּהֵם וְכָהֵם אֶלֶף אֲלָפִים וְרִבֵּי רִבְבוֹת פְּעָמִים וְכוּ'. מִי פָּעַל וְעָשָׂה נִפְלָאוֹת כָּאֵלֶּה אֲשֶׁר לֹא יְאֻמַּן כִּי יְסֻפַּר כִּי אִם קוֹרֵא הַדּוֹרוֹת מֵרֹאשׁ וְכוּ'.
realization: this blessing must be said with genuine joy — because without
Torah life cannot be sustained. The *Birkas HaTorah* is not a routine formula
but a recognition of one's own survival]
— for without Torah I do not know how one can live. And even now — through
Torah and prayer — I can exhaust my remaining days and breaths of life. And
for every sacred breath one must praise Hashem, Yisborach
[עַל כָּל נְשִׁימָה וּנְשִׁימָה דִּקְדֻשָּׁה — not
simply "for every breath" but for every *breath of holiness* — every breath
dedicated to Torah, prayer, and good deeds. Each such breath is a gift
requiring its own act of praise, expanding Tehillim 150:6 (*kol haneshama
t'hallel Ya*) into a precise qualitative category].
For they have surrounded me — surrounded me from every side — but Hashem
Yisborach did not abandon me to their hand — and they leave us each time
the breath to breathe.
And I have departed from my normal practice to write you a little of my
sufferings — because they weigh upon my heart — I said: I will speak and it
will ease me. And perhaps you can understand from this hints to strengthen
yourself. For behold — even so Hashem Yisborach helps me to compose such holy
books in His great kindness — and to speak with people to draw them near to
Hashem.
May Hashem add to them — like them and like them —
thousand thousands — tens of thousands times ten thousands
[יוֹסִיף ה' כָּהֵם וְכָהֵם אֶלֶף אֲלָפִים —
Tehillim 115:14 amplified: may all the holy words and deeds be multiplied
by Hashem a thousand-thousand times].
Who has acted and performed such wonders as these — which
could not be believed if told — except the One who calls the generations
from the beginning
[מִי פָּעַל וְעָשָׂה... כִּי אִם קוֹרֵא הַדּוֹרוֹת
מֵרֹאשׁ — Yeshayahu 41:4: "who has wrought and done — calling the generations
from the beginning." Only the One who summons all of history from its
## Segment 7
וּכְמוֹ כֵן הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ מַפְלִיא חֲסָדָיו עִמְּךָ וְעִם כָּל הַמִּסְתּוֹפְפִים בְּצִלּוֹ הַקָּדוֹשׁ. כַּאֲשֶׁר אֲנִי רוֹאֶה כַּמָּה פְּעָמִים בְּמִכְתָּבְךָ, שֶׁאַף עַל פִּי כֵן אַתָּה מְפָרֵשׁ שִׂיחָתְךָ בַּתְּפִלּוֹת הַנּוֹרָאוֹת שֶׁלָּנוּ וְכַיּוֹצֵא בָּזֶה וּבְלִמּוּד הַתּוֹרָה הַקְּדוֹשָׁה. חֲזַק בְּנִי וַחֲזַק, וְכָל אֲשֶׁר תִּמְצָא יָדְךָ לַעֲשׂוֹת בְּכֹחֲךָ עֲשֵׂה, וַעֲשֵׂה מַה שֶּׁתּוּכַל לְחַזֵּק עַצְמְךָ לְשַׂמֵּחַ אֶת נַפְשֶׁךָ. כִּי עִקַּר הַיִּסּוּרִים שֶׁלִּי הוּא הַמָּרָה שְׁחוֹרָה אַךְ הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ עֲזָרַנִי וְיַעֲזֹר לִי לְשַׂמֵּחַ נַפְשְׁךָ בִּישׁוּעָתוֹ תָּמִיד וְאֵין פְּנַאי לְהַאֲרִיךְ יוֹתֵר.
beginning could bring about such wonders]
[Yeshayahu 41:4].
And similarly Hashem Yisborach does wondrous kindnesses with you and with all
those who shelter in his holy shade — as I see many times in your letter —
that even so you are conversing your private conversation through our awesome
prayers and in the study of the holy Torah. Be strong, my son — be strong.
And do all that your hand finds to do — and do what you can to strengthen
yourself and to gladden your soul. For
the essential suffering of mine is the melancholy
[עִקַּר הַיִּסּוּרִים שֶׁלִּי הוּא הַמָּרָה שְׁחוֹרָה
— one of the most significant personal disclosures in the entire collection.
Reb Nussun names his primary affliction explicitly: *marah sh'chorah* —
melancholy, literally "black bile," the traditional term for the condition
of spiritual and emotional depression. This is not incidental. All the
physical ailments, financial distress, and community burdens are secondary
to this. The one who transmits the entire Breslov teaching of joy as the
primary form of divine service names his own primary battle as the battle
against melancholy. The teaching of joy arises from within the depths of
the very condition it seeks to overcome]
— but Hashem Yisborach helped me — and will help me to gladden your soul
## Segment 8
דִּבְרֵי אָבִיךָ הַמְצַפֶּה לִישׁוּעָה.
in His salvation always. And there is no time to extend further.
The words of your father — who awaits salvation.
Nussun of Breslov.
[Translator's Note: Overview: Eve of Monday, Parshas Vayechi. *Shakadti va'ehyeh
k'tzipor boded al gag* (Tehillim 102:8). *Ani yodea mah she'ani yodea*: now
identified as deliberate studied ambiguity in two directions — the depth of
the pursuits and the depth of the gratitude for sustaining kindness are both
unreportable. *Kashal koach hasabal*. Shabbos physical collapse. *Lulei
sorascha sha'ashuai* (Tehillim 119:92). *Birkas HaTorah* with joy. *Al kol
neshimah dikedushahtzrichin l'hallel*. *Yosif Hashem kahem* (Tehillim 115:14
amplified). *Mi pa'al v'asah* (Yeshayahu 41:4). *Marah sh'chorah*: now
identified as the explicit naming of Reb Nussun's primary affliction — the
source and ground of all Breslov joy-teaching.
Key Themes
Ani Yodea Mah She'ani Yodea — Dual Ambiguity
"I know what I know" — a studied ambiguity working in two directions: the
depth of the pursuits against him, and the depth of the gratitude for the
sustaining kindness.
Both are unreportable. The silence says more than
explication in either direction.]
## Segment 9
נָתָן מִבְּרֶסְלֶב
Nussun of Breslov.