# Age 22 — White Hair From Suffering — "My Life Is No Life"

<div dir="rtl">מכתב 132</div>

Source: https://ajew.org/reader/michtevay-shmuel/2/132


## Segment 1

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מ"ד
ב"ה מוצש"ק פרשת ויחי 
שלום וברכה וכ"ט למע"כ אהובי יקירי נפשי ולבבי מו"ה יעקב זאב נ"י 
אחדשה"ט באה"ר אודיעך משלומי הודות לשי"ת מסתמא קבלת מכתבי מלודז' והנני מכין צעדי לנסוע להקבוצים מוורשה עד לובלין ויותר. 
נא לבקש הרבה רחמים שאצליח בכל דרכי אכי"ר...

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And beyond this — I am very far from the service of Hashem in the utmost degree of distance — and from Torah — and especially from prayer. And the baal davar torments me with severe and bitter torments — literally not a moment without affliction. And what will be my ultimate purpose? The days of youth are passing — and I am 22 years old — and already my hair is going white from the suffering. And I do not merit to the service of Hashem. And also — half a body [פלג גוף — again: half his bodily lifespan or strength]. And still I have not merited to be at the holy Tzion. And it is bitter from every side and direction. G‑d, blessed be He, knows the truth — and it is impossible to measure or assess it. Therefore — please, please — have compassion! Have mercy! Have pity! Have grace upon me! On behalf of a wretched and lowly soul as mine — I am so very far from the service of Hashem. Is it conceivable that I was created to waste my days in such vanity? Is it conceivable? Is it conceivable? Please — do not be silent, do not be still! Arouse great compassion — that I merit to come to the holy Tzion this Rosh Hashana — and to be a true Breslov Chassid — and to do true and complete repentance — and all goodness forever. And to arouse the fellowship to pray greatly for compassion — for all the fellowship of the Holy Land — and especially of Jerusalem the Holy City — and especially on the eve of Rosh Hashana and Rosh Hashana. Please arouse all the fellowship to pray for compassion for the fellowship of the Holy Land — and especially for me, the crushed and humbled one. And to perform a pidyon at the holy Tzion on the eve of Rosh Hashana — on behalf of these people: