אות - מח

He related much about the great fear and holiness that he had in his childhood, that he was very zealous and holy. And he said that he used to make beginnings many times in a single day — that is, he would begin to be an upright person: that from this moment he would serve Hashem Yisburach. And afterwards on that very same day he would fall from this and fall into desire for food and the like; and he would go back and begin again on that same day, that from that hour on he would be an upright person, etc. And he would fall and go back and begin anew. And thus it was many times in a single day. And we have already heard from him many times that he had many beginnings — that each time he began fresh to serve Hashem.[91] And this is a great general principle in the service of Hashem — not to allow oneself to fall, Heaven forbid, because he fell from some devotion or from praying with intention, or because he fell to wherever he fell, Heaven forbid. Even so he should strengthen himself with everything possible and begin each time fresh — as if today he began to draw close to Hashem Yisburach. And even if it will be so many times — that is, that he will have, Heaven forbid, many and many falls from His service blessed He — even so he should begin each time fresh, even many and many times. And without this it is impossible to be a truly upright person and to truly draw close to Hashem Yisburach. And for as long as he is not firm in his mind — that he will always draw himself to Hashem Yisburach in whatever he can, whether in ascent or in descent, Heaven forbid, even if the descent is, Heaven forbid, however it may be — even so, he should be strong and courageous in his mind to pull and yearn and long always for Him blessed He, and to cry out and to pray and to supplicate to Him blessed He always, and to do what he can in the service of Hashem with joy, however it may be — for as long as he does not have this strengthening truly, it is impossible for him to truly draw close to Hashem Yisburach. And he must strengthen himself so much that he is prepared and willing to serve Hashem always all the days of his life — on condition not to receive reward. Because sometimes it seems to a person that it is distant that he will merit the World to Come on account of the great extent of his distance from Hashem Yisburach. Even so, he should be willing to do what he can in the service of Hashem without the World to Come. And even if it appears to him that he will have Gehinnom too, Heaven forbid — however it may be, he is obligated to do his part always in the service of Hashem, whatever he can do, and to grab some mitzvah or Torah or prayer and the like — and Hashem Who is good in His eyes will do. And as is related in the name of the Baal Shem Tov z"l — that one time he fell greatly in his mind to the point that it seemed to him certainly that he would not have the World to Come, Heaven forbid, and he had nothing with which to give life to himself at all. And he said: "I love Hashem Yisburach without the World to Come." And every person, even a simple person, cannot be a truly upright person except when he can endure all as mentioned. And even in a single day one must strengthen oneself many times and begin each time fresh as mentioned — until one merits in the fullness of days to walk in the ways of Hashem in an orderly fashion, amen.