Chapter 10

After the wedding described above, I yearned and longed exceedingly to travel to Meron. At that time members of our fellowship had already been there twice, as stated above, while I had not yet merited this. Moreover, for several years our only time there had been two hours on Lag BaOmer, in panic and haste, as is known. Yet the hindrances were very great: I had no money for it, for the privation was exceedingly severe - Hashem knows - and I likewise had no one with whom to travel.

At such a time one cannot travel alone, for one must pay for a special journey from Safed to Meron. A special automobile is required for the outward and return journey, and payment must likewise be made for the Sephardic shamash to travel and lodge there, etc. When there are several people, a portion falls upon each one; but how can a single person by himself pay so large a sum? This was especially so in my extreme poverty and straits, for I did not possess even a perutah. Moreover, how could one person lodge there alone because of fear, etc.? Thus my only counsel was abundant yearning and longing.

Hashem, however, helped in this and opened for me a gateway no wider than a needlepoint. I was walking in Meah Shearim when I met one of the members of our fellowship, who told me that he had come from Haifa and that there was a member of our fellowship there (with whom I had left several copies of Likutay Moharan on Lag BaOmer; he had said that he would sell them cheaply, yet throughout that entire period I had received no word from him). He had wanted to give this man a little money for me on account of the copies of Likutay Moharan I had left with him, but had not managed to do so, etc. It occurred to me that there was now already some hope for the journey: I could borrow money, and when I reached him in Haifa I would take the money that was with him. But where was I to obtain the loan? Furthermore, even this would not suffice for half the expense. And where was there a man of the kind I desired who would travel with me, etc.? Nevertheless, I thought that if, at any rate, I already had a means of making a beginning in this, Hashem would help.

During that week there was a second wedding among members of our fellowship. It took place at the Hotel HaGalil, and all the members of our fellowship were together there in joy and dancing, etc. There I met one of the city's distinguished religious residents, a man close to our fellowship. I had traveled with him to Meron many times, and he was my friend. I said to him, “What is to become of this? It has been so long since you were in Meron.” He replied that he had a strong desire to go and was prepared for it. He also had another man who wished to travel with him, but the matter would have to remain a profound secret. We agreed that on Sunday, with Hashem's help, we would travel together and meet one another at the Egged station; if I were not there, he would travel with the other man.

I perceived in this a wondrous providence: Hashem had arranged that precisely now I should meet him and speak with him about this. I rejoiced greatly, for the matter was advancing and drawing near. Yet I still lacked the money and did not possess even a perutah for it. The matter in Haifa was uncertain, and how was I to obtain money to reach Haifa, etc.? Nevertheless, I trusted that Hashem would help me.

At the wedding we experienced much joy and dancing. All the members of our fellowship remained there until midnight amid rejoicing, songs, and dances. One member of our fellowship also delivered words of badchanus then, although the wonderful badchan who had been at the first wedding was absent. Thus we spent the time there until midnight. The groom's companions, who studied together at the yeshivah of Rabbi Dushinsky, then came and performed various forms of badchanus. They also performed a “mute dance” (a shtumer tants): they danced without music or speech, as though they were “mutes.” They performed several other kinds of dances and jokes as well, etc.

We members of the fellowship from the Old City obtained money from the groom's father for a taxi back to the city. We traveled together by taxi until we reached the city, then went together to the Western Wall, recited Chatzos and the ten Psalms, and returned home to sleep. I could not sleep because of my yearning and thoughts concerning the journey to Meron: how to borrow money for it, and how to arrange matters so that my wife, may she live, would not prevent me from traveling. I asked Hashem to help me in this, etc.

The following day was Friday. I went to Meah Shearim and met several members of our fellowship, seeking to borrow half a pound from them, but I did not succeed. In sum, I approached one man who had drawn close through me and pressed him at length to lend me the money. He promised that, if Hashem helped him obtain it, he would lend it to me.

Meanwhile, I went in search of the man with whom I wished to travel, as stated above, in order to ascertain the details from him. I did not find him, however, and this caused me grief and suffering, because I was still uncertain when he would leave - before noon or afterward. I was now going home, and who knew whether we would meet on Sunday and travel together?

Hashem helped me: as I was walking back toward the city, I found him in Nachalas Shivah together with the other man who wished to travel with him. I spoke with them, and they told me that they had agreed to depart early in the morning and not to wait in Haifa or anywhere else for even a moment. (The second man was a melamed, and he was hurrying to travel so that he could return quickly, etc.) I urged them to travel later, since I still had no solution for the money. Perhaps, if we delayed several hours on Sunday, I would finally obtain a loan from the man mentioned above; we could also delay somewhat in Haifa, so that I could visit the member of our fellowship and collect from him the money for the Likutay Moharan. They, however, were adamant about the arrangement stated above, and would most likely depart at eight in the morning.

I returned home with my mind exceedingly confused because I had found no means of obtaining the money. This was in addition to all the hindrances in my mind concerning the danger of the journey. I almost regarded it as though I were endangering myself: Hashem knew whether I would ever see my home again and whether I would remain alive, etc. Yet I thought: the sacred Shabbos is now approaching, and I must receive it with joy, etc., cast off my burdens and thoughts, and trust in Hashem, etc.

The sacred Shabbos therefore passed over me in this manner. At every moment I had to wage a great struggle to interrupt the thoughts and anxieties, for a great matter lay before me - “a great mountain upon my head to break through” (a groysen barg oyfn kop durkh tsu brekhn) - namely, to travel and return safely. My heart said to me, Heaven forbid: Who knows whether you will merit returning alive, etc.? The man with whom we had arranged to travel likewise later told me that he too had experienced such thoughts; he had quite literally felt as one who was going to war and did not know whether he would return, Heaven forbid.

When Motzaei Shabbos arrived, I spoke with the member of our fellowship whom I had brought close and who had promised to lend me the money. He replied that he had still not obtained any; perhaps he would on Monday. This caused me immeasurable grief and suffering, because they would certainly leave immediately on Sunday morning. If I remained behind, I would not travel again in the near future; this was an irretrievable loss. In sum, my mind was quite literally shattered into shards by every sort of thought concerning what I should do. Early in the morning I went, as was my custom, to pray at vasikin. I found that same man and spoke with him once more. Yet what could he do, when he had nothing? I nearly became ill from suffering and grief, and throughout the entire prayer service I did not know where in the world I was.

The thought came to me to speak with my friend Yaakov Zev: perhaps he would lend me the half pound. I knew beforehand that there was nothing to discuss, yet I thought, I will make this one further attempt; perhaps the salvation will grow from it. I approached him and told him that I had an urgent matter concerning Rabbainu, of blessed memory, for which I needed to travel to Tel Aviv. The other man had already promised to lend me the money but did not have it at present. Perhaps, therefore, he could perform this mitzvah and procure the money for me immediately; on the following day the other man would give it to him. He took the matter to heart. He went with me to the other man and asked whether he would repay him on the following day. The man said that he would. Yaakov Zev therefore took the half pound and gave it to me. I was immediately filled with joy and exultation. Yet my heart still pounded within me: Alas, you are exposing yourself to such danger - and who knows? etc., as stated above. Nevertheless, I paid no heed to this. I ate something and prepared myself for the journey.