Chapter 108

My soul certainly longed and desired to attain something during these holy days—the sacred days of Elul, days of mercy and favor. This was especially so when I recalled Rabbainu’s holy Rosh Hashanah and the self-sacrifice with which I had journeyed to Uman for Rosh Hashanah, and so forth. My soul assuredly yearned greatly to attain these great and awesome sanctities.

The obstacles, however, pressed upon me intensely from every side: both the children, who were suffering from their eyes as related above, and the crushing poverty caused by our lack of money. I consoled myself only with the thought that perhaps I would be in Meron for Rosh Hashanah. There I would certainly spend those days pleasantly and well, occupied solely with teshuvah, prayer, and the service of Hashem, and so forth; and there I would revive myself also for the sake of those days that had passed amid obstacles, and so forth.

My wife, may she live, then began to experience pain in her own eyes. Apparently this resulted from the fervent tears she had shed in Hebron at the tombs of the holy Patriarchs, and so forth, from the strain and toil of the journey, and also from all the labor and hardship we had undergone because of the children’s illness and weakness, and so forth. This caused me great anguish, suffering, and obstacles to the service of Hashem, for she was no longer able to tend the household and the children, and so forth.

We nevertheless thought that this would pass within a few days. It did not. Her eye pain intensified from day to day, and she suffered such severe anguish and pain that she literally cried out that her eyes were bursting from the intensity of the pain. She was compelled to begin walking outside the city to Dr. Ticho so that he could apply ointment to her eyes. First she went to the nurse at the Tipat Chalav clinic and asked her to apply ointment, but the nurse was unwilling even to examine her. She said that she knew of no treatment for her and that she must go to Hadassah Hospital.

My wife resolved instead to go to Dr. Ticho, since he was an expert physician. This was on Friday, the eve of the holy Shabbos of Parshas Shoftim, the third of Elul. Until then, during those three days, she had herself been placing certain drops in her eyes. We were compelled to tend the household ourselves and also to make the preparations for the holy Shabbos, and so forth.

The anguish I felt cannot be estimated. These were sacred and awesome days, days of favor and mercy, yet because of the obstacles I could not spend them in the service of Hashem as was fitting. I also suffered profoundly over everything that was befalling us: the torment of the children and the household, all of which I was compelled to tend myself; and, above all, the anguish of my wife—her pain and her cries that pierced the heavens and touched me to the very soul.

My son, may his light shine, had to accompany her and lead her by the hand outside the city to Dr. Ticho. They spent that entire Friday there. He applied ointment to her eyes and warned her not to allow herself to lie in bed, for otherwise, God forbid, she might become blind. Rather, she had to compel herself with all her strength to keep her eyes open and not permit them to remain closed. She answered him that in any event she could not lie in bed, because the terrible pain did not allow her to rest; she was compelled continually to run and pace about the house.

She returned home with the terrible pain in her eyes, and the magnitude of our anguish and suffering may readily be understood. We received the holy Shabbos amid anguish and suffering. Nevertheless, I strengthened myself to welcome the holy Shabbos with joy and to trust in Hashem that everything would be set right. Yet even so, the anguish and suffering intensify of themselves, notwithstanding that one does not follow after them but repels them from oneself.

She was unable to eat with us at the table and was compelled to sit in the house in darkness. We suffered much anguish and torment from her pain and her cries concerning her eyes. Sleep was compelled to wander from my eyes while she cried out from pain. She exclaimed that she could already see nothing at all with one eye, God forbid, and feared that she might become blind in the second eye as well, God forbid. She cried: “What need have I of life when my eyes do not see, God forbid? A blind person is regarded as dead, God forbid.” She also cried to me, “It will be worse for you than for me, for not only will you have to tend the household and the children; you will also have to tend me, God forbid.”

In sum, there is no describing the “sweet taste” and satisfaction that were mine from all this. I wept profusely before Hashem with bitter tears and greatly increased my prayers and petitions to Hashem, that He have pity, compassion, and mercy upon us and speedily send her a complete recovery. In the morning, when I had to go pray the Shabbos Shacharis service, it was difficult for me because of the household duties. Nevertheless, I strengthened myself, went to the synagogue in Batei Machseh, prayed the Shabbos service, and hastened home.

I wished my son to accompany her to the doctor, but she said that it was better for her to walk by herself. When someone led her, her eyes remained closed, and she might, God forbid, become blind; when she herself walked, she was compelled to force her eyes open in order to see the road, and this was better for her.

The magnitude of the anguish and compassion aroused by the sight cannot be estimated. Everyone who saw her walking alone, with both hands held over her eyes as she went groping along the walls, pitied her. The journey took several hours; automobiles placed her life in danger repeatedly; and it was truly anguish of soul to watch her walk.

She thus went to the doctor by herself, while we delayed eating the Shabbos meal as we waited for her. In the meantime I went to the Western Wall and greatly increased my prayers before Hashem that He have pity upon us, as stated above. When she finally returned after the arduous walk, we awaited good news that her eyes were healing, and so forth. Instead, she said that they were growing worse and that it was very likely she would remain blind, God forbid.

Our anguish—and the “satisfaction” afforded us by that Shabbos—may be understood without explanation. I had much labor and exertion in tending the household, yet all of this was as nothing in comparison with her anguish and pain and her cries that she was becoming blind, God forbid. Added to this was my profound distress that the days of mercy were passing in such a manner, though I had planned to devote myself during them to much service of Hashem and to prepare myself properly, and so forth.

I was still more distressed when I recalled that the Days of Awe were rapidly approaching. How would I be able to travel to Meron for Rosh Hashanah, as many members of our fellowship were preparing to do? Would that I might at least be able to go and pray here and perform what was required in the service of Hashem.

Yet what could be done? This is the essential path of teshuvah: to be proficient in halachah—to be proficient in “running” and proficient in “returning.” That is, even when much befalls a person and he cannot be in the aspect of “running” in the service of Hashem, but only in the aspect of “returning,” and he is compelled to content himself with mundane tasks involving bodily affairs, he must nevertheless not become discouraged. He must strengthen himself in whatever he can do. In particular, I still had hope of prevailing in prayer before Hashem so that she would recover and I would be able to serve Hashem as I desired.

Nevertheless, thoughts of anguish continued passing through my mind—that these days should not pass over me in this fashion. Although the Holy One, blessed is He, joins a good thought, together with one’s longings and yearning, to the deed and regards it “as though he had performed it,” one ought not to emerge with merely an “as though.” A person who desires the World to Come—the reward of the mitzvah—can be consoled by the “as though,” for he will be paid the reward as though he had performed it. But when the mitzvah and the service of Hashem themselves are precious in his eyes, that which he did not perform remains lacking to him; he did not purify himself through the purification he would have attained by that service, and so forth. After all, “one hour of teshuvah and good deeds in this world is better than the whole life of the World to Come,” and so forth. Thus Likutay Moharan, Lesson 66, on the verse “a double portion of your spirit,” explains that it is fitting not to emerge with merely the “as though,” and so forth.