Chapter 135

We prayed the Yom Kippur Maariv service. My sons likewise sat and prayed. My young son Elazar, may his light shine, sat beside me and slept upon the bench near me. I experienced great exertion: the synagogue was extremely crowded because of the large congregation, perspiration poured from me, and the blackout increased the difficulty, for the windows had to be covered with blankets so that no light would be visible outside, as is known.

I prayed Maariv with intent and weeping. The congregation recited “Hear, O Israel” with great awakening, voice, and strength. They stood and proclaimed aloud “Blessed is the Name of the glory of His kingdom,” with power and intent, the whole congregation together like thunder. “The Children of Israel shall keep the Shabbos” was likewise recited aloud with intent and awakening. This was especially so with the verse “For on this day He shall atone,” which the congregation recited together in a loud voice with intent and awakening.

I then prayed the silent Shemoneh Esrei word by word with intent, abundant weeping, awakening, and awe. This was especially so during the confessions: Ashamnu; Al Chet; “Forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement,” from the depths of the heart with remorse, awakening, and weeping; “For the sins for which we are liable,” including stoning and burning; “You know the mysteries”; and “My God, before I was formed I was unworthy,” all with awakening, teshuvah, and weeping.

The Shemoneh Esrei continued for a long time, and meanwhile the prayer leader began Vayechulu. He then chanted “May our supplication ascend from evening” in its familiar melody. With awakening and tears I whispered and sang after his words. This was followed by the Selichos beginning “Remember,” and the refrain “Please forgive,” in its familiar melody transmitted by the Maggid of Trovitz; there are likewise melodies from the Baal Shem Tov for these passages, and so forth. Everything was recited with awakening and weeping.

There followed the liturgical poem “For behold, like clay in the hand of the potter,” and “Look to the Covenant and do not turn toward the evil inclination,” in their familiar melodies, with awakening and weeping, and so forth. Then came the subsequent Selichos and confessions: Al Chet; “Remember Your mercy”; “Hear our voice”; “Your righteous anointed one”; “Merciful God is Your Name”; “Answer us, Hashem, answer us”; “He Who answered”; and “By David, a psalm,” as on the night of Rosh Hashanah, with awakening and intent. For me, everything was accompanied by abundant weeping. I recited the first four psalms with great intent, for they are known to be conducive to rectification of the Covenant. Most of the congregation then remained to recite the whole book of Tehillim together and lodge in the synagogue. I, however, went home carrying my sleeping son Alter, may his light shine, in my arms. My son Moshe Nachum remained in the synagogue to recite Tehillim and sleep there.

I went home with the other children and settled them there. I then took my books and went to the synagogue in Batei Machseh to recite Tehillim and lodge there. I found a small group remaining awake, studying tractate Yoma and reciting Tehillim and Shir HaYichud, and so forth. The place was brightly illuminated by the electric light and the many olive-oil lamps burning there. Wrapped in my tallis—which I had put on before nightfall, as customary—I began reciting Tehillim with intent and spiritual vitality.

After reciting a little, I became tired and exhausted and sleep weighed upon my eyes. I was compelled to lie upon the bench and rest briefly. After a short rest I sprang up in alarm, fearing that I might fall deeply asleep. I recited some more Tehillim, then was again compelled to lie upon the bench briefly, and immediately rose with alacrity, and so forth, as before. I repeated this process many times. In sum, with great difficulty and self-sacrifice I remained awake throughout the night in this manner and did not sleep. With awakening and intent I completed Tehillim and also recited Tikkun Chatzos—Tikkun Leah—and Yom Kippur prayers until daybreak.