Chapter 23

The other man from among the members of our fellowship mentioned above no longer possessed the strength to endure the wandering and the divine service. I had known for some time that it is exceedingly difficult to endure being in Meron at the tziyun of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit protect us, because of the body's difficulty in taking upon itself the yoke of the service of Hashem. This is so even if one has with him all the delicacies of the world and does not engage so extensively in the service of Hashem, because the very sight of the tzaddik's face refines the blood and the corporeality of the body.

Especially when one merits remaining there for some time, one is in an aspect of being consumed by the tzaddik, for one is transformed into his essence, etc. As brought in Likutay Moharan, when one draws close to the tzaddik, to Eretz Yisrael, and to holy emunah for the sake of the service of Hashem - even if one has not yet merited proper divine service - one is nevertheless digested into the tzaddik, Eretz Yisrael, and holy emunah, and is transformed into their essence. Consequently, one is somewhat refined of one's defilement and corporeality and is in an aspect of self-nullification, etc. This itself is a great attainment. Therefore one does not feel the divine service; on the contrary, it appears that one is not yet serving at all and is exceedingly far from Hashem, and it is very difficult to endure being there.

For this reason, people generally come, remain a short while, and flee from there. It is as related in Sipuray Maasiyos, in the tale of the King's Son and the Maidservant: when one enters the garden, one is pursued, does not know who is pursuing him, and is compelled to flee (as expressed in Yiddish, "Men yogt aroys fun garten" - one is driven out of the garden). The members of our fellowship are the exception: one who possesses great stubbornness stubbornly persists and remains there, each person in accordance with the degree of his stubbornness.

Afterward, however, when people travel away from there, they immediately begin to yearn and long with the pining of the soul, and each begins to feel: "How I merited being in the King's palace; how I merited self-nullification of my sense of independent existence and refinement of corporeality and bodily sensation; and how I merited seizing so much in the service of Hashem!" For in a single uninterrupted day one merits more there than during an entire month elsewhere.

Although one already knows this from many previous occasions, when one comes again on a new occasion it is nevertheless exceedingly difficult to remain there, and it is an exceedingly great trial. Yet the gain one merits is beyond measure or valuation; the entire world, with all its desires, money, and gold, is not worth a single moment there. Fortunate is the one who merits this.

The man mentioned above began devising a means of fleeing from there. Although at first he had intended to remain at least approximately one week, now he could not remain there even for a few hours, etc. It happened that an automobile arrived with tourists and had room for several more people. He immediately sat in it and traveled back with them to Safed. He gained nothing, however, because the bus to Haifa had already departed, and he was compelled to lodge in Tiberias and travel from there to Jerusalem the following day. He arrived even later than I did.

The new avreich mentioned above likewise wished with all his strength to flee and travel with them. I had compassion upon him, however, and spoke with him and greatly persuaded him to remain and travel back together with me on Friday. I gave him to understand the greatness of the matter and the gain he would attain by being here at this time. What would he accomplish by leaving earlier, etc.? In any event, he would not reach his destination any earlier, as stated above. I therefore spoke to him extensively in this manner and detained him with all my strength. The gain he attained, however, is impossible to describe or estimate. In truth, afterward he was very grateful to me for having detained him.

I then began my divine service, as is always my way there. I recited the Tikkun Haklali and the prayers that I always recite, engaged in hisbodedus with weeping and great spiritual arousal, and made extensive verbal confession. Afterward I ate a piece of bread, settled myself anew into my service, and recited the entire Book of Psalms with spiritual arousal, directing the gaze of my eyes and heart toward Hashem and toward the true tzaddik. I gazed extensively at the holy tziyun as though speaking: "Do you not see my entire being and know my deficiency and my rectification far better than I myself do?"

Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit protect us, knows the thoughts of human beings, as stated in the sacred works and in Reishis Chochmah. He also knows the abundance of my wanderings, exertions, and toil in coming to you and remaining near you. What can I do, since I am unable to pour out my heart and my discourse before you as I ought? I myself do not even know what I lack, whereas you know everything better than I do. I have therefore done what is incumbent upon me: I came, exerted myself, toiled, and prepared my heart and mouth to speak whatever I can. Do what is incumbent upon you: help and deliver me according to your knowledge of the salvations I require, rescuing my nefesh, ruach, and neshama, and enabling me to merit what I need to merit.

I thus sat throughout the entire day engaged in my divine service at the holy tziyun: reciting Psalms and prayers, engaging in hisbodedus, and pouring out my speech in zhargon [Yiddish] in the midst of the Psalms, with a gaze arising from the depths of the heart. They also kindled myrtle wood to warm themselves, and they went to the other holy graves and tziyunim.

R.M. settled himself and for several hours studied The Tale of the Baal Tefillah [Prayer Leader] together with the new avreich. Through the tale he placed in the young man's heart a great spiritual arousal concerning how the principal purpose is to occupy oneself with prayers, songs, and praises, etc. I sat engaged in my own divine service as stated above and did not turn toward them or toward any of the things they were doing, but remained in the aspect of "Avraham was one": I had no involvement with any person, as though I were alone in the world. Nevertheless, while occupying myself with my own service, I also turned my attention to hear the study of The Tale of the Baal Tefillah, which was conducted with spiritual arousal as stated above, and this too aroused me still more in my own service.

The tales of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, arouse a person far more intensely than Torah teachings. As he himself said, of blessed memory, in Yiddish: "Az es helft aykh shoyn nit mit keyn toros, muz ikh aykh dertseyln maasiyos" - "When Torah teachings no longer help you, I must tell you stories" - as recorded in Chayay Moharan.

In sum, I sat there throughout the entire day and occupied myself with my divine service, with great vitality and spiritual arousal. On one side I listened to the teaching, and on the other side I performed my own service through Psalms and hisbodedus. Afterward I prayed Minchah with concentration and spiritual arousal; between Minchah and Maariv as well I did not sit idle, etc.; and I likewise prayed Maariv with concentration etc. I then sat down to eat my meal - a piece of bread and water - and spoke many words with the new avreich concerning the service of Hashem and the matter of Rabbainu, of blessed memory. I aroused him very, very greatly toward the service of Hashem.

These words made an immense impression upon him. That Thursday night he remained throughout the entire night at the holy tziyun and neither rested nor was still; rather, he occupied himself with the recitation of prayers and hisbodedus in a strong and pleasant voice. Afterward he recited the entire Book of Psalms and Tikkun Chatzos, etc., and thus occupied himself throughout the night until morning, etc. The others lay down to sleep until Chatzos; at Chatzos they arose and recited Tikkun Chatzos with spiritual arousal.

I lay down in my place upon the floor because of the pain in my stomach, but I did not sleep at all. Until midnight I remained lying down as stated above, occupied in the study of Sipuray Maasiyos and Zohar, in hisbodedus, in pouring out speech and verbal confession throughout the time, and in gazing toward the holy tziyun. At midnight I arose from my place and recited Tikkun Chatzos with great spiritual arousal. In particular, that day was my birthday and my own Rosh Hashanah, and I was surely obligated to spend the day in true service of Hashem and with powerful spiritual arousal.

Afterward I recited the entire Book of Psalms and many prayers, and I continued occupying myself with the service of Hashem until morning. In the morning I immediately began praying at vasikin with spiritual arousal and concentration. I then immediately recited the Tikkun Haklali, prayers, and hisbodedus at the holy tziyun. In Yiddish, "Ikh hob zikh ongehoybn gezegenen" [I began taking my leave] of the holy tziyun; I began verbally parting from the holy tziyun, for I had prepared myself for the return journey. It was Erev Shabbos, Parashas Yisro, and I could not bring myself to spend this Shabbos - which was also the first Shabbos of my new year - without a minyan, without hearing the Aseres HaDibros that are read on this Shabbos, and without Barchu, Kedushah, Kesser, etc. I therefore resolved that I was compelled to return.