Chapter 30

During those days there also befell me the matter of a hisbodedus room that people wished to take from me. The matter of the hisbodedus room was as follows: for a long time I had yearned and longed to have a private room of my own for hisbodedus and the other forms of service of Hashem, in the morning and evening, etc.; but much time passed, and the matter did not prove feasible.

Throughout all that time I yearned, longed, and pined exceedingly for it, but did not merit it. Yet I did not despair of petitioning and pleading for it, or of my yearning, longing, and desire for it. My friend Rabbi Tzvi Aryeh, may his lamp shine, had likewise obtained a small, narrow room for hisbodedus. I entered it several times and saw how narrow his room was; yet a small window opened onto the road leading to the Western Wall. One could also see all of Silwan, with its fields clothed in grass and greenery, etc., and the mountains surrounding it, etc. This is exceedingly conducive to hisbodedus.

I continually sought means by which I might merit some corner for hisbodedus. I searched the batei midrash in the city and was even prepared to incur expenses so that one of them might be placed at my disposal for some period during the day for hisbodedus and the service of Hashem, etc.; but the matter did not prove feasible.

Much time passed in nothing but longing, hisbodedus, and prayer over this matter, until, during the previous summer, I began speaking with one of the members of our fellowship who traveled through Tel Aviv and the colonies on an errand for a certain institution. Even when he was in Jerusalem, he was absent from his home for most of the day. I asked him to permit me to use his house for hisbodedus and the service of Hashem, and I succeeded in obtaining this from him only on the express condition that the matter remain secret and that no one know of it.

Several members of our fellowship had asked this of him, and he had refused to agree under any circumstances. Were they to learn that he had given me his house, they would be angry with him. I gave him my assurance, and he entrusted me with a key to his house (for he had two keys). He said to me: “My domain is as your domain, and my house as your house. Whenever you wish, you may be there—in the morning or evening, by day or by night, whether I am here or absent. I grant this with all my heart and soul.”

My soul rejoiced exceedingly over this, for I saw, in my own case, something of the beginning of redemption with respect to obtaining a room set apart for hisbodedus and the service of Hashem. We find that when Moharnat, of blessed memory, merited in his old age to obtain a room set apart for hisbodedus and the service of Hashem, after many years of longing, yearning, and pining for it, he said: “It may be that from now onward I shall be a worthy Jew” (Ken zayn az atsind vel ikh shoyn zayn an erlekher Yid).

We find only one other occasion on which he said this: at the beginning of his drawing near to Rabbainu, of blessed memory, when Rabbainu, of blessed memory, moved his residence to the city of Breslov while he himself lived in Nemirov, approximately twenty versts (ten kilometers) away. He likewise said at that time, “Now it may be that I shall be a worthy Jew,” because he was near Rabbainu, of blessed memory, and could travel to him whenever he wished.

Rabbainu, of blessed memory, said that merely sitting by oneself in a private room is itself an exceedingly great matter, and that, ultimately, one will thereby merit repentance, etc. I therefore rejoiced exceedingly over this, as one who finds great spoil, and began making use of it. Every day I went there and spent most of the day in his house, occupied with Psalms, hisbodedus, the study of the works of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, Gemara and poskim, and making prayers out of Torah teachings.

I also told my friend Yom Tov, may his lamp shine, that he could come to me there so that we might study together discreetly, for it was then his practice to come to me in the city every day to study the works of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, and to speak together concerning Rabbainu, of blessed memory, and the service of Hashem. We would spend several hours together each day. He therefore did so and came to me in that house at a specified time at which I had told him that I would certainly be there. We remained together for several hours. On many occasions we found the owner at home, and he too joined us in our pursuits with great affection.

I spent most of every day there on a regular basis. For the most part I was there alone, occupied with my service, and I took great pleasure in it. My joy was not yet entirely complete, however, because I was compelled to walk the entire length of Rechov HaYehudim [the Street of the Jews] both going and returning.

The dwelling stood in the courtyard of the synagogue of the Rav of Kalish, at the end of Rechov HaYehudim. When I first came to Jerusalem in my youth, I had thought that I might move into that courtyard and live there in a small, dark, narrow room. I wished to pay half a pound per month to my relative Rabbi Dovtshi, of blessed memory, who lived in that house and under whose authority the aforementioned dark room stood; but he refused.

Now I was actually going to his very house, for this house was the house of the aforementioned Rabbi Dovtshi. It was not, however, the entire house, for it had been divided in the middle into two halves. In one half lived Rabbi Moshe, the gabbai of our beis midrash; in the other lived my friend Rabbi Avraham Moshe, who had given me permission to be in his house whenever I wished, as stated above. Only a certain door separated them. Every time I entered that courtyard, I recalled my youth and the period when I first came to Jerusalem, and this brought me spiritual arousal, etc.

In this house too I could not raise my voice; I could speak only in a whisper, lest those in the other house hear me. Nor did I have a place in which to attend to my bodily needs, and I had to go out and seek another place for that purpose. On many occasions I also found the owner at home. Although, Heaven forbid, he did not disturb me in the least, I nevertheless did not then experience so much savor in my service. After all, this was not a completely private room into which no other person entered. Moreover, people could look in through the windows from another courtyard; people passed there, and I would see them and hear their voices. Nevertheless, even this house afforded me great benefit, and ultimately I did merit serving Hashem and engaging in hisbodedus there.

I spent a long period in that house—approximately half a year or more. Yet I continued to yearn and long greatly for a better room, one nearby so that I would not have to walk through the street, and one that would be entirely private.