Chapter 37

At that time this awakening arose through my friend Rabbi Yom Tov, and a fine gathering was formed in the Shaarei Chessed neighborhood. They began praying there in the chasidim’s bais midrash and studying the teachings of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, and a great awakening arose. For some time previously they had been bringing Rabbi Avraham there for Shabbos so that he would teach the teachings of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, and a great awakening arose. There was a great awakening: many people would gather to listen. The members of our fellowship also rented a house in which they would assemble together, and Rabbi Avraham and his wife would sleep there when they came for Shabbos.

Afterward, however, they did not wish to expend so much money as was needed to bring Rabbi Avraham, may his light shine. Rabbi Avraham had also moved his residence to the Old City between Purim and Pesach, for he had long been making extensive efforts with Rabbi Horowitz and Rabbi Yisrael Leibel to have an apartment given to him, and so forth. Rabbi Horowitz and Rabbi Yisrael Leibel advised him to move into the lower dwelling beside the bais midrash, after which they would exchange it for another dwelling. He moved into that apartment. For this reason too, it became difficult for him to go to Shaarei Chessed for Shabbos; he also did not wish to leave the city to go to them, and the matter ceased.

They earnestly requested that I go out to them, but I could not prevail upon myself to do so. I went only on weekdays, several times each week, to study for several hours during the day with the young men who would leave the yeshivah in the afternoon.

Nevertheless, in the meantime the gathering in Shaarei Chessed grew stronger and more souls drew near. For a long period I went almost every day outside the city, and we would assemble there near the Etz Chaim Yeshivah. We spent several hours there each day studying the books of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, including the in-depth study of a Torah teaching from Likutay Moharan. We would speak at length about matters of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, and about the service of Hashem, in terms of deed and actual practice, and there was a great awakening. When it drew close to Pesach, however, we stopped somewhat because of the exertion of Pesach. Nevertheless, the fire of friendship remained in our hearts. During Pesach they also came to me in the city, and we spoke at length about matters of Rabbainu, of blessed memory.

One person also drew near who had been entirely distant from the Jewish religion. He had already become completely wicked, Heaven forbid, and had even been among the missionaries. His mind was already immersed in false views and beliefs, heresy, and all manner of alien doctrines; in practice as well, he violated the entire Torah through desecration of Shabbos, and so forth.

He too began coming to us and attended the lesson several times. He was aroused with a great awakening to repent, but his ideas and thoughts confused him many times. On many occasions I spent many hours making him understand and explaining to him the pure and clear truth. Some time passed in this manner, and he again became confused. Eventually, opponents of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, and of chasidim in general gathered around him and spoke to him words of opposition against Rabbainu, of blessed memory, until they inclined his heart away from the matter of Rabbainu, of blessed memory.

When I spoke with him again upon meeting him, he began hurling evil venom at me—words of opposition and false statements. However much I explained matters to him and spoke with him, it did not avail; he persisted in his stubbornness and his evil brazenness. I became exceedingly angry over this, and the thought arose in my mind that I would no longer speak with him, either for good or for bad. In my own mind as well, I utterly despaired of him.

But Rabbainu, of blessed memory, had already declared beforehand: “There is no despair in the world at all.” The warm words concerning Rabbainu, of blessed memory, which burned like a blazing fire, worked upon his heart each time. Ultimately, when he began his service, ultimately he derived vitality only and specifically through matters of Rabbainu, of blessed memory. In truth, he possessed much brokenheartedness and immense obstacles in his mind, for his evil confused him greatly and distorted his mind and heart each time. Yet the measure of good is greater, and so forth: ultimately, each time, his good points and his yearnings and longings for the truth accumulated, and so forth. Some time passed, and he proceeded in the service of Hashem: he studied and prayed, recited Tehillim and prayers, and so forth, and also fasted.

A person’s state of mind, however, is not the same at all times. Whenever he underwent some decline in his mind, he became alarmed by it and was unable to revive himself. His former thoughts of lust, heresy, and idolatry—may the Merciful One save us—would confuse him, and he did not know how to take counsel within his own soul.

One time (after a long period in which I had not seen him, for he had not come to study, since they had confused his mind and distanced him from us), I entered the bais midrash of Batei Machaseh and saw him. I paid him no heed and did not speak with him at all, for I was angry with him: after all the labor and toil I had devoted to him, he had already felt some of the sweetness of the matter of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, and of the service of Hashem; he had already seen the difference and distinction between his service when he believed in Rabbainu, of blessed memory, and studied his books, and when he was distant from Rabbainu, of blessed memory—how then he was likewise distant from service, and so forth—and yet, in the end, he listened to the words of opponents and withdrew.

He approached me, however, and began speaking with me. I asked him how his service was proceeding, and he began lamenting greatly over the decline and confusions that were passing over him: questions, perplexities, and bewildered views in which he had formerly been immersed would continually arise anew and confuse him. I told him not to be afraid and that he could tell me everything in full.

Although this was not good for me and was exceedingly difficult for me—first, because of the time it would consume, and second, because why should I bring all these foolish and vain thoughts into my mind?—even had they given me all the wealth in the world, I would not have wished to take such alien doctrines and perplexities into my heart or listen to them for even a single moment.

Yet, “Fortunate is one who takes hold of the hand of sinners,” as brought in the holy Zohar. I resolved in my mind to surrender myself to this with self-sacrifice: to listen to his views and confusions and answer them, and so forth. I placed my hope in Hashem, blessed be He, that through the power of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, I would answer everything for him, and that he would receive from me genuine strengthening and sound counsel by which he could pass through everything.

He began speaking with me and recounting his perplexities, and I was terrified by what I heard (I almost regretted having begun to enter into this matter). His words consisted of perplexities concerning missionary doctrines—may the Merciful One save us. He set forth for me, one by one, their views that he had already studied among them. He had already come to regard it as a mitzvah to entice and lead many more Jews astray, Heaven forbid. He showed me their allusions in the Written Torah and spoke concerning the “New Covenant” [New Testament]—may the Merciful One save us—and spoke extensively about the Oral Torah, the Tannaim, and the Amoraim, and so forth.

He also spoke other alien views and heresies, and so forth, that are truly unfit to be set down in writing—against Hashem and against His anointed. I deeply regretted the matter in its entirety. Nevertheless, I strengthened myself and exerted myself through the power of Rabbainu, of blessed memory. I began refuting his alien views, while he argued with me. Blessed be Hashem, through understanding and reason I refuted all his views and established him upon the truth with clear proofs (as Rabbainu, of blessed memory, said: “In [the matter of] ‘Know what to answer a heretic,’ I am with my people.”).

He also laid all his conversation and his heart before me concerning how he should conduct himself in the service of Hashem and what he should do when his former days [his past] confused him, and so forth. With the help of Hashem, blessed be He, I gave him strengthening and sound counsel as to what he should do and how he should strengthen himself. All this had to pass over him, but this too would pass. If only he would stand his ground, not be affected by anything passing over him or through his mind, and continually do nothing but pray and seek mercy from Hashem, blessed be He, then ultimately Hashem, blessed be He, would help him, and he would pass through everything.

In any event, I spent nearly the greater part of the day with him in this manner, and he literally became another person. He told me that I had literally revived him and that from then onward he expected to have greater repose. We went together to the Western Wall to pray Minchah and Maariv, for the day had already waned.

He had repose and it was well with him, but I suffered exceedingly, for filth and thoughts of a kind I had never known, and that had never occurred to me at all, entered my mind. Even had they given me all the wealth in the world, I would not have wished to hear so much as a hair’s breadth of any such thing. Nevertheless, with Hashem’s help, I immediately removed them from my mind and thought and forgot them completely, as though I had never heard them at all.

He went home joyfully, for I had removed a great burden from him (for heresy is an exceedingly heavy burden, as brought in Sichos HaRan. A proof is found in the Chumash, in Devarim: “How can I bear … your burden?” Rashi explains: “Apikorsus [heresy—because they did not believe in Moshe]”; see there). In sum, after this those thoughts passed from him, he strengthened himself in the service, and for a long time afterward he carried on his service.