Chapter 51

Once I had completed the arrangements concerning the place and ensured that everything was in order, I told my wife that she should know that from then onward my only occupation was to remain at the holy tziyun and engage in the service of Hashem, and so forth. I then went to the mikveh in the courtyard and afterward entered the inner chamber, to my place beside the holy tziyun, as stated above. I stood by the holy tziyun for the first time, as one gives an initial greeting of shalom aleichem. This is of primary importance, for the beginning and the farewell at the time of departure are the essential points: at those two times a person compels himself all the more to engage in hitbodedus, the outpouring of speech, and verbal confession, and so forth.

I also took my older sons in so that they would recite the Tikun Haklali, make verbal confession, and say prayers and Tehillim. My wife likewise entered and poured out a little of her heart. We also brought the small children close to the holy tziyun so that they would kiss it with their mouths, and taught them several short petitions to recite with their own mouths.

I began to recite the Tikun Haklali with spiritual awakening and verbal confession. I remained thus until Minchah was prayed there at sunset, and I too prayed with them with spiritual awakening. Rabbi Tzvi, the shamash, lit the No. 1,000 lamp in the courtyard, as well as a large lamp in the great synagogue and another inside, in our place. He also distributed lekech [cake] and spirits to us, and afterward led us in singing ‘Bar Yochai’; they danced together for a time. Each person then went to his place to eat the evening meal.

More people continually arrived. My friend Tzvi Aryeh likewise came with his entire household and purchased a place for them in the synagogue. (The Sephardim also came several more times to ask me for the money, and I answered them that my friends who had the money had not yet arrived, and so forth.) Rabbi Tzvi Aryeh also took a place inside upon a certain patch of space.

There was certainly already considerable spiritual awakening at the holy tziyun, both within the inner chamber and in the great synagogue. Many tallow candles had already been kindled upon the holy tziyunim, as is customary, in addition to the many oil lamps, and so forth.

This too produces spiritual awakening, for ‘a mitzvah is a lamp’: it awakens and illumines the mind and heart, as is brought in the holy works and also in Likutay Halachos, Orach Chaim, Part I, Hilchos Kreyas Shima, Halachah 6, concerning holy lamps, and so forth. These correspond to the lamps of the Menorah, and so forth; they elevate from shmad [apostasy] to ratzon [Divine favor] and sweeten all judgments, and so forth. See there at length. The matter is likewise discussed in Hilchos Shabbos and in Hilchos Rosh Chodesh, Halachah 7, as well as in the letter concerning the passing of Moharnat, of righteous and blessed memory. When he saw the Shabbos lamps, he became greatly aflame and said, ‘Ner Shabbos [the Shabbos lamp],’ and so forth; he said that he possessed upon this heaps upon heaps of halachos, but lacked the strength, and so forth. At any rate, we consequently experience vitality and awakening toward the service of Hashem, and we believe that the neshama is sanctified through our gazing upon the holy lamps.

I likewise experienced spiritual awakening and a surrender of the heart to the tzadik who rests there, who is all my vitality, together with attachment to him in love and with a willing soul. We see tangibly that whoever comes to the tziyun of the divine Tanna Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit shield us, Amen—whoever he may be, even the lowest of the low—has a thought of repentance and approaches there with awe, trembling reverence, and a love concealed in his heart for this holy tzadik. It is brought concerning him in a certain Midrash that just as Hashem, blessed be He, is good to all, so too Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai is good to all.

This can be felt and seen tangibly: he is good to every Jew, even to secular Jews, and so forth. When they come to his holy tziyun, they experience love and affection for him like a son for his father, and pour out their hearts before him as before the most beloved friend, and so forth. Even non-Jews, lehavdil, possess awe and love for this awesome place, and so forth.

I recited the Tikun Haklali and other prayers with an awakening of the heart, with an outpouring of speech and verbal confession as before the most beloved friend, and with weeping born of love and affection. I spent several hours in this manner, until my spirit had cooled and settled (biz men kilt zikh dos harts [until the heart is cooled and relieved]). Afterward I prayed Minchah and Maariv there with the congregation, and then ate my evening meal—bread with salt, and so forth—there beside the holy tziyun, as was always my practice. I immediately prepared myself to sleep so that I could rise at midnight to perform the service of Hashem, blessed be He.

My wife, may she live, and the children ate there at their place in the great bais midrash beside the holy tziyunim, as stated above, where a place had also been prepared for them to sleep. She slept with the children and thereby departed from her practice of not sleeping with them. She had undertaken this self-denial—not sleeping with the children—because of the deaths of the children with which we had been punished, may it not be upon us; may Hashem protect us henceforth. She had therefore accepted upon herself not to sleep with the children, despite the great delight this afforded her. Moreover, it is better for the children when one maintains some distance from them and does not indulge in playful caresses with them, as is brought in the words of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, in Sichos HaRan. She likewise did not kiss the children.

From the day this child—the young ‘groom’ of the peyos ceremony—was born, she had not slept with him even for a single night. Rather, he slept separately in a bed. When she had to nurse him, she rose from her bed, sat and nursed him, and afterward placed him in his separate sleeping place, as stated above, while she lay down upon her own bed. This was her practice. On this occasion, however, she forgot about it and slept that night together with the children.

She was unable to sleep, however, because the aforementioned little child Naftali did not allow her to sleep. I too could not sleep, because I heard that the child was unable to sleep, and this caused me great distress and suffering: perhaps he was ill from the exertion of the journey, and so forth. I repeatedly went out to see how he was faring.

Thus matters passed over me until midnight, while I merely lay in my place there beside the holy tziyun. The child who was the young ‘groom’ of the peyos ceremony, may his light shine, lay with me beside the holy tziyun and slept. He did not move away from me or from that place by day or by night, except when he went out to attend to his needs or to eat and drink; he always returned immediately through the great crush of people, came and sat in his place, and lay down there. I did not sleep, but merely lay there, gazing upon the holy tziyun with eyes expressive of petition and supplication.

I likewise practiced hitbodedus upon my bed. When midnight arrived, I strengthened myself with all my power, washed my hands, and recited the morning blessings, as is customary. I then performed Tikun Chatzos and carried out my service, breaking my heart in weeping and petition before Hashem, blessed be He. (My heart warned me lest I, Heaven forbid, experience anguish through the aforementioned infant.) Afterward I recited Tehillim and prayers, and thus spent several hours.

Dawn then broke. I immediately hastened to the mikveh in the courtyard and afterward positioned myself to pray the morning service, in keeping with my constant practice of praying vasikin. I was especially eager to do so now because I feared that men and women would soon begin to arrive, as is well known, making it difficult for me to perform my service. I therefore hastened, as was always my practice on Erev Lag BaOmer, to complete the prayer and then engage in the service of Hashem before the people arrived in masses, when it would already be more difficult to serve as before.

I hastened and prayed Shacharis, and immediately donned Rabbainu Tam tefillin. Beside the holy tziyun I recited the Tikun Haklali with an awakening of the heart, hitbodedus, verbal confession, and an outpouring of speech, as well as the prayer of pidyon [redemption] and the prayer for Lag BaOmer, and so forth. I spent several hours in this manner, pouring out my speech and my heart before Hashem, blessed be He, beside the holy tziyun. Meanwhile the congregation likewise prayed its service, and I heard Kaddish, Barechu, Kedushah, and so forth.