Chapter 54

Most of the younger members of our fellowship, together with many other people, set up a large table in the inner chamber beside the holy tziyun, until the chamber was too narrow to contain us. We sat crowded together. I sat in my customary place beside the holy tziyun, while behind me sat other members of our fellowship and other people, all around the chamber. They covered the table with cloths. The ‘table’ was in fact like one of our benches, for the arrangements there were in the Sephardi manner: throughout the entire courtyard and bais midrash of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit shield us, Amen, and in all the rooms there, not even one table such as ours was to be found; ordinary chairs and benches were likewise not to be found there.

The inner chamber was constructed only with low bench-platforms close to the floor. In the large outer bais midrash as well, there were several bench-platforms all around, and people sat, ate, and slept entirely upon them. Apart from a lamp and a mat, there was only one long bench in the aforementioned inner chamber. People frequently stood upon it in order to arrange the olive-oil lamps that were kindled at the holy tziyun or in the lamps suspended all around the upper part of the chamber. We took this bench, placed it before us, and it occupied almost the entire length of the room.

Our places were upon the bench-platform, and from our side we ate upon the bench. On the other side of the bench, men likewise sat upon the floor along the entire length of the room, placed garments beneath themselves, and ate upon the aforementioned bench. Across the full width of the room, people then ate upon the bench-platform that ran beside the wall and windows. The Aron Kodesh stood at a distance from the holy tziyun and directly opposite it. Mats were spread in the center of the room, and people ate beside the holy tziyun; those who had not managed to secure places likewise sat there upon the aforementioned mats. Along the entire width beside the holy tziyun, men stood and offered their petitions there, and so forth.

In the center of the room stood something like a very small table, although it rose almost to the height of a man. This was the bimah upon which the prayer leader prayed and upon which the Torah was read. Our Sefer Torah could not be placed upon it because the table was so narrow. In general, only the Sephardi Torah scrolls, which were enclosed within cases, were present there; the Torah was read while the Sefer Torah stood upright within its case.

They covered the aforementioned ‘table’—that is, the bench—with cloths, each person covering the portion near him with his sash or with his own cloth. They placed challahs there for every person. (The organizers who occupied themselves with this mitzvah had prepared them for all the people who ate the Shabbos meal together in the inner chamber; those same organizers also distributed the food and served throughout the entire meal.) At my place I had the food my wife had prepared for me, and the children, may they live, repeatedly brought me whatever I required.

We began to recite ‘Shalom Aleichem’ together with great spiritual awakening, and in particular ‘Ribbon Kol HaOlamim’ with still greater awakening; the recitation of the aforementioned praise, ‘Ribbon…,’ and so forth, continued for a long time. From Kabbalas Shabbos until Kiddush I was generally anxious, as though my heart were telling me that trouble would befall me, Heaven forbid. Yet, to the contrary, throughout this time I was exceedingly content that, blessed be Hashem, for the first time in my life I had merited to be with my entire household beside the holy and awesome tziyun for several days and nights, and to spend Shabbos there amid a fervor and spiritual awakening almost without parallel.

Moreover, with the help of Hashem, blessed be He, we would be there on Lag BaOmer, the day of his passing. We would all certainly merit very great sanctity, purity, and divine spirituality there. I had merited such true and eternal gain that the entire world, together with all its pleasures and delights, was not worth this; and I had merited it together with my entire household, among the other members of our fellowship and holy Jews. Blessed be Hashem, my service was also proceeding in its regular order: my place beside the holy tziyun was prepared and arranged as always, and no one hindered my service.

My wife and the children did not disturb me at all; on the contrary, I received much assistance from them. My son, may his light shine—the young ‘groom’ of the peyos ceremony—sat continually in my place beside the holy tziyun and absorbed into his pure heart such sanctity and purity that it would be of great benefit to him throughout all the days of his life. The other children, may they live, likewise saw what they saw—things they had never seen in their lives—and seized what they seized of divine service and hitbodedus; this would remain with them forever.

My wife, may she live, likewise attained such a merit: to remain for several complete twenty-four-hour periods in so holy and awesome a place, amid so immense a multitude, with such prayers, blessings, sanctities, weeping, awakening, fervor, rejoicing, and dancing as neither her forefathers nor the forefathers of her forefathers had ever witnessed. She certainly absorbed from this a good fragrance into her soul. One who comes only briefly to offer a few petitions and then leaves for another place to rest and eat, and so forth, is not comparable to one who sits there day and night within the sanctity. Inside is an entirely different world, and outside an entirely different world.

In particular, I know this with absolute certainty: when a person merits sitting there beside the tzadik, even if he does not engage in the service of Hashem, he is incorporated into the tzadik and transformed into the tzadik’s essence. Awe and love descend upon him, and he becomes an entirely different person. Just as Rabbainu, of blessed memory, teaches this regarding Eretz Yisrael, so too it applies regarding the tzadik and regarding the holy faith of Judaism: when one merits being within these, even if one does not merit engaging in the service of Hashem, one is nevertheless incorporated into these sanctities and transformed into their holy essence.

Certainly, one also seizes many genuine thoughts of repentance, many prayers, weeping, and outpourings of speech before Hashem, blessed be He, and much service of Hashem. My wife in particular merited performing many mitzvos through hospitality, charity, and acts of lovingkindness: she prepared hot water for whoever desired it, and assisted with other things from the belongings we had brought there. In that place everything is taken into account, for it is like a wilderness, like the World to Come, and like Shabbos, concerning which it is said, ‘Whoever toiled on Erev Shabbos will eat on Shabbos.’ Therefore, if one assists a person who requests it with even the smallest thing there, it is a matter of great importance, and so forth.

In sum, blessed be Hashem, I merited to prevail in the struggle I had endured throughout this journey against all the obstacles described above. For a certain period I actually merited entering the teivah [ark] with my entire household, as in the case of Noach. It is brought in the Tikunim that the teivah [ark] is in the aspect of the Holy of Holies; and Rabbainu, of blessed memory, teaches that the teivah [ark] is in the aspect of teivah [a word] and the speech of prayer, which is the great sanctity. I therefore certainly had to rejoice greatly in my portion. In truth, I rejoiced over it as over all the wealth in the world and was exceedingly content with it.

With respect to the small child, may his light shine, I likewise saw that, blessed be Hashem, he was in proper condition. In sum, throughout Friday I was tranquil and joyful, preparing myself to receive this great and holy Shabbos with fitting joy and awakening, and afterward to receive fittingly the great and holy day—the day of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit shield us, Amen.

But ‘many are the thoughts…,’ and so forth. Suddenly, during Kabbalas Shabbos, bitterness and brokenness of spirit entered my heart. Much as I tried to drive it somewhat from my heart and draw only joy upon myself, without any brokenheartedness at all—as Rabbainu, of blessed memory, repeatedly warned that on Shabbos one must be only joyful, without any brokenheartedness—it did not help. I therefore poured out my speech and my heart during Kabbalas Shabbos and beside the holy tziyun, weeping with copious tears. I wept especially during the petitions in the aforementioned praise, ‘Ribbon Kol HaOlamim,’ and during the song ‘Eishes Chayil,’ and so forth.

In sum, I wept a very great deal. I wished to pour out my entire speech and heart through weeping until I could cool and relieve my spirit (zikh oysvaynen biz es vet mir vern gringer oyfn harts [to weep myself out until my heart would become lighter]). Yet when I saw how exceedingly difficult this was, and that the more I tried to relieve my spirit the more deeply I felt the bitterness of my heart—over having been so long distant from the holy tziyun of Rabbainu and from the service to which I had been accustomed there; over having thought, at the beginning of my drawing near, that I would already become an entirely different person and merit what I would merit, whereas ultimately I was still distant, and so forth; and over all that was passing over me materially and spiritually, and so forth—I was compelled to stop in the midst of my weeping. During Kiddush and the meal I strengthened myself to settle my spirit and gladden my heart and soul, and so forth.