Chapter 69

We left there toward evening, our hearts sick within us and filled with great anguish and suffering. This took place on Tuesday. I went to the Western Wall and aroused our fellow Breslover Chassidim to plead for mercy. They all pleaded abundantly, so that the Name of Heaven should not be desecrated; their compassion was also deeply aroused, and they pleaded that the child should live. I made many vows, some concerning charity and others concerning matters of Chassidus: to make a meal for the poor and relate the deeds and wonders of Hashem, and so forth; to make payos for him in Meron and likewise make a meal there; and many additional vows.

I saw my friend Rabbi Yisrael Dov and aroused him to plead for mercy. He told me that I should examine my deeds in order to correct them, and asked whether I wished to hire him to plead on my behalf. Moharanat, of blessed memory, once said something similar to a person who told him of his condition and asked him to pray for him. Moharanat replied: “Hashem, may He be blessed, sent you these sufferings so that you should examine your deeds and return to Him, yet you wish to free yourself of this by hiring me as your paid proxy! Rather, you must examine your deeds, regret the evil, accept upon yourself to correct whatever you can, and plead with Hashem, may He be blessed, that He spare you. I, too, will assist you in this by praying on your behalf.”

In truth, however, I was surely crushed to the very soul. I had certainly examined my deeds and repented—would that I might always be as clean as I was then. I also increased prayer and weeping day and night without cease. I desired only the prayer of the many as well, for a prisoner cannot free himself from confinement. Even the greatest tzaddik requires the prayers of others on his behalf, as is brought in Sefer HaMidos.

That night passed over us in profound anguish and suffering that reached the very soul. We thought continually: Who knows what has happened with the child? Because of the multitude of our anguish and thoughts, we were unable to sleep that night. Early in the morning I went to the mikvah and pleaded there abundantly on the child’s behalf. At midnight I had likewise wept profusely and recited Tehillim and prayers for the sweetening of judgments and for healing, and so forth, as well as Shir HaShirim before the light of dawn, as is brought in the words of Rabbainu, of blessed memory.

I prayed the Vasikin service, and all our petitions were solely for the life of the child. Throughout that entire time we made no other request, whether communal or personal, apart from this one request: that the child should live. Immediately after prayer I took up my weapons. I performed the sweetening of the lot, as brought in Sefer HaMidos: to sweeten judgments one should cast a lot as on Yom Kippur, and so forth. The explanation from Moharanat, of blessed memory, is brought there: one takes two coins and casts a lot to determine which is “for Hashem” and which is “for Azazel.” The coin upon which the lot “for Hashem” falls is distributed to charity, while the coin upon which the lot “for Azazel” falls is cast away and destroyed. Rabbi Yisrael Dov had aroused me to do this, for it is a great sweetening.

I took two half-grush coins and did so. I distributed one to charity and cast the other into our sewage drain. From the depth of my heart and soul I performed a pidyon nefesh, a redemption of the soul. I recited the names of the tzaddikim who alter nature, together with Tehillim and prayers. The two of us recited, “And on your New Moons,” as brought in Likutay Moharan, and so forth. After I had completed all the foregoing, which took a long time, we debated between ourselves as to which of us would go to the neighbor’s telephone to inquire after the child and determine whether he was alive, for in our minds it was almost certain that, God forbid, and so forth.

For that reason neither one of us wished to receive the report. The neighbor’s grandson himself came and asked us to come and inquire after the child. The two of us—my wife and I—entered together, filled with fear, trembling, and perspiration. The neighbor spoke on the telephone but could not communicate properly, and my wife was compelled, against her will, to take the receiver into her own hand and speak. They did not wish to answer her until, weeping, she rebuked them: she was the child’s mother and was asking after her child—why would they not answer her, and so forth? They replied, “The same thing,” meaning the same as the previous day.

For us this was very great news, because, blessed be Hashem, he was still alive and there was still hope. We rejoiced greatly over this. We grasped our weapons in our hands and throughout the entire day increased prayer and pleas for mercy, asking that He act for the sake of His great Name and for the sake of the tzaddikim, and so forth. The child’s brother, one of the young schoolchildren, may his light shine, also prayed and pleaded every day: “Master of the Universe, have mercy upon my brother, Naftali ben Tzion, that he should soon have a complete recovery,” and so forth. Thus this day, too, passed over us in fear and trembling. We increased prayer, supplication, and pleas for Heavenly mercy with weeping and tears. The nurse from the Tipat Chalav clinic came and asked our neighbors what was happening with the child—whether he had not yet died. When the neighbor told her that he was still alive, she was exceedingly astonished.

Thus that entire twenty-four-hour period passed over us with a broken heart and a lowly spirit. Throughout the entire time, until we merited seeing him in our home, our minds were displaced; we were like madmen, without reason, like a person standing in a river and drowning, and so forth. It resembled the time when I had been imprisoned to be put to death and expected at every moment that they would come to take me, God forbid, while no one knew at all what had become of me. Throughout that period I had been like one standing upon burning coals, and so forth, and it was a miracle that I did not lose my sanity. So, too, was it with us throughout this entire period in which the child was ill, God forbid: we were prepared for his death, God forbid; may the Merciful One save us.

Hashem, may He be blessed, alone knows the taste we experienced and the condition of our hearts throughout that entire time. Yet after all the prayers, petitions, and weeping with which we cried, pleaded, prayed, and supplicated before the Creator of all worlds, and after all the sweetenings of judgments that we performed, I would nullify myself entirely before Hashem, may He be blessed. Rabbainu, of blessed memory, brings in Sichos HaRan: “When matters are utterly bad, one completely nullifies oneself before Hashem, may He be blessed.” There he depicts the manner of this nullification: one closes one’s eyes and mouth and gives oneself over entirely to Hashem, may He be blessed, as though one were not in this world, so that Hashem, may He be blessed, should do according to His will, and so forth.

During that state of nullification the suffering departs and one does not feel it. It is impossible, however, to remain continually in such nullification. When one returns from the nullification, one again feels the full intensity of the suffering. I would make the world tremble with weeping and supplication, and afterward I would enter the state of nullification, and so forth. Thus it was with me throughout all those days: I would make the world tremble, and so forth, until I became entirely silent in that state of nullification, as stated above. We required iron strength to endure all this throughout those days.