Chapter 72

On Sunday morning, after prayer, I performed my devotions as always—the lot, the pidyonos, and the prayers. We then went to visit the child. First we went to Meah Shearim to purchase a toy for him, as I had said on Thursday. For a few grush I bought him a small flute. From there we walked until we reached the hospital. We entered his room, and as soon as he saw us he began to cry and sighed greatly. I gave him the toy, but he did not look at it at all and paid it no attention whatsoever.

My wife wished to lift him slightly and take him into her arms. She saw his weakness: his skin had quite literally shriveled upon him, so that he was nothing but skin and bones, and she was unable even to take him into her arms. She also saw the numerous sores upon his body from the many injections. On his thigh she saw a wound like a large hole from the “kakh-ayn” injection they had administered to him [the precise medical designation is uncertain in the source].

She feared that, God forbid, this might leave him permanently impaired. Our hearts ached greatly at the sight of his terrible condition. Yet we rejoiced that, since he was alive, there was still hope. Nevertheless, we left filled with suffering and grief of heart over his exceedingly grave condition. We entered the tomb of Shimon HaTzaddik and poured out our conversation with hearts exceedingly bitter and broken.

In accordance with the dreadful condition we had seen, I aroused abundant mercy on the child’s behalf. Thus Sunday and Monday passed over us. On Tuesday, Erev Shavuos, after performing our devotions and after making our preparations for the sacred festival of Shavuos that was approaching us, my wife and I went to the hospital to visit the child. I no longer brought the toy with me, because of the anguish I had experienced on the previous visiting day when he had paid it no attention at all. We reached the aforementioned room, entered, and approached his bed. As soon as he saw us, he began to cry and sighed again and again.

I spoke words of consolation to him and said, “With the help of Hashem, may He be blessed, we will take you home.” I played with him using several objects that I had with me. He also wanted us to take him into our arms. His mother held him for a short while, but because of his weakness she could not continue. Although his complexion was very green, and he was immeasurably emaciated and exceedingly weak, we nevertheless rejoiced that, blessed be Hashem, his condition was better and that he already recognized us. We remained there for approximately half an hour.

Because of the demands of the festival, we began our return journey half an hour before the allotted time had ended. The child cried greatly when we left him. We stood outside to listen and heard him continue crying for a short while and sighing. He placed his finger in his mouth and sighed quietly. We walked back from the hospital and entered the tomb of Shimon HaTzaddik, may his merit protect us, amen. My wife, may she live, hurried away because of the honor of the sacred festival, while I remained longer at the holy tomb and recited Tikkun Haklali and Prayer 56 concerning the sacred festival of Shavuos, and so forth.

I also engaged in hisbodedus and prepared myself, with yearning, longing, prayer, and petition, to receive the sacred and awesome festival of Shavuos—“one day, known to Hashem”—which is elevated and exalted above all the appointed times and festivals. I prayed that we should merit receiving the Torah anew and fulfilling it, and so forth. Shavuos was also one of the times at which there was an obligation to travel to Rabbainu, of blessed memory. To this day in Uman it is a second aspect of Rosh Hashanah: people assemble and come from all places; on Erev Shavuos they go to the holy tomb; and on Shavuos they pray together in the kloyz with joy, powerful arousal, and great vitality. They also study Rabbainu’s works together.

During Rabbainu’s lifetime there was likewise a great pilgrimage of his followers to him on Shavuos, and he would deliver a Torah discourse. Moharanat, of blessed memory, also exercised great self-sacrifice to come to Rabbainu for Shavuos, as is brought in Chayay Moharan and in Yemei Moharanat, Part I. In truth, the arousal and vitality of this festival—the sacred festival of Shavuos—are attached and bound to my heart more than those of all other festivals and seasons. I feel within it the sanctity, vitality, and arousal of Yom Tov more than at any other time, and this has been so since the days of my youth.

Therefore, although my heart and mind were confused and disturbed by the hardships and vicissitudes that had passed over us until then—particularly our anguish and tribulations over the child’s illness, since he still remained in exceedingly grave danger—nevertheless, when we returned from the hospital and had seen that his condition was slightly better, I felt it my duty to cast the anxiety and disturbance from my mind and begin preparing myself for this sacred and awesome day, which constitutes all my vitality throughout the entire year, and so forth. It would certainly be an immeasurable deficiency were I, God forbid, to lose the divine illumination, arousal, and vitality of this sacred festival.

I therefore girded my loins to remove the anxieties and heaviness from my heart. I began preparing myself for this sacred festival with faith and trust in Hashem, may He be blessed, that He would help us and restore the child to full strength. Nevertheless, the child’s condition continually gnawed at my mind. Even during the sacred festival, although I strengthened myself and performed my devotions, my entire mind and heart remained upon him. The words never ceased from my mouth: “Master of the Universe, have mercy! Master of the Universe, have compassion,” and so forth.

I remained for some time at the tomb of Shimon HaTzaddik. In addition to praying and arousing mercy for the child, as always, I prepared myself with thoughts of repentance, arousal to prayer, and hisbodedus, so that I might receive this sacred festival properly and renew myself in Torah and the service of Hashem, and so forth. From there I went to Meah Shearim and informed my father-in-law, of blessed memory, that the child’s condition had improved slightly. I also wished him a joyous festival and went to my home in the Old City. There they were preparing in honor of the sacred festival. They had also brought green leaves and grasses to hang in the home, in accordance with the custom of the holy Jewish people, as is brought in the Shulchan Aruch.

I also went to the Western Wall, where I increased prayer, hisbodedus, Tehillim, and preparation in honor of the sacred festival. I prayed Minchah and returned home. As on every day, and with still greater intensity, I did what lay within my power through petition, pleas for mercy, and supplication on the child’s behalf, through casting the aforementioned lot, and through the other practices. My heart and mind burned within me that Hashem, may He be blessed, should spare us, have mercy upon us, and gladden our hearts through the child’s deliverance. Our heart was truly in tumult, and our soul pined for Him.