Chapter 79

Now that I had seen a change for the worse in the child, we surely strengthened ourselves still more in prayer and crying out to Hashem, may He be blessed. The burden upon my head grew heavier, and my anguish and suffering intensified. I poured out my conversation before Hashem, may He be blessed, with weeping and supplication. I likewise occupied myself with the Tikkunim and the sweetening of judgments at midnight, with the lots, the recitation of Shir HaShirim, the pidyonos, the giving of charity, and so forth.

On Monday my wife, may she live, went to the old Hadassah clinic and waited for Dr. Rabinowitz to come and receive patients. She asked him about the child’s condition. He replied that the condition had worsened because the child had developed a fever, and that he did not yet know the cause of the matter or the nature of the illness. The great vitality she derived from hearing this may readily be understood.

Even when we heard favorable reports from them that the child’s condition was better, our hearts still trembled, our heads weighed heavily upon us, and our minds were not with us, because we knew that the child remained critically ill. How much more was this so when they answered, “The same condition”: our souls recoiled from such a state, while our eyes yearned to see some change for the better. Particularly now, when we heard the news that his condition had deteriorated and that even the physician was alarmed and shaken by his state, it surely touched us to the very crushing of the soul.

My wife returned home exceedingly shaken and told me what the physician had said. I consoled her, saying that the child had already been in a far more critical condition, when we had been utterly and completely despondent. We had truly beheld an actual resurrection of the dead with our own eyes, for only a faint pulse of life had yet beaten within him and he had been expiring, may the Merciful One save us. Hashem, may He be blessed, had performed such miracles for us and had helped us until then in a manner outside the natural order, as everyone would acknowledge. Although our souls were weary of enduring such a prolonged period—day after day waiting for him to recover, waiting for a change for the better, and now especially seeing that his condition had deteriorated—nevertheless, his condition was not as critical as it had formerly been. It was true that danger remained near so long as he had not recovered, but one had to strengthen oneself with fortitude and trust in Hashem, may He be blessed. We had to do whatever we could for his benefit through prayer to Hashem, may He be blessed.

We strengthened ourselves in prayer and in pouring out our conversation with weeping and supplication before Hashem, may He be blessed.

We were sorely afflicted, for that day was exceedingly difficult for us. We would say, “Would that it were evening,” and in the evening, “Would that it were morning.” Would that we might already see some change for the better! We pushed the time forward amid anguish and suffering. At last we merited seeing Tuesday. Until midday we occupied ourselves with prayer and devotions. Afterward we went to Hadassah Hospital, our souls expiring from longing to see the child. We waited in the corridor beside the small table until the nurses had finished feeding the children.

We said to one another, “Would that Hashem, may He be blessed, grant it and gladden our hearts, so that we merit seeing the child healthy.” Our eyes were raised toward Heaven: Spare us and have mercy upon us, and so forth. We then entered to see the child and found his condition as it had been before—not good, with a fever. He was dried out, with nothing but his bones and skin upon him, lying there and groaning. We sat in anguish and suffering and pleaded before Hashem, may He be blessed.

We said to one another that perhaps, because he had a fever, he was unable to put on flesh. When Hashem, may He be blessed, would help and the fever would subside, perhaps the food would enable him to gain flesh and his condition would improve. We also discussed whether we should arrange another consultation with a physician—whether Dr. Kagan should enter the hospital and examine the child as well—since Dr. Rabinowitz himself said that he did not know the nature of the additional illness that had developed.

In sum, we left filled with anguish, suffering of the heart, and uncertainty concerning what to do with the child: whether to take him home, bring him to Dr. Kagan for examination, and give him more food. We encountered the aforementioned David Yulis and his wife. He told us that they, too, were suffering over their child, whose condition had remained unchanged for a long time and who was not gaining weight. They were considering taking him home and feeding him from their own food, for perhaps he would fare better in their home.

We reflected that in our case it was still more difficult to take the child home because of his exceedingly poor condition and weakness. In the hospital they administered many injections to him. In particular, he also had a fever; what could we do with him at home? People would wish to kill us for taking the child from the hospital prematurely. If, God forbid, his condition worsened, they would say that we were responsible for it and would not even want to answer us.

We walked the entire distance deliberating over what should be done. We understood that we had no counsel except to lean upon our Father in Heaven, pray and cry out to Him, and trust in Him, may He be blessed. We entered the tomb of Shimon HaTzaddik, may his merit protect us, amen, and raised a tumult with weeping and prayer. From there we went to my father-in-law, of blessed memory, and related to him the “contentment” we were enjoying. What could help us except prayer?

We returned home. I spent the day in prayer, petition, and the recitation of Tehillim. Afterward I went to the Western Wall, where I engaged in prayer and supplication. I also publicly urged our fellow Breslover Chassidim to arouse mercy together. Thus those days and nights passed over us without any sense of ease or contentment. On Wednesday my wife, may she live, again went to the Hadassah clinic to speak with Dr. Rabinowitz concerning the child’s condition.

He gave her the same answer: the condition had not improved, the child still had a fever, and he did not yet know its cause. He thought that perhaps one of the child’s lungs had become obstructed; may Hashem, may He be blessed, help. She left him without joy and with her heart full of uncertainty. She came to me and told me the matter. She suggested that perhaps we should see whether Dr. Kagan could also go and examine him. Yet she was afraid that Dr. Rabinowitz might resent this, and where could we obtain the money to do it? In sum, we saw that we had only to return to our old weapons of war—our mouths and hearts directed toward Heaven.

Thus that day, too, passed over me in anguish and suffering. In the bitterness of my heart I wept, and through my bitter weeping before Hashem, may He be blessed, I cooled and relieved my heart, pleading that from now onward He spare us and have mercy upon us. At the Western Wall I aroused mercy, both by myself and together with our fellow Breslover Chassidim. The night likewise passed over us in anguish and suffering. I performed my devotions through the recitation of Tikkun Chatzos and Shir HaShirim, immersion in the mikvah, prayer, Tehillim, and pidyonos.

We continued in this manner until midday on Thursday. We then went together to Hadassah to visit the child, while our hearts were not with us. We waited downstairs until entry was permitted and afterward upstairs until they had finished feeding the children. Our eyes were consumed with longing to see some hopeful sign. We entered to see the child and found him as before.

The father and mother of a small child in the neighboring bed, whose care was provided through the sick fund, had also come to visit. The father was dissatisfied because his child showed no improvement. Meanwhile the senior nurse came with a list in her hand recording the patients’ conditions. She showed him that his child, in particular, did show improvement. I looked at the entry for our own child and saw that it was marked “not good.” This caused us anguish. We again discussed together what we should do, especially because the child was continually wasting away and losing weight.

People told us accounts of patients they had known who had been unable to gain flesh and whose skin had become like wood. Great physicians had instructed them to give such patients “flesh-strength” (fleishen kraft): namely, to take meat immediately after slaughter, press it in a press into a pot, and give the resulting liquid to sustain the sick person. They told us similar things, and so forth.

Our anguish increased because we possessed no counsel as to what we should do. The hospital would under no circumstances permit food to be brought in. They also said that no one needed to advise them what food to give, for they provided everything necessary. Yet taking the child entirely into our own home was likewise exceedingly difficult, as stated above.

It was also very difficult to bring soup secretly in a small dish and bottle, for perhaps it would harm him, God forbid. Moreover, if they saw us, they would make a great commotion and would no longer permit us to enter at all. I suggested to my wife that we should seek good, old wine, for it strengthens and heals a sick person. Yet so long as he had a fever, I feared that the wine might increase it.

We entered the cave of Shimon HaTzaddik, may his merit protect us, amen, and poured out our conversation, our hearts, and our uncertainties, for we did not know how to establish counsel within our hearts. We likewise went to my father-in-law, of blessed memory, and deliberated with him concerning what should be done, but he told us nothing.

We returned home and followed our customary practice of prayer and petition, and went to the Western Wall as on every day. On Thursday night I remained awake for a long time. Afterward my wife went to the Hadassah clinic to ask Dr. Rabinowitz after the child. He told her that the fever had already left him and that he no longer had a fever, although his condition remained as before. This was surely good news for us, since the fever had departed. Perhaps Hashem, may He be blessed, would now help him to put on flesh and gain vitality, and his condition would steadily improve.