Chapter 80

It is altogether impossible to assess the magnitude of our anguish and suffering throughout that entire week. It resembled the first weeks of the child’s illness, when each day seemed to us like a year. Our heads weighed heavily upon us, and our minds were not with us because of the immense anguish and suffering that reached the very soul. It was an aspect of utter nullification to the Ultimate, with closed eyes: as when, God forbid, a person’s limb is being cut and he suffers intensely, whereupon he closes his eyes and nullifies himself to the Ultimate so that he can endure the suffering. This is brought in Likutay Moharan, Lesson 65, in the Torah beginning “And Boaz said to Ruth,” and so forth.

Thus we were in our own eyes throughout that entire period. We pushed the time forward, longing for it to pass and for the good day to arrive. Blessed be Hashem, on that Erev Shabbos of Parashas Shelach I heard favorable news: the physician had told my wife that the child would now gain strength and vigor, for the food could at last affect him. So long as he had a fever, the food could not affect him, and they had also withheld food from him because of the fever.

In particular, the holy Shabbos was approaching, and it can have compassion. The merit of Shabbos is exceedingly great, and in its merit Hashem, may He be blessed, would grant a complete recovery and everything required. Through this we strengthened ourselves to receive Shabbos with joy. I also did not restrain myself from performing all our devotions. At the mikvah in honor of Shabbos I pleaded abundantly. I also continually performed the practice brought by Rabbainu, of blessed memory, in Sefer HaMidos: when one remains beneath the water until one can no longer breathe, a sweetening of judgments is effected.

After midday I likewise went to the Western Wall, for that is a favorable time and the light and sanctity of Shabbos already begin to shine. People say that on Erev Shabbos after midday the Patriarchs are present at the Western Wall.

In truth, they are always present there, for it is written in the Zohar: “In the place where the Patriarchs are, there is the Shechinah; and in the place where the Shechinah is, there are the Patriarchs”—where the Patriarchs are found, the Shechinah is likewise found, and where the Shechinah is found, the Patriarchs are likewise found. It is also said, “The Shechinah has never departed from the Western Wall.” The Patriarchs are therefore surely present there as well. I aroused mercy there and afterward also performed the lot and recited the names of the tzaddikim.

My wife, may she live, likewise aroused mercy for the child while fulfilling the mitzvah of challah and the mitzvah of kindling the Shabbos lamps. Prayer is more disposed to be accepted while one is performing mitzvos, as is brought in the sacred works. Afterward she went to the Western Wall to receive Shabbos and aroused mercy with weeping and supplication.

The children likewise pleaded for mercy, expressing their petitions in language they understood. In particular, my younger son, may his light shine, constantly pleaded with great intensity: “Master of the Universe, spare my brother Naftali ben Tzion and have mercy upon him, that he should soon have a complete recovery.” (In Yiddish: “Master of the Universe, have compassion upon my little brother Naftali ben Tzion, that he should soon have a complete recovery and be healthy.”) My son Aharon recited Tehillim. We thus received Shabbos with joy, also reciting “For the Conductor, a psalm of David: May Hashem answer you,” which is said for the sick. On the holy Shabbos we likewise increased our pleas that Hashem, may He be blessed, have mercy—during the prayers and dances, at the opening of the ark, which is a favorable time, during Bircas Kohanim, which is a favorable time, and during the Shabbos meals.

The night of the holy Shabbos passed over us with joy and with some respite from all the bitterness of that week. We also performed our devotions through the recitation of Shir HaShirim before the light of morning, “And on your New Moons,” Tehillim, and prayers; through the Vasikin service; and through going to the Western Wall for Mussaf. There I prolonged my recitation of the prayers, Tikkun Haklali, and hisbodedus.

Afterward came Kiddusha Rabbah and the morning meal, the meal of Atika Kadisha, and so forth, the zemiros, and so forth, and the recitation of Tehillim, and so forth. There followed the Shabbos Minchah prayer and the recitation of the prayer concerning the twenty-four forms of pidyon, for this is a favorable time. As is brought in the Zohar, Shabbos Minchah is “the time of favor.” Immediately on Motzaei Shabbos I again cast the lot and performed our devotions as always. On Sunday morning, after prayer, we performed our devotions as stated above through pleas for mercy and the sweetening of judgments, and so forth, until midday.

At midday we went to Hadassah Hospital to visit the child, expecting to see a change for the better. Yet after waiting downstairs and upstairs until we were admitted, we saw that the child showed no improvement whatsoever. On the contrary, his skin had shriveled upon him still more than before. From their register I learned that not only had he failed to gain weight, he had lost still more. Now that he no longer had a fever, why was he not gaining? On the contrary, he continued to lose weight each time. We could not understand this. Perhaps they were not giving him the food he required. In any event, this caused us great anguish, and our souls had already grown impatient to see him healthier.

As we walked back, we discussed what should be done. Perhaps, at long last, we should take him into our home and give him meat broth and other food, and so forth. Perhaps he also longed for us and his condition would improve when he was at home. We went to the tomb of Shimon HaTzaddik, may his merit protect us, amen, and poured out our conversation and our petitions at length, with bitterness of heart.

We encountered Rabbi David Yulis and his wife. They told us that they had finally resolved to take their child home. With great determination they had already prevailed upon Dr. Rabinowitz to consent, after giving him a written statement that they accepted responsibility. They had also promised him that they would bring the child to the Hadassah clinic every day for examination and would fulfill all his instructions.

When we heard this, our desire to take our child home intensified. Yet because we knew the poverty of our home, the child’s extreme weakness, and the great danger bound up with such a course, we did not know how to establish counsel within our souls. We asked my father-in-law, of blessed memory, what we should do, but he answered neither yes nor no. I likewise deliberated with Rabbi Avraham, may his light shine, and with other fellow Breslover Chassidim concerning what should be done. Yet who could presume to answer us that we should do one thing or the other?

The question of how to proceed was exceedingly bitter for us. If we left him in the hospital, we saw with our own eyes that he was steadily wasting away, and the power of our reason was too limited to wait and understand what the end of the matter would be. We possessed a strong hope that at home he would surely gain more strength and vigor. Yet when we considered the immense responsibility we would assume, how all the people would torment us, and the possibility that, God forbid, his condition might worsen with us, we did not know what to do. We continued our customary devotions through prayer and conversation, at the Western Wall as on every day, and likewise at night.