Chapter 88

I traveled to Rachel’s Tomb, for it was an early Erev Rosh Chodesh, since Rosh Chodesh Tammuz would fall on Shabbos. At Rachel’s Tomb I offered praise and thanksgiving to Hashem, may He be blessed, for the great kindness He had performed for us until then. I likewise increased prayer and petition concerning the future, for abundant mercy and kindness were still required because of the child’s extreme weakness and emaciation. I recited Tikkun Haklali and many prayers and engaged extensively in hisbodedus, as was customary on every Erev Rosh Chodesh. I also increased petition and prayer concerning the community, for we were in great distress and danger.

I also wished to travel to Chevron, as I had thought on the previous Erev Rosh Chodesh that, when Hashem, may He be blessed, helped us, we would travel to Chevron. Since we were obligated to supervise the child and his health, however, I was compelled to postpone the journey until another occasion. For that reason I also returned early from Rachel’s Tomb.

I traveled back from Rachel’s Tomb together with a certain God-fearing and devout man. He told me that he did not understand why people in Yerushalayim were not making the heavens tremble and pleading for mercy over the situation, which was dreadful. He related that he had heard from a man who had come from Egypt that there people were making the heavens tremble with pleas for mercy: men, women, and children were fasting and making the world tremble with pleas for mercy, prayer, and weeping because the situation was terrifying. He said to me, “Who knows whether next month we will still be able to travel to Rachel’s Tomb?”

I told him that we were compelled to look toward Hashem, may He be blessed, trusting that He would perform miracles and acts of kindness for us. In particular, I reflected that I had not believed at all that my son could live, since that appeared impossible, yet Hashem, may He be blessed, had helped. Likewise, although our general situation was terrifying, I nevertheless waited for Hashem, may He be blessed, for He could perform miracles and deliver us.

I returned home, and in the meantime my wife arrived with the child. We rejoiced together. I told her that we should fulfill our vow and make a Kiddush on that Shabbos with honey cake and kugel, as we had pledged in the hospital: when we took him home, we would make a Kiddush as is done when a male child is born. In particular, the corresponding Shabbos of the preceding year had been the Shabbos of his Shalom Zachar. He had been born on Monday, and on that Shabbos—which, like the present one, was Shabbos Rosh Chodesh Tammuz—we had made his Shalom Zachar Kiddush. Since Hashem, may He be blessed, had now helped us, it was regarded in our eyes quite literally as though he had been born anew. We would therefore again make the Kiddush on this Shabbos. Thus we did, and we prepared everything for the Kiddush.

During this twenty-four-hour period, however, the child grew progressively weaker. We almost regretted the Kiddush we had prepared. In view of his extreme weakness and illness, it was scarcely yet possible to believe that he would remain alive. What place was there for joy—to make a Kiddush and celebration over a child who was still so weak that his life hung by a hair? What would people say?

In truth, our neighbors saw our joy and the Kiddush we were preparing and were astonished. They said that it was fitting to weep over the child’s condition, for his state, weakness, and emaciation were worse than when we had brought him into the hospital. How could one make a celebration over such a child? They quite literally regarded us as madmen. We were not at all certain, God forbid, and I still did not believe that he would remain alive; my mind inclined far more toward the opposite, God forbid. We therefore had grave doubts whether to hold the Kiddush or not, even though we had already prepared and invited people.

Nevertheless, we strengthened our resolve. I said to my wife that we would believe and trust in Hashem, may He be blessed. We would borrow and obtain on credit for the Kiddush and the meal, trusting in Hashem, may He be blessed, that we would not be put to shame, God forbid. We resolved to proceed, and in the merit of this Hashem, may He be blessed, would help us completely. Thus we did on that Friday. My wife prepared a good, rich kugel. We likewise purchased small cakes, wine, and spirits, and prepared everything properly and fittingly.

Although that day brought us much anguish because of the child’s weakness and cough, because he did not wish to eat, and because it was difficult for us to feed him—he would quite literally faint from the agitation caused by our feeding him, becoming choked and overwhelmed—nevertheless, we did what lay within our power and prepared everything in honor of Shabbos.

I also went to Shimon HaTzaddik and afterward to the Western Wall. Blessed be Hashem, we received Shabbos with joy and expectation toward Hashem, may He be blessed. On that Friday night we rejoiced greatly over the gift that was present in our home on this Shabbos, something we had not expected at all on the preceding Shabbos. On the morning of the holy Shabbos I went to the mikvah, prayed Shacharis at Vasikin as was customary, and went to our beis midrash, where I heard the Torah reading. One of our fellow Breslover Chassidim, Mr. Yonah, was also present; he named a daughter who had been born to him in the hospital. After the service he invited our fellow Breslover Chassidim to a Kiddush.

I, too, invited them to a Kiddush. I could not prevail against Yonah, who insisted that everyone go to his home first. We went to him for Kiddush, and from there I brought our fellow Breslover Chassidim to my home. They walked together with me, and when we reached my home a table had been set with chairs; we had also borrowed chairs from the neighbors. I asked the aforementioned Yonah to send to my home for Kiddush every one of our fellow Breslover Chassidim who came to his Kiddush.

I likewise asked my friend Yaakov Zev that if he saw any of our fellow Breslover Chassidim at the Western Wall, where they had come to pray Mussaf as customary, he should invite them to come to my home for Kiddush. This indeed occurred. Blessed be Hashem, a great multitude of our fellow Breslover Chassidim, from the immediate area and from outside it, attended. We also invited our neighbors to the Kiddush and honored the guests with honey cake, kugel, wine, spirits, and so forth.

Before the assembled congregation I related the kindnesses Hashem, may He be blessed, had performed for us and how we had beheld His miracles and wonders eye to eye. I said that likewise, with respect to the community as a whole, we looked forward to the miracles and kindnesses of Hashem, may He be blessed, for we urgently required them at that time. We also studied from the works of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, sang, and danced joyfully. People continued to arrive throughout almost the entire day. Poor people likewise came, and we honored them with food and drink.

Afterward we ate the meal of the holy Shabbos. I went to the Western Wall, recited Tikkun Haklali and prayers as on every Shabbos, and prayed Minchah there. I performed my devotions on that Shabbos through the study of the works of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, prayer, and hisbodedus. I went to our beis midrash for the third meal. Thus, blessed be Hashem, that Shabbos passed over us with renewed strength and joy.