Chapter 99

For several months during that period I had been aroused to labor in and examine the kabbalistic works of the Arizal, of blessed memory, and his disciples. For several months, examining them constituted almost my entire day’s work. I went through all the works I possessed and made references and signs for everything required for practical service: for the prayerbook I intended to print, and for the works of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, with respect to arousal and repentance. In truth, these are great works of mussar, as Rabbainu, of blessed memory, said of the work Eitz Chaim that it is an immense work of mussar, and so forth—“What a precious work of mussar it is”—as is brought in Chayay Moharan.

At that time I was in the midst of this work and showed it to Rabbi Yom Tov. He was my beloved friend and yearned to benefit the many and disseminate the knowledge of Rabbainu, of blessed memory. I spoke with him and showed him how I, too, had been aroused by the greatness of the Creator, may He be blessed, which one sees there through the countless thousands of worlds that exist.

As is brought in Chayay Moharan, Moharanat, of blessed memory, told Rabbainu, of blessed memory, that he had seen in the works of the kabbalists that there are worlds above Atzilus, whereas he had thought that nothing existed above Atzilus. Rabbainu answered him: “How can one set a limit to the greatness of the Creator, which extends to infinity?” and so forth. Precisely this occurs when one examines the sacred works of the Arizal, of blessed memory: one beholds the greatness of the Creator, height above height, without end, and so forth.

We were exceedingly moved by this. I showed him my aforementioned work: I was preparing to gather from all the writings of the Arizal, of blessed memory, and the works of the kabbalists everything pertaining to the service of Hashem in practical conduct, or to arousal and repentance. He derived great pleasure from this. He then spoke of his desires and yearnings: how to infuse the vitality of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, into the gathering in Shaarei Chesed; how to disseminate Rabbainu’s knowledge throughout the world; and how he wished me to come every day to study for an hour with the young men in order to draw them close to Rabbainu, of blessed memory.

We spoke in this manner for several hours. I told him that since it was then Bein HaMetzarim, close to Tishah BeAv, the principal obligation during these days was for a person to contemplate his own condition and mourn personally over the destruction of his Beis HaMikdash and sanctuary—namely, his mind and heart—to recognize what required consolation, to mourn truly, and to cry out and plead truly from the depth of the heart before Hashem, may He be blessed: “Return us.”

For these days are days of gestation, after which one merits a holy birth—to give birth to and bring into effect the sacred acts one wishes to accomplish. Moreover, during these days my mind was occupied almost exclusively with mourning the destruction of the Beis HaMikdash. This was especially so before I recited Tikkun Chatzos at midday, when my mind could not tolerate occupying itself with any other matter. Only after Tishah BeAv would we be able to devise plans for undertaking sacred activities. We then took leave of one another in friendship.

I immediately prepared myself to go and recite Tikkun Chatzos at the Western Wall, as on every day of Bein HaMetzarim. This was especially significant because it was the last day on which Tikkun Chatzos is recited by day; on Erev Tishah BeAv it is not recited at midday. I had to labor to contemplate properly, to feel my own anguish and deficiency and likewise the general destruction of the Beis HaMikdash, so that I could lament fittingly.

I had already become joyful from the aforementioned vitality and devotions connected with Rabbainu, of blessed memory, to such an extent that I had to labor to compel myself to mourn. I went to the Western Wall with arousal. They had already recited Tikkun Chatzos there, but I recited it as well, with still greater arousal and weeping than on the other days. I remained there for several hours, reciting Tikkun Shalosh Mishmaros, the prayer for Bein HaMetzarim—Prayer 33 in Part II of Likutay Tefilos—the prayer for Tishah BeAv, and other prayers of this kind.

We embittered ourselves with weeping, longing, and yearning. The kinnos address the teiku—the unresolved doubts through which we do not know how to establish counsel within our souls concerning how to draw close to Hashem, may He be blessed, and how to emerge from the exile and afflictions of our souls. Over this one needs kinnos: to lament and cry out to Hashem, may He be blessed. Through this one merits that the kinnos be transformed into tikkun—rectification.

For Hashem, may He be blessed, renews one’s intellect and understanding so that one knows how to merit drawing close to Him and His service. Ultimately, precisely through this, we will merit beholding the consolation and joy of Tzion and Yerushalayim, for one who does not mourn for Yerushalayim does not behold its joy. We surely prolonged our devotions more on that day, for it was the final midday Tikkun Chatzos and Tishah BeAv was closer, so that the mourning was more perceptible. Thus that day, too, passed. On the following day, Erev Tishah BeAv, the mourning and anguish were surely still more perceptible in the heart, for this bitter day was approaching—and it is surely the bitterest day of the entire year.

Immediately after prayer I hurried to complete my regular studies and likewise recite Tehillim. I also went to the Western Wall before midday and recited Tikkun Haklali and prayers and engaged in hisbodedus. From midday onward it is already forbidden, as on Tishah BeAv itself, to study anything except subjects that sadden a person.

On that day I was surely sorrowful and in a state of mourning within my heart, prepared to pour out my heart, conversation, and anguish. I spoke almost to no one, so that the anguish and mourning should not be dissipated from my heart. Indeed, on every day of Bein HaMetzarim, apart from Erev Shabbos, Shabbos, and Rosh Chodesh, I scarcely spoke and did not permit the anguish to be dissipated from my heart until after I had mourned at midday with weeping and poured out my conversation and heart before Hashem, may He be blessed. Only afterward would I be consoled somewhat, and so forth.

This was especially so from midday on Erev Tishah BeAv until after midday on Tishah BeAv. Throughout that period I spoke to almost no person and permitted no other thought to enter my heart or mind apart from the sensation of anguish, mourning, and lamentation. I studied and contemplated subjects concerning the destruction that aroused weeping and lamentation. Until the onset of Tishah BeAv that evening, I merely lamented within the heart but did not yet conduct myself as an actual mourner.

On the night of Tishah BeAv, however, I began actually mourning and lamenting with weeping and wailing—at night during the kinnos and likewise by day. Precisely when I attempted to relieve my anguish and console myself, I was aroused to still greater weeping, until I quite literally lacked the strength to cry and was compelled to stop and begin consoling myself, and so forth.

It is known that after the passing of Rabbainu, of blessed memory, Moharanat, of righteous and blessed memory, would recite Tikkun Chatzos every year during Bein HaMetzarim in a deep cellar so that his voice would not be heard. There he would cry out and weep his entire heart—until he cooled and relieved his heart. Particularly from midday on Erev Tishah BeAv until midday on Tishah BeAv, he would remain confined and locked in a deep cellar. Throughout that entire period he would cry out and weep until he had cooled and relieved his heart—until he would behold Rabbainu, of blessed memory, and was then consoled, and so forth. At the very least, it was proper for me to remain in mourning throughout this entire twenty-four-hour period without speaking.