Segment 1
רָצִיתִי לָקַחַת אֶת הַסֵּפֶר וְלִסְגֹּר וּלְהַחֲזִיר אֶת הַסֵּפֶר לְהָאָרוֹן, "לֹא מָצָאתִי רְפוּאָה, אָז מַה לַּעֲשׂוֹת?" טֶרֶם שֶׁסָּגַרְתִּי אֶת הַסֵּפֶר הִבְחַנְתִּי וְרָאִיתִי שֶׁיֵּשׁ שׁוּרוֹת כְּתוּבוֹת עַל הַנְּיָר...
A group of people came to Yerushalayim to see the holy Petek [the miraculous note sent by Rabbenu to Yisroel Saba] and to hear its story from Rabbi Yisroel himself…
Segment 2
רַק הִתְחַלְתִּי לִקְרֹא, וְתֵכֶף רָאִיתִי מַה שֶּׁזֶּה, שֶׁזֶּה פֶּלֶא מַה שֶּׁלֹּא הָיָה מֵעוֹלָם!
The event was in the year 5682 [1922], and for sixty years it was entirely in secret. Only my children did I tell of the matter — and also there were a few rare chosen ones who were holy tzadikim and friends of mine, like Rav Shlomo Wexler — I told them and they received it. How is it possible to receive this? It is far, far above nature. Nu — and they received it.
Segment 3
הִתְחַלְתִּי לִקְרֹא וְרָאִיתִי מַה שֶּׁכָּתוּב, "תַּלְמִידִי הַיָּקָר.." וְקָרָאתִי וְקָרָאתִי אוֹתוֹ עַד שֶׁגָּמַרְתִּי לִקְרֹא אֶת הַמִּכְתָּב כֻּלּוֹ עַד הַסּוֹף, וְכָל דִּבּוּר וְדִבּוּר שֶׁקָּרָאתִי.. נִכְנַס בִּי, הִרְגַּשְׁתִּי וְרָאִיתִי פְּלָאוֹת כָּאֵלֶּה שֶׁאִי אֶפְשָׁר לְסַפֵּר. כְּמוֹ שֶׁהָיִיתִי מִקֹּדֶם בְּעַצְבוּת כָּזֶה - כָּכָה קִבַּלְתִּי שִׂמְחָה מִזֶּה הַפֶּתֶק, שִׂמְחָה כָּזֶה שֶׁהָעַצְבוּת לֹא הָיָה לָהּ שׁוּם עֶרֶךְ נֶגֶד הַשִּׂמְחָה. לֹא רוֹאִים שִׂמְחָה כָּזוֹ בָּעוֹלָם הַזֶּה, רַק בָּעוֹלָם הַבָּא. שִׂמְחָה כָּזוֹ שֶׁאֵין בָּעוֹלָם הַזֶּה שִׂמְחָה כָּזוֹ!
The matter was — I must tell it briefly, in summary. Such a thing happened: this was two and a half years after Rabbi Yisroel Kardoner had passed away. I stumbled, I stumbled and fell. This was on the seventeenth of Tammuz — the severe fast of the four fasts, before Tisha B'Av, the time of the destruction. And I was accustomed to fast on all the fasts, every Monday and Thursday, every Erev Rosh Chodesh. And I also fasted every single day — from midnight until after the prayer I did not taste even water, as my holy teacher Rabbi Yisroel Kardoner had practiced. I saw that even in the month of Av, beyond the fasts of the Shulchan Aruch, Rabbi Yisroel would fast. And I also — I was with Rabbi Yisroel and did likewise, being careful regarding every fast. Yet specifically on the seventeenth of Tammuz — the most severe of the four fasts — I stumbled and fell.
Segment 4
וְהִתְחַלְתִּי לְנַגֵּן נִגּוּנִים כָּאֵלֶּה שֶׁל שִׂמְחָה וְלִרְקֹד וְלִמְחֹאת כַּפַּיִם, פָּנִים כָּאֵלֶּה שֶׁל שִׂמְחָה.. וְכֻלָּם, כָּל בְּנֵי-הַיְשִׁיבָה, שָׁמְעוּ שֶׁאֲנִי נַעֲשֵׂיתִי שָׂמֵחַ. וְהֵם לָמְדוּ בַּיְשִׁיבָה וְאָמְרוּ: "הוֹ, הַמְשֻׁגָּע נַעֲשָׂה שָׂמֵחַ", הֵם אָמְרוּ שֶׁיִּשְׂרָאֵל בֶּער כְּבָר הוּא בְּסֵדֶר גָּמוּר, אַחֲרֵי עַצְבוּת כָּזֶה הוּא בְּשִׂמְחָה כָּזֶה, אָז הוּא מְשֻׁגָּע לְכָל יְמֵי חַיָּיו, "יֵשׁ גּוּשְׁפַּנְקָא - הוּא מְשֻׁגָּע! לֹא יַעֲזֹר לוֹ שׁוּם בֵּית-חוֹלִים וְלֹא שׁוּם רְפוּאָה".
The seventeenth of Tammuz arrived and it seemed to me I was not feeling well — that I was obligated to break the fast. I felt weak and not quite right — but not, G-d forbid, in a severe way. Then the Ba'al Davar overpowered me in the morning on the seventeenth of Tammuz: "You are very weak — you must eat. Now! Before the prayer!"
Segment 5
אָז נִכְנַסְתִּי לַחֶדֶר וְהִתְחַלְתִּי לִרְקֹד בַּחֶדֶר שֶׁלִּי, וְכֻלָּם נִכְנְסוּ לַחֶדֶר שֶׁלִּי וְרָאוּ דָּבָר כָּזֶה שֶׁאֲנִי מְרַקֵּד וְשָׂמֵחַ, אֲנִי לֹא שׁוֹאֵל אוֹתָם, אֲנִי מְרַקֵּד וְשָׂמֵחַ כָּזֶה, הֵם נִתְבַּטְּלוּ. אָז הֵם רָאוּ אֶת הָרִקּוּדִים וְהַשִּׂמְחָה, הֵם הוֹצִיאוּ אוֹתִי מֵהַחֶדֶר לְהֶחָצֵר וְעָשׂוּ כָּל בְּנֵי-הַיְשִׁיבָה עִגּוּל, וַאֲנִי הָיִיתִי בָּאֶמְצַע וְרָקַדְתִּי. וְכֻלָּם שָׂמְחוּ כָּל-כָּךְ וְכֻלָּם הִתְלוֹצְצוּ מִמֶּנִּי, "הַמְשֻׁגָּע הוּא מְרַקֵּד.."
In any case, however it may have been — I am ashamed to tell everything. I had neither eaten nor drunk from midnight until after the prayer. And now the Ba'al Davar came to me saying: "You must eat before the prayer — you are so weak."
Segment 6
טוֹב, הֵם עָמְדוּ זְמַן רַב, הֵם עָמְדוּ כַּמָּה שָׁעוֹת עַד קָרוֹב לַחֲצוֹת לַיְלָה וְהֵם נַעֲשׂוּ עֲיֵפִים, אָז אָמְרוּ: "הוּא לֹא נַעֲשֶׂה עָיֵף, הוּא יְעַיֵּף אוֹתָנוּ, אֲנַחְנוּ עֲיֵפִים יְגֵעִים כְּבָר, אֲנַחְנוּ לֹא יְכוֹלִים לַעֲמֹד, אֵין לָנוּ כֹּחַ יוֹתֵר, צְרִיכִים לִישֹׁן", אָז הֵם הָלְכוּ וַאֲנִי נִשְׁאַרְתִּי כִּמְעַט כָּל הַלַּיְלָה וְרָקַדְתִּי לְבַדִּי...
I could not overcome it. I listened to him — I did not want to, but I ate…
Segment 7
אֲנִי קִבַּלְתִּי חֹתָם שֶׁל שִׁגָּעוֹן, שֶׁל מְשֻׁגָּע, אָז בְּיוֹם חֲמִישִׁי נִכְנְסוּ כָּל הַיְשִׁיבָה לָעִיר, כָּל אֶחָד לַבֵּית-כְּנֶסֶת שֶׁלּוֹ, וְסִפְּרוּ בְּשׂוֹרָה טוֹבָה, הֵם הוֹצִיאוּ עָלַי קוֹל בְּכָל הָעִיר שֶׁ"הַבְּרֶסְלֵב נַעֲשָׂה מְשֻׁגָּע, אֲבָל מְשֻׁגָּע כָּזֶה שֶׁאֵין כָּמוֹהוּ, לֹא יִהְיֶה לוֹ שׁוּם תְּרוּפָה!" עַל-כָּל-פָּנִים קִבַּלְתִּי שֵׁם בְּכָל הָעִיר שֶׁיִּשְׂרָאֵל בֶּער הַבְּרֶסְלֶבֶר נַעֲשָׂה מְשֻׁגָּע. וְהַדַּיָּן הָלַךְ לְהִתְפַּלֵּל מִנְחָה, אָז הוּא שָׁמַע שֶׁכֻּלָּם אוֹמְרִים שֶׁיִּשְׂרָאֵל בֶּער הַבְּרֶסְלְבֶר נַעֲשָׂה מְשֻׁגָּע כָּזֶה. הֵם סִפְּרוּ עַל הָעַצְבוּת וְהַשִּׂמְחָה, הֵם לֹא יוֹדְעִים מַה זֶּה עַצְבוּת וּמַה זֶּה שִׂמְחָה, אֲבָל הֵם סִפְּרוּ שֶׁנַּעֲשֵׂיתִי מְשֻׁגָּע כָּזֶה. וַאֲנִי הָיִיתִי שָׁכֵן שֶׁל הַדַּיָּן כְּמוֹ חֶדֶר עַל-יַד חֶדֶר, הוּא נָתַן לִי אֶת הַחֶדֶר, הוּא נָתַן לִי הַכֹּל. אָז הוּא הָיָה לוֹ צַעַר גָּדוֹל, אֲנִי הָיִיתִי אִתּוֹ בְּיַחַד בְּאַהֲבָה גְּדוֹלָה כְּמוֹ אַבָּא וּבֵן, הוּא אָהַב אוֹתִי כְּמוֹ בֵּן יָחִיד, הָיָה לוֹ שְׁתֵּי בָּנוֹת וַאֲנִי הָיִיתִי הַבֵּן הַשְּׁלִישִׁי, וַאֲנִי הָיִיתִי יוֹתֵר חָבִיב אֶצְלוֹ מֵהַבָּנוֹת שֶׁלּוֹ!
Nu — I ate. But it was like eating, G-d forbid, harmful things. I ate — but as if without hands and feet. In any case I stumbled. A fall — I fell greatly and ate in the morning. After eating I recited the blessing after meals, went to the mikveh, and prayed after the meal. Nu — one can imagine how the prayer was and in what state I was after such a thing — eating before the prayer.
Segment 8
בְּנֵי-יְשִׁיבָה הִרְגִּישׁוּ אֶת זֶה, הֵם יָדְעוּ שֶׁהוּא אוֹהֵב אוֹתִי, אֲבָל אַחַר-כָּךְ שֶׁנַּעֲשֵׂיתִי בְּרֶסְלֵב וְהוּא הָיָה מִתְנַגֵּד וְהוּא אָמַר לִי: "תִּזָּהֵר מְאֹד, בְּרֶסְלֵב - לֹא!" וַאֲנִי לֹא שָׁמַעְתִּי לוֹ, אֲבָל אַף-עַל-פִּי-כֵן הָאַהֲבָה בֵּינֵינוּ לֹא נִתְקַלְקְלָה, וְאַף-עַל-פִּי שֶׁהוּא הָיָה מִתְנַגֵּד הָיָה לוֹ צַעַר גָּדוֹל, "חֲבָל, יִשְׂרָאֵל בֶּער נַעֲשָׂה מְשֻׁגָּע". אָז הוּא הָיָה דּוֹאֵג מְאֹד, "אָסוֹן כָּזֶה.. נַעֲשָׂה מְשֻׁגָּע".
This weighed upon me and I had great pain. I did not want to live — I nearly left my mind. I was very broken and fell into such sadness that I could not speak or show my face to people. I just lay down and said nothing. I fell into such sadness… that no one could look at my face from the greatness of the fear — everyone who saw me was overcome with fear!
Segment 9
אָז הַדַּיָּן שָׁמַע אֶת זֶה וְכֻלָּם מְסַפְּרִים כָּךְ וְ"עַל פִּי שְׁנַיִם עֵדִים יָקוּם דָּבָר", אָז הָיָה לוֹ צַעַר גָּדוֹל, הוּא חָשַׁב: "יִשְׂרָאֵל בֶּער לֹא רָצָה לִשְׁמֹעַ לִי אָז הוּא נַעֲשָׂה מְשֻׁגָּע, מָה עוֹשִׂים עַכְשָׁו?" אָז הוּא הָלַךְ הַבַּיְתָה לִרְאוֹת אֶת הַ'מְשֻׁגָּע', לִרְאוֹת אֵיךְ הַמַּצָּב, לְדַבֵּר אִתִּי. וְהוּא נִכְנַס אֵלַי בְּפַחַד שֶׁלֹּא אַכֶּה אוֹתוֹ, מְשֻׁגָּע יָכוֹל גַּם-כֵּן לְהַכּוֹת. אָז הוּא נִכְנַס וְהִתְחִיל לְדַבֵּר אִתִּי, וְדִבַּרְתִּי אִתּוֹ, וְהוּא הִרְגִּישׁ וְרָאָה שֶׁאֲנִי לֹא מְשֻׁגָּע!
I went to the yeshiva and lay in the synagogue — it was both a yeshiva and a synagogue. I lay in the synagogue like a dead man for five days. At home I was on Friday and Shabbos; in the yeshiva I was Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday — with two days that is six days. I lay like a dead man — not speaking, not eating. I only prayed; I did not eat, did not speak. I was like a dead man!
Segment 10
אָז הוּא רָאָה בָּעֵינַיִם וְהוּא הֵבִין וְרָאָה בְּבֵרוּר גָּמוּר שֶׁאֲנִי לֹא מְשֻׁגָּע אֲפִלּוּ אִם יִהְיֶה מֵאָה עֵדִים. אָז הוּא מְסַפֵּר לִי שֶׁבְּכָל הָעִיר קִבַּלְתִּי שֵׁם שֶׁל מְשֻׁגָּע, "אֲנִי רוֹצֶה לָדַעַת, כֻּלָּם מְסַפְּרִים שֶׁאַתָּה מְשֻׁגָּע, הָיִיתָ בְּעַצְבוּת כָּזֶה וְאַחַר-כָּךְ שִׂמְחָה כָּזֶה, אֲנִי רוֹאֶה שֶׁאַתָּה לֹא מְשֻׁגָּע, תְּסַפֵּר לִי כָּל הַמַּעֲשֶׂה מֵהָעַצְבוּת וְהַשִּׂמְחָה, מַה קָּרָה, מַה זֶּה הָיָה אִתְּךָ!"
On Wednesday evening — it was already the 23rd of Tammuz — a thought entered me. I wept to Hashem to heal me, to remove the sadness from me — when I heard that all the yeshiva students were mocking and saying that Yisroel Ber the Breslover had become ill and gone mad. All of them — the whole city of Teveriah — were opponents. This was a synagogue with yeshiva students. Anyone who entered the synagogue saw Yisroel Ber lying in such sadness. They were accustomed to me always dancing and joyful. And it was hard for them: "How is Yisroel Ber joyful — from what is he joyful? He has no livelihood, no bread for the children." So they thought: "Now this is not the Yisroel Ber who was — this is Yisroel Ber gone mad. And this is the end of all the Breslovers. Because they walk at midnight to fields and forests and sometimes are frightened by some dog, some animal, some gentile — and in the end they go mad. Yes — this is their end."
Segment 11
אָז סִפַּרְתִּי לוֹ אֶת הַמַּעֲשֶׂה שֶׁל שִׁבְעָה עָשָׂר בְּתַמֻּז, מַה שֶּׁהָיָה, וְהֶרְאֵיתִי לוֹ שֶׁהוֹצֵאתִי מֵהָאָרוֹן סֵפֶר וְהָיָה שָׁמָּה חֲתִיכַת נְיָר וְזֶהוּ הַחֲתִיכַת נְיָר.
Everyone wanted to distance themselves from me and said I had lost my mind — I was already mad. And I was in terrible sadness. And the fact that they were saying such things about Breslov — from this I had yet immeasurably more sadness, because I felt I was the cause of all this, that they were speaking so. I thought: "What is this — such sadness?! Even if one transgresses the entire Torah — but to be in such sadness?! I did a sin, but one can do teshuvah. What is this depression?!"
Segment 12
הוּא שָׁמַע כָּל הַמַּעֲשֶׂה, וְקָרָא אֶת הַנְּיָר, אָז הוּא הִתְחִיל לִצְחֹק צְחוֹק כָּזֶה שֶׁלֹּא רוֹאִים בָּעוֹלָם צְחוֹק כָּזֶה, בְּקוֹלוֹת כָּאֵלּוּ, בִּצְחוֹק כָּזֶה שֶׁהָיָה לוֹ נֵס, הוּא הֶחֱזִיק אֶת הַמֵּעַיִם שֶׁלּוֹ שֶׁלֹּא יֵצְאוּ מִגֹּדֶל הַצְּחוֹק...
I had great pain. I fell into a sickness of the soul — I was in depression. It was very hard for me and I did not want to live…
Segment 13
הוּא הָיָה אִישׁ קָדוֹשׁ, לַמְדָּן גָּדוֹל וִירֵא שָׁמַיִם, וְהוּא לֹא צָחַק שׁוּם פַּעַם, אֲנִי הָיִיתִי כַּמָּה שָׁנִים בְּבֵיתוֹ כְּמוֹ בַּבַּיִת שֶׁלִּי וְלֹא רָאִיתִי אַף פַּעַם שֶׁהוּא צוֹחֵק. יֵשׁ לוֹ בָּנוֹת וּמְסַפְּרִים אֵיזֶה דָּבָר, אֲבָל לֹא רָאִיתִי אוֹתוֹ צוֹחֵק. וְהוּא שָׁמַע אֶת הַמַּעֲשֶׂה הַזּוֹ.. הִתְחִיל לִצְחֹק צְחוֹק כָּזֶה שֶׁשָּׁמְעוּ אֲפִלּוּ כָּל הַשְּׁכֵנִים אֶת הַצְּחוֹק. וְשָׂרָה, הַבַּת שֶׁלּוֹ, הִיא גָּרָה אַחֲרֵי הַחֲתוּנָה גַּם-כֵּן בִּשְׁכֵנוּת וְהִיא שָׁמְעָה אֶת הָאַבָּא שֶׁלָּה צוֹחֵק, הִיא הִכִּירָה אֶת הַקּוֹל שֶׁלּוֹ, הִיא לֹא הֵבִינָה, הִיא לֹא שָׁמְעָה כָּל יְמֵי חַיֶּיהָ שֶׁהָאַבָּא שֶׁלָּה יִצְחַק. אָז הִיא בָּאָה עַל הַדֶּלֶת וְהוּא הָיָה מַחֲזִיק אֶת הַמֵּעַיִם שֶׁלֹּא יֵצְאוּ מִגֹּדֶל הַצְּחוֹק, וְהִיא עָמְדָה וְרָאֲתָה, אָז הִיא אָמְרָה: "אַבָּא, תַּפְסִיק, מַה זֶּה אִתְּךָ, אַתָּה יָכוֹל לָמוּת. מֵעוֹלָם לֹא רָאִיתִי צְחוֹק מִמְּךָ, מַה זֶּה, מַה קָּרָה?" אָז הוּא צָחַק עוֹד יוֹתֵר, הוּא רָאָה שֶׁהוּא בְּסַכָּנָה, הָיָה יָכוֹל לָצֵאת כָּל הַבֶּטֶן, הוּא לֹא הָיָה יָכוֹל לְדַבֵּר, אָז הוּא הֶרְאָה לָהּ עִם הַיָּד שֶׁתֵּלֵךְ, "אִם הִיא תַּעֲמֹד כָּךְ וּתְדַבֵּר עוֹד, אֲנִי יָכוֹל לִצְחֹק יוֹתֵר. לְכִי, לְכִי.."
In short — everyone mocked me. And I was studying at the yeshiva of Rabbi Meir Ba'al HaNes in Teveriah. I went to the tziyun of Rabbi Meir Ba'al HaNes at midday and said to Rabbi Meir Ba'al HaNes: "Everyone mocks me and I do not know what to do — how to do teshuvah. I stumbled and fell and have no counsel at all for how to do teshuvah. How does one do such a thing and not be ashamed — on a fast that all of Israel accepted as a fast in the Talmud and in law? And I stumbled, fell, and ate before the prayer." I was so ashamed and fallen — I found no place to live, no way to act. "What have I done!" I could have died from the enormity of the shame, the enormity of the fall…
Segment 14
וְהִיא הֵבִינָה שֶׁהוּא לֹא יָכוֹל לְדַבֵּר וְהוּא בְּסַכָּנָה, אָז הִיא הָלְכָה וְהִפְסִיקָה לִשְׁאֹל, הָלְכָה...
In any case I had great pain and also could not serve Hashem. I was in darkness — in such sadness that it was as if one leaves one's mind. I was a sick soul, deeply depressed, and I wept to Hashem about the fact that I was causing desecration of G-d's Name, disgrace for Breslov. I did hisbodidus and prayed and wept before Hashem in the synagogue that He have mercy and heal me, take from me the depression, the sadness, the illness. That the opponents could not say such things about Breslov Chassidim — and that there should be no desecration of G-d's Name. "Master of the Universe — see my situation. True — I ate, I did what I did. But I want teshuvah. Heal me and take me out of this state, from this sadness — because I am causing desecration of G-d's Name to Breslov. Master of the Universe — heal me so I can emerge from the sadness…"
Segment 15
אוֹי, צְחוֹק כָּזֶה לֹא שָׁמַעְתִּי עַד עַכְשָׁו, עוֹד לֹא שָׁמַעְתִּי צְחוֹק כָּזֶה. וְהוּא הָיָה מִתְנַגֵּד גָּדוֹל, אָז הוּא אָמַר לִי: "יִשְׂרָאֵל בֶּער, אַתָּה מַאֲמִין שֶׁזֶּה נָפַל מִן הַשָּׁמַיִם? מָה אַתָּה חוֹשֵׁב?"
I was in the synagogue and my room was adjacent to it. Perhaps I dozed off — and there entered me a compelling thought, as if something entered my very head, inside my mind, and the thought forcefully told me: "Enter your room and open the bookcase and put your hand on whatever book it may be. Do not aim for any particular book — just place your hand on a book and take it out. Open it wherever it opens… and there you will find good things by which you can revive yourself. There you will find healing for your soul!"
Segment 16
אָמַרְתִּי לוֹ: "כֵּן".
I wanted healing, I had prayed — so I thought: "Is this thought of mine something serious? Fine — in any case what do I have to lose? I will do it and we shall see what comes of this."
Segment 17
אָמַר לִי: "אִם-כֵּן, אֲנִי אַרְאֶה לְךָ שֶׁאַתָּה טוֹעֶה! אֲנִי אַרְאֶה לְךָ מִי שֶׁכָּתַב אֶת זֶה".
I wanted healing, I had prayed — so I thought: "Is this thought of mine something serious? Fine — in any case what do I have to lose? I will do it and we shall see what comes of this."
I did so. I entered from the synagogue to my room, opened the bookcase, and did as I was told. I put my hand on some book — it was the Likutay Halachos Part One of Rav Noson. I took it out and opened it. And there was this Petek…