PART ONE Stories of Childhood and Youth & The Coming-Close to Rebbe Nachman of Breslov

Rabbi Yisroel chants in an arousing melody:

"Bring near the day, bring near the day,

which is neither day nor night..."

A very wondrous and awesome story, for one who truly pays attention. And so I said that it is very fitting and important to tell and record everything that passed over me from the day I came to awareness, because from when I came to awareness until I merited to draw close to our holy Rabbainu, it is one matter. Then was the beginning, and now this is the continuation.

Hashem Yisborach graced me and gave me such a soul that from the day I came to awareness, when I was still a small child, my heart burned very greatly for the service of Hashem — to merit fear of Heaven and faith, and to merit everything: to love Hashem Yisborach and to fear Him.

The essence of my yearning and all my desires was to cleanse myself from all the lusts of this world and only to serve Hashem. Even though I was a small child and knew nothing, the soul yearned greatly, with desires for self-sacrifice, and my heart burned only for the service of Hashem — not to be occupied with any trade or work.

I remember everything; I still remember from when I was a child.

All the days of my life I was a poor child. We had nothing to eat — not on the festivals and not on Shabbos. We had no meat — Shabbos without meat; there were fish, and from those fish we lived. Our mother knew how to cook, and her foods were better than every kind of meat, and there was joy in the house!

My father was a great pauper all his days, and afterwards, when he was forty years old, he became blind in both eyes. My mother accepted this with love, and I was still a child, a small child.

Oy vay, Master of the World...

And I had yearnings to afflict my soul already at the age of seven or eight, and to make fasts on Erev Rosh Chodesh, in the month of Elul, and during the days of repentance. For example, on Erev Rosh Chodesh I wanted to fast, and my mother was a very devoted mother and she had very great pain: "What is with you? You are still a small child — what, you will make a fast?"

So I refused to listen to her, and I made a fast every Erev Rosh Chodesh for half the day, but in the month of Elul for the entire day. And I caused my mother great pain over this.

Mother's milk finished, so I reached out for it... [wanting] to nurse the milk. So she said to me, "You are already big. Are you not embarrassed? What is this with you?" So I started to cry — "I want the da'as [knowledge, intellect]!" Also, I remember — I was two years old [at another time] — I was very sick, and I had a war with the angel of death. I felt like I was about to die, as a child younger than ten. In any event, I was very ill and became very weak, because for someone who is sick, it is necessary to give him something to bring life to his soul. Milk — she gave me milk with water... So I said: "Give me milk!" But she didn't have, so I said to her: "You give me milk with water?! I want only milk!"

In any event, afterwards my condition improved, so I said to my mother: "I am very weak, I need a little meat with soup." She gave me three coins — the equivalent of today's three groshen — I went to the Shafer Hotel, where the mother of Yisroel Shafer [the Saba's son-in-law] was. She was a good cook, yes. She [mother] gave me three groshen to buy soup with a piece of meat, a piece of chicken. Nu, nu — I tasted the soup. I had not tasted soup at home in a long time due to the dire poverty. I felt a good taste, yes. But H"Y returned my soul to me through miracles — I saw this many times, miracles, miracles — H"Y showed me that He gives to me [so that I should] live. Yes. (So this healed you?)

Yes, but she gave me only a little — maybe two or three times. I needed [it] many times, a week or two weeks. I am living by a miracle. There was dire poverty, and they [my parents] accepted everything with love and happiness, Father and Mother... yes.

(You said that your mother would give you, for cheder [Torah school], a drop of oil on the bread?) Yes. Yes. With a few drops. So I asked for "a few more drops." So she told me, "What?" — she screamed at me — "I need the oil for Shabbos! Do not speak at all — that's enough!" Afterwards I went and gave the bread with the drops of oil to a poor man. There was in Tiberias an elderly couple, a man and a woman, and he would go around begging. So I wanted to do charity and kindness [tzedakah and chesed]. I took the bread — I didn't have money — I took the bread which my mother gave me, and I went to the old man, this Jew, and I gave it to him. His name was Yosef Noach — that was his name — because I remember to this day his name: Yosef Noach, two names. This was after Sukkos, and after [the Torah portion of] Bereishis came the Torah portion Noach, and on Sunday I went and joyously gave him the bread with the drops of olive oil. I thought that I had done a great act of charity — he and his wife would eat. Yes.

I went to cheder [Torah school], and I had nothing to eat, because I had given away the bread, yes. So I got a bad headache — I needed to eat but I didn't have. So the teacher, his practice was that on Sunday he would tell the students: "This week's Torah portion is Noach." Yes, he repeated this many times, in order that they should know that this week is the Torah portion Noach. He looked at all the students, and he detected that I was not listening at all — as if I wasn't in school — I don't hear at all, and do not know whatsoever. So he left me, and then he called upon me: "Yisroel Ber! Tell me, which Torah portion is this week?" And I didn't know and didn't hear — only my head hurt me, that's all I knew — and I didn't hear at all what he said!

Nu, nu... he hit me with such cruelty: "What's this?! I say many times that this week's Torah portion is Noach — where were you?! You do not hear?! What is this?! Where were you?! Am I straining my throat for nothing?!" He hit me, and I was embarrassed in front of all the students. He wanted them all to see and be afraid. The shame was impossible to describe — he hit me so much, with such cruelty. (How old were you?) Young. (Five, six?) Yes, approximately — beginning to learn the Chumash [Five Books of Moses], the portion Noach. I said [to myself]: from now on I will no longer give away the bread — if I give away the bread I will receive a beating. I will not give and I will not receive blows, and I will know that the weekly Torah portion is the portion Noach. Even still, I gave the bread another time to this pauper.

This was, for me, all of Judaism. All that I heard regarding spirituality, regarding faith, regarding the Torah — I received it; I received new knowledge that had not appeared before. I did not know [about] H"Y, [about] the Torah. I hear that there is Torah and H"Y — so there was within me great happiness... I was the worst of all the children, the worst. I was born into poverty and I was also a weak child. Yes — I have miracles that I am alive, that I was able to live...

He wanted to know which children were good and which children were not good. So he suddenly left me, moved on — he asked this child: "Say, which Torah portion is this week?" But when he knew the portion — "Portion of Noach!" — ho, ho — then he was already a good child. But there were children who didn't remember; it needed time for them to remind themselves — "Portion of Noach!" Suddenly he came to me: "What is the weekly Torah portion?" I didn't know anything — as if I wasn't in this world, yes, in a different tribunal entirely. Nu, he is expectant, he is waiting, he is expectant — maybe I will remember... Me? "What is this" — doesn't know anything! Noach, Noach? So he waited and waited for an answer and there was no answer — [I] do not know. So he asks me: "Where were you? You were not here at all — where? In what world were you? What is this? You don't know? I speak and I give all my strength and you do not listen?" So he was very angry with me and hit me with cruel blows.

He hit me: "What is this? I speak just like that for nothing? And you do not listen? I speak and you do not even know the portion?" Yes — doesn't know one word. "Where were you!" Even still, I saw that I need the bread, because I receive a beating — and such a beating! I suffered from the beating, and also I was embarrassed — I was humiliated before the children... He didn't hit even one other — only Yisroel Ber! (The disgrace began from then!) The disgrace [was] more — more painful than the beating. I tell all of this so that we should know how much H"Y loves temimus [simple wholesomeness, wholehearted purity]. I was not an intellectual — only the temimus of the heart. I very much loved the Torah, and the commandments, and the faith, and the fear of Heaven. And when I saw someone learning, or he was whole-hearted and reciting Psalms — I thought: Ah, this man is thinking of the true purpose! Fortunate is this man — he is occupied with Psalms and he is learning!

Afterwards there are many stories, because I prayed with fervor — more than all the children. All the children prayed like children, regular — but I counted the words like money, the way one counts money, and with love and temimus: "Boruch Atah..." [Blessed are You...] In any event, in this synagogue I prayed — that was the synagogue... it was close to us, so I prayed in the synagogue. And this synagogue — (of the Karlin Chassidim?) No, no. I was a Karlin Chassid, but this was Bi-an [a Chassidic group]. (Bi-an Chassidim...) But because it was very close — neighboring right next to our house — I entered there to pray. And there in the synagogue of Bi-an there was one Chassid, a very old man, venerable and important — he was an administrator. He was the administrator of the kollel [communal fund for Torah scholars], an administrator — and he was a big miser. (What was his name?) Reb Yaakov Kutzir, Rav Yaakov Kutzir, yes. This is something well-known, yes. But this was before seventy years — this was before many years, oy, oy oy...

Me — Father was a pauper and didn't have the means to buy me a prayer book. I wanted a siddur [prayer book] with the midnight [prayer — Tikkun Chatzos], with Psalms, with the Ma'amdos [daily readings], all the supplications and prayers... [Reb Yaakov Kutzir] — he saw my prayer, that it was unlike all the other children. He saw that I prayed with kavanah [focused intention] and deveykus [cleaving to G-d] and with truth and temimus — so I found favor in his eyes. He was a big miser who with difficulty gave a piece of pach [very low-denomination coins, lit. "tin"] to charity — but to me he gave every time: almost every day he gave me a large coin covertly, placing it for me between the pages of the prayer book. And this was a significant coin — he gave it to me while I prayed, bringing it to me in the book so that no one would sense that he was giving to me.

I was a poor child and had a strong desire to have a prayer book that would have in it the midnight [prayer], and Psalms, and Ma'amdos, and all the other prayers. And there was such a prayer book that was not possible to obtain except in Jerusalem. It wasn't easy to come to such a prayer book — one needs to ask an expert in order to buy such a prayer book. And I had a relative who was an expert, a maven on prayer books, and my mother asked him: "Where is it possible to obtain a prayer book that has everything?" So he showed her this prayer book — "Kol Bo" [everything in it]. But such a prayer book costs a lot of money, and I didn't have money. So I took these coins which this man gave me as a gift each time, and I collected them — not giving them to Father — and I gave the money to Mother to safekeep for me, until H"Y would arrange circumstances so that she would travel to Jerusalem and then purchase [it] for me. H"Y arranged that my mother needed to travel to Jerusalem, and then she fulfilled my request and bought for me, with the money I had collected, a book of prayers which has in it all types of prayers in the world — midnight [prayer], and Psalms, and Ma'amdos, and everything... "and everything is in it," as its name says — and many prayers. And this was by me like a great fortune, this prayer book. When she returned home with the prayer book, it was so beautiful that I wanted to eat all the pages! Everyone was jealous of me and said, "What a prayer book!" They asked me: "How did you come to such a prayer book?"

I had strong desires and I had heavy battles, and I searched for a place of respite [makom harchavah] — after I bought the prayer book. (And after you bought the prayer book, did you do midnight [prayers]?) Not every night, but I had strong desire to rise at midnight and recite Psalms, and sometimes I did not get up. But I remember in Tiberias — the air was very hot; the heat was so strong during the day that at night it was also very hot, because the stones were heated by the sun, and there was very great heat. And all [the people of] the city would sleep on the rooftops — I also. But I would rise a few hours before morning light and descend from the roof to our house. Our house was like a cave — there were no windows; it was like a cave — and I descended from the roof. After midnight the air was a little cooler, and then [was] the main time for sleep, the main [time for] vitality, and then I descended into the room. And we had a small lamp, "number 2"...

I got up early [before daylight], and we had a small lamp of "number 2." I lit the lamp and said Psalms and prayers — I began to pray. So the whole week I lit the lamp for a few hours every day, and it was deficient at the end of the week. And there was a container of kerosene — this was a container from Shabbos to Shabbos — and I used it. And Shabbos arrived and there was no kerosene. So they said: "Oy, Yisroel Ber makes it so difficult for us — he lights the kerosene and we don't have enough to finish the week." And also — I was born a very weak person. It is miraculous how it was that I... how it was that I grew up and I am alive. Yes, but blessed [is H"Y]...

This is a wondrous and very awesome story, for someone who truly pays heart to it. And therefore I said that it is befitting and very important to tell over and write — all that transpired over me from the day that I became of awareness, because this is a continuation: from when I became of awareness until I merited to draw near to our holy Master — this is a matter of continuation, this story from then is drawn onward, and this is a continuation. H"Y was gracious with me and bestowed upon me such a soul that from the day I became of awareness — while I was still a small child — my heart was burning very much to serve H"Y, and to merit the fear of Heaven, and faith, and everything essential.

My desire was to cleanse myself from the vanities of desires, from all the desires of this world — only to serve Hashem. But certainly when I was a small child I didn't know anything. But the soul yearned very much — even though I didn't know anything, my willpower and my heart were burning within me only to serve Hashem, and not to engage in any craft or labor. My father was a very great pauper his whole life, and then he became blind — and I was still a small child. Oy vay, Master of the World! And I had yearning to afflict my soul, to conduct fasts, at a time when I was still very young. What age? Seven, eight years old... (Did you fast at the age of seven, eight?)

No — only the day preceding the new month [Rosh Chodesh], or [the month of] Elul, in the time of the days of repentance, Elul. For example, on the eve of the new month I wanted to fast, and my mother was very devoted and she was in very great pain: "What is this with you? You are still a small child — what, will you fast?" So I didn't want to listen to her, and I did a fast every [eve of the] new month — half a day — but in the month of Elul, the eve of Rosh Chodesh Elul, the whole day. And I caused great pain to my mother from this. In any event, more passed over me... This is known: that for every matter of holiness, the Ba'al Davar [the Adversary] intensifies. On one hand I had very strong desires for worldliness, and on the other hand I was Heaven-fearing; I despised [the worldly aspects of] my life, and I felt a great pleasantness [in holiness].

And I was very simple, and I had a very strong will to be a truly upright man — to serve Hashem in truth, and to learn and to pray. Nu, nu... especially since the years after the Bar Mitzvah began — the war of the "sins of youth" started, yes, thoughts. And I didn't know what this was. Who can tell? Who can gauge? I had difficult battles. If I had any defect, even the slightest from thought. No, no, no... God forbid I did not transgress like the [others]... any defect, the slightest — this was by me like the most wicked man in the world, yes. I did not find a place [of comfort] before H"Y, before the Torah, yes. And this specifically brought me to H"Y — what I endured — and I overcame and I fought and I declared: I love H"Y, no matter what will be — I desire to serve Hashem. I prayed in the synagogue with fervor and with faith and with truth, yes — to the point that I was unique, unparalleled....

(Before this did you recite a lot of Psalms?) Yes. (Every day — how much?) I don't remember, but I searched — I sought out Psalms, and I sought out books. (But you drank a lot of tea and coffee?) Yes — afterwards I saw that it is possible to live without tea and coffee... Reb Yisroel Karduner... what I saw! What I merited! What I saw from Rav Yisroel! I saw that he does not need tea — he got up at midnight without tea, without coffee. (Maybe you remember another act of charity that you did when you were a child, besides the bread?) Besides the bread? No. (No? And yet...) I — there are a lot of things, but I do not want to say anything that I do not remember clearly. This I remember clearly: the kerosene and the oil. Father said that I cause him such difficulty — I light the kerosene and on the eve of Shabbos there is no kerosene. "This is Yisroel Ber, Yisroel Ber took the kerosene!" And mother said: "The oil? I need the oil for Shabbos!" I asked for another two drops of oil....

(Did you get up at midnight? Did you sleep through midnight?) Yes — not exactly at midnight, but I liked to get up at two or three hours before daybreak and descend... (To do what?) Psalms — midnight [Chatzos] — Psalms... And I was... the Creator gave me such a soul that I yearned for Torah. I was on fire for Torah and the fear of Heaven — I was chared [God-fearing, solicitous]... In any event — what I saw [was]: the Chassidim, how they conducted themselves. I was first — I was the greatest of all the Karlin [Chassidim]. They screamed the prayer; so I screamed. Such screams I screamed that I could faint! "You are killing me! You are making me dead! You are killing me — what do You want from me?!" An elderly Jew — eighty years old or ninety — there was an old man right beside me. He said to me: "You are a fiend! I am an old man, I already cannot hear, and you want to make me completely deaf? What do you want from me? Why do you scream so much?!"

Nu — the more we drank before the prayer... For example, they would arise half an hour before the day — they got up half an hour before the day — they were called [recognized as] from the greatest practitioners, from the greatest Tzadikim of the generation: he is getting up half an hour before the day! When getting up one performs the ritual hand-washing ["naygel vasser"] first, then kindles the [primus] stove and drinks... Nu, I saw that it was necessary to drink, so I also wanted to drink, to drink... And after this, he is found sitting on a seat. Some would sit in the seat for an hour, some two hours... Reb Yisroel Karduner! In any event, afterwards — when H"Y helped me and I saw Reb Yisroel... What is this?! They — when they get up before the day? They are already [considered] the Tzadikim of the generation! And Reb Yisroel got up at midnight, and no one saw anything, and he does not need tea, he doesn't need anything. He needs only a mikveh.

(Did you go to the mikveh? Before Reb Yisroel? Were you already going to the mikveh?) Yes. (Every day?) Yes. (Karlin Chassidim go to the mikveh?) Yes. They do not [go] every day — but I, but I, I used to... (From what age did you begin to go to the mikveh?) Before the Bar Mitzvah — after the Bar Mitzvah, I was already [at the point where] I was not able to pray a day without the mikveh....

I became Bar Mitzvah. Nu — so I have to learn a trade: tailoring, or shoemaking, some trade — yoa [interjection of exasperation]. And I said: "No, I do not want — I don't want to learn a trade, I want only Torah, only Torah and the fear of Heaven. Work? None, none, none..." So they said to me: "But Father cannot give you a dowry, and money for a wedding — you will need a wedding, what will be?! Who will give to you?! So... and also — you need to support a household!" So I said: "I do not want any trade!" And I was very stubborn and did not learn a trade. And afterwards, when I merited to draw close to Reb Yisroel [Karduner] and I told him the matter, I saw that he had great pleasure from this — because then I did not know of Breslov, only my heart was burning so much with love for Torah — and he told me: "You did well, that you did not learn a trade. Yes."

Yes... I had very harsh battles with the whole city, with the whole family — they all wanted (you to learn a trade?) Yes, and I said: I will not work a trade — only Torah and the fear of Heaven. This I do not want by any means. And we had hard battles, because there was great sorrow [for the family's plight]. They said: "Father cannot work — he is blind and poor — and you desert the house?! You are a Bar Mitzvah child — are you not able to learn a trade and earn bread in the house? You will not be a Rabbi! You do not have the talent!" And I did not want to listen, and the whole city was full of great pity [for my family]. And I said to them: "I will not work at any trade, by any means."

So I told this to Rav Yisroel [Karduner]. He enjoyed it — I saw that he had great pleasure from this. [He thought:] "H"Y prepared for him such a soul that he wants only Torah!" (So they said, what will be with a wife?) Yes, yes — the woman. So I said: "What is needed is such a woman who will also eat bread [i.e., who will accept poverty]..." This I still have not told precisely as it was, because it is impossible to delineate the battle I had with this. Reb Yisroel heard this — I searched... The war with the parents, with the family, and all the friends, and the whole city — everyone said that I need to learn a trade, I am not suitable to be a Rosh Yeshivah or Rabbi, Admur [Chassidic Master]. One sees the mercy of the blessed Creator: seventy years before, what Breslov was — it is truly impossible to describe the utter degradation that was upon Breslov. And I stood against lions — against people who were great in Torah and well-known celebrities — and they all said: "Breslov — no!" Reb Mottel — this was great miracles. All the great people of Tiberias, the friends — I prayed with them — and Tiberias was a small city and I knew everyone. And they all said: "Breslov — oy vay, oy vay, oy." Yes. And I — H"Y — I merited, with the kindness of H"Y, to taste the taste of Breslov: the taste of hisbodidus, the taste of the outpouring of the soul... yes.

In Slunim [the Slonim Chassidic congregation] there was one old man, a Torah scholar and Heaven-fearing — a master Kabbalist — and he was very old. I was engaged with him as well, that he should draw me close to H"Y. And he inclined his ear to all my words, and he was very astonished by what he saw: what is this?! There are other talented children who study Torah and fear G-d — and it is not heard from even one of them that he suffers so much from the evil inclination?! Nu, in any event he received me with love. And almost every night I went, after the evening prayers, to the synagogue of Slunim. He was the last to leave the synagogue, and he and I would walk together — he lived a little far from the synagogue — and I walked with him slowly until we reached his house. And along the way I told him all my pains, everything that was happening to me. And he wanted to help me and spoke with me words of faith — certainly it was good for me — but to take [the affliction] from me, to illuminate upon me such light as I needed — that he did not have. In any event, I had several guides, mentors who taught me, until I became Bar Mitzvah.

After the Bar Mitzvah, one man drew me close — his name was Reb Muttel Slunimer. In his old age he became the Admur [Chassidic Master] of Slunim. And he drew me very close and taught me Zohar, and Talmud, and Mishna — he was my Rebbe. And I was in his house for a long time, and I saw that every second he was engaged only in the study of Torah, and he was God-fearing with good character traits. I considered him to be an angel of Hashem of Hosts — Reb Muttel. Nu — and I searched with self-sacrifice and I told before several [different] people all my sins, everything that had passed over me, because I wanted to get out of the mud — I wanted to change. I thought: I will reveal the sickness, and then he will know better how to help me, how to help me. In any event, what transpired with me transpired — more and more and more — until I became fourteen years old. And then H"Y began to do with me miracles and wonders. I saw the Divine Providence of H"Y — that He has mercy on me and helps me. Every time — oy vay...

In any event, it is impossible to tell over in detail everything — nu, but the main thing is: what, how shall I begin to tell what happened to me, that which H"Y had mercy on me and caused such circumstances for me to merit drawing close to our holy Master? That I should merit —

What I yearned for and wanted — only Torah and prayer and truth, to be hidden, not to be publicized. (This would have been wasted if you had not recognized Rabbainu?) Yes, certainly! But like this — I have still not seen. One sees Breslov, a Chassid, a Chassid... But like these, for whom money was nothing, nothing, worth nothing — only the Creator and Torah — where do we see such people? Even among the Chassidim of Breslov, there were great ones, there were precious Jews, real Jews. But like these — like Reb Yisroel, as we knew from them — like these? Like what Reb Yisroel could do? No one was like these! (He would leave his children, leave his family) Yes, certainly. (Such strength, such wisdom) Wisdom within this temimus — there is a deep wisdom, a type of something like this that is not found in the world, within this temimus... (What is it, the wisdom?) This is wisdom that cannot be found... Is there someone to speak with?... (A servant of H"Y...) Certainly! Certainly! I saw by the Chassidim — I saw that there are precious Jews — they are humble. Humble — this is a precious thing, humility is a precious trait — but everyone knows that he is humble. And likewise: if we are a Torah scholar, then he wants the whole world to believe [in him], that they should have a name — that he is the one Torah scholar in the entire world, yes. It is not sufficient for him that... that they hold him as a Torah scholar. (They need to publicize it...) Yes. Oy, oy, yes. And more things like this — this is only the bare outline....

In any event, I had a teacher who taught me "Raishis Chochmah" [a classic Kabbalistic ethical work, "The Beginning of Wisdom"] and other works of ethics. And I was very attached to Reb Tzvi — they called him Reb Tzvi Litvak, and his family name was Rosenthal. And besides him, I had several other teachers, because I searched greatly for the service of Hashem in truth, among the Slunim Chassidim.

For example — there was in Tiberias one man well-known to this day, his name was Rav Tzvi Litvak Rosenthal, and he was Heaven-fearing. He studied many works of ethics, and the book Raishis Chochmah he knew by heart; he would study it constantly, and would study the book Raishis Chochmah with great diligence. I searched for a place to guide me, to illuminate within me the light of the fear of Heaven and faith. So I attached myself to him, and he became my teacher — without payment. He learned Raishis Chochmah with me and spoke with me in this fashion, orally [by heart], and there was a great bond between us. I saw in the book Raishis Chochmah, and in other works of ethics, the enormous power of prayer — and I prayed to H"Y. But from the matter of hisbodidus I did not know — I only knew that prayer is a very great thing. So I said a lot of Psalms, and my prayer every day — the three daily prayers — I prayed with great kavanah and deveykus and fear of Heaven...

This story of Rav Hirsch [Tzvi] Litvak — who is Rav Hirsch Litvak? In short: he was unique in Tiberias; he was the great one who helped the whole city — a small city. And they called him by this name, Rav Hirsch Litvak ["the Lithuanian"]. They knew "Litvak" — [meaning, they knew he was a] Lithuanian Jew [who] laughs at Chassidim and their stories. In any event, he helped them a great deal. He knew the entire Raishis Chochmah by heart — and he did not only learn the Raishis Chochmah; he fulfilled what he learned. He was a seeker — he had yearning....

After this — when I recognized Reb Yisroel — I then left all the rabbis, and Rav Hirsch as well. But there was a great bond between us, a bond and love — there was love between us — so we were friends. Even though there was great distance from him to me [in spiritual standing], there was great distance, and he saw that which I was laughed at for — not from Jerusalem, from a small town — everyone knew. And they were in shock: "How can a person endure... such hardships? Such insults? Such hardships!" And he, Rav Hirsch — specifically from this opposition [to Breslov] — something entered his heart inwardly: that this is a great thing, that this is above all [other] Chassidus. I did not know — what he has in his heart, do I know? But there was a great bond between us, with love — like one soul.

So I said to him, to... friend, I said to him: "Rav Hirsch — why don't you [respectful plural] go in to Rav Yisroel? And he will learn with you Torah from Likutay Moharan — from this will come forth such and such [wonderful things]..." What?... Nu — he, he himself, knew this already, so to speak, and I am telling him: how does he go in to Reb Yisroel? If I suffer such hardships [for being connected to Breslov], can he endure such things? What does one do? How does one go in to Reb Yisroel? And Reb Yisroel resided next to the shul [synagogue] of the Karlin and the Slunimers — his house was right next to all the houses. Nu — he [Rav Hirsch] was not able to simply walk inside to Reb Yisroel... He found a plan: he would go on Friday night to the Slunimers. Nu — how far from the Slunim is Reb Yisroel? The very first step from the house of Reb Yisroel — that is the Slunimers! So instead of going to the Slunimers, he would go inside to Reb Yisroel. And this was at night — Friday night — so who would know? The upshot is, a good number of weeks passed like this.

He went to Reb Yisroel, and Reb Yisroel learned with him and told him about the Rebbe, about the secret of our holy Master [Nachman]. So he decided: "I will be Yisroel Ber the second — the second madman. I will become, I will become a Breslov Chassid! I will become, I will become a Breslov Chassid!" He went to Reb Yisroel for a good number of weeks... And the Slunimers saw that the Litvak, Rav Hirsch Litvak, had stopped coming on Friday night. So they asked his father-in-law — they asked him: "Where is he? What has become of our son-in-law, Rav Hirsch Litvak? He no longer comes to us on Friday night?" So he answered: "I don't know — let's ask at home why he doesn't go." He asks at home? Oy vay — he goes every Friday night! One Friday night he does not miss — he goes every Friday night! He doesn't go [to Slunim]? So they fell into suspicion: perhaps he is going to the house of Reb Yisroel? It is not far from the Slunimers... He is going inside — he is going to Reb Yisroel. To sum it up — he told them, and the wife says: "He goes every Friday night," so suspicion arose among them that this Rav Hirsch had become a Breslov Chassid, that he was going to Reb Yisroel. So they investigated covertly and looked from behind: "We caught him, we caught him!" — when he went inside to Reb Yisroel. Nu, nu — there was an uproar, a great commotion among the Slunimers, the father-in-law and mother-in-law — he had become like "Yisroel Ber!" He had become...

Wonders! That exceed all the wonders of Rabbainu! (But except for Reb Noson, there was never something like this — the Petek of Redemption? There was Rabbainu, Reb Noson, and the Petek of Redemption!) The Petek [the sacred note — Na Nach Nachma Nachman MayUman]? That is from the wonders of Rabbainu! Wonders that top all the wonders of Rabbainu! What? What is there? "Yisroel Ber" — I am this "Yisroel Ber"! (Yisroel Ber — that is [the name signified by] Rabbainu! The fact is that Reb Yisroel Karduner did not receive insults like you did!) He did not receive like me? He endured a great deal — what is impossible to describe! But he was a strong warrior.

(Fine, but like you...) But — he was, he suffered, he suffered such matters every second, regarding the service of Hashem — things of which we have no conception whatsoever! This alone... it is impossible to merit this except with the strength of Rabbainu! He was completely clean — from all desires, from everything, from haughtiness — that [in his eyes] was like a pig: haughtiness and honor? He ran from it, he fled, he was nothing, nil... (You said that it was impossible to speak of him...) Nu, certainly! One can tell what I saw — this, spiritual words without measure, without limit. He merited [this] only through his self-sacrifice. Oy vay, oy vay. What do we have? We need to make an accounting: how was it that Reb Noson lived and merited to compose Likutay Tefillos [Collected Prayers] and Likutay Halachos [Collected Laws]? All of it for us. He saw: there would be Aharon [Patz] and there would be Sharon [T.] and there would be every soul — and he prepares for every one what he needs. Rabbainu and Reb Noson...

(I know nothing — I want to explode the Petek to the whole world! This is my madness! Even though I am half dead, I want it to be in every home, people made mad for Rabbainu! And the doctors — they want to make great photographs [of the Petek]!!....) Who? (Y. said that if we bring the machines of the [non-Jews] and begin to work...) Yes? (He stops his medical practice and works with us) Yes? Him? Yes — he is completely devoted, he is ready to sacrifice himself entirely — all for Rabbainu. He is a wonder, a wonder-man. He is from [those connected to] the Petek. He is not just any doctor — he is a great specialist physician in Paris! What is this? He is not an ordinary doctor — he has wisdom, he has... (Also L.) Yes. Yes. Yes — also L. He is a great dentist, not ordinary!

So I searched for God-fearing men, men of truth, among the Chassidim amongst whom I grew up — because then I did not know at all from our holy Master. But I searched for guidance. Even though I belonged to the Karlin Chassidus, I thought: maybe I will find [what I need] in Slunim, maybe I will find in some other place — and then I will be bound only to H"Y, to the place that I will feel and see makes an effect upon me, that channels upon me the light of Hashem. Nu — and I searched among the Karlin Chassidim and among the Slunim and other people.

I want — and I understand — that I need to always give thanks and praise to H"Y who did for me a miracle: one man, solitary [and vile, as it were,] against the entire world, yes — Father and Mother and the family and the whole city and the whole world. How I was in such lowliness and degradation that if you had been there, it would have been hard for you [to understand] how I existed in this world, how I am living?! It is impossible to describe — there are no words to speak and describe what I endured. And blessed be H"Y, I see now that this, this was very good. I yearn and I say: if only I had suffered more! But now — if I would pay millions... How? The time has passed.

Yes. How ruthless I was — my father had his Gehinnom [Hell] in this very world: he was blind in both eyes, in such poverty, in such lowliness — and I was in such a house — and I have a miracle: how am I living?! How did I remain alive? Yes. There was no bread, not a drop of olive oil — and blessed be H"Y, I stood firm. Father cried before me: "I am your father — I know — and you are still young, you don't understand. Breslov?! No match will want you — and you are poor, you have no money — how?! What are you doing!?" He cried — him and Mother and the brothers, they cried over me — and I was ruthless toward Father and Mother, and I said: "Only Breslov!!!" Now [I see]. Only the books of Breslov. See how the liars appear, yes. How they appear — where are they? Yes. There is nothing left of them.

(Reb Yisroel, how did you pray when you were a Karlin Chassid?) I used to scream — mamash [truly, literally] — to the heart of the sky! All of them screamed, because whoever screamed more was more of a Chassid, was more important. (This was a competition of who screams louder?!) Yes, but my intentions were not for the sake of importance, or for any personal gain — only I, my heart was burning for H"Y, and I screamed with such vox [voice]! And next to me sat an elderly man named Rav Kihus, Rav Kihus, yes. And he — after the prayer — would scream at me and cry: "What do you want from me? You want to make me deaf?! You are killing me, killing me... You? This is not screaming — this is for killing!" (Did he beat you?) No. No. He wanted to beat [me], but he was a Torah scholar and God-fearing, and he was not able to endure — he was suffering greatly from it. I did not know. But he — this I caused, his strictness... his anger? This I remember — as if he is standing right now next to me and screaming at me: "What do you want from me?!"

(When you were thirteen, fourteen years old, you knew Rav Muttel of Slunim and the sages?) Yoa — Rav Muttel was a great Torah scholar. And a Torah scholar does not seek commandments [mitzvos]; only the main purpose — he [seeks] to learn, learn, and learn. And he was a Chassid and God-fearing, and he loved a mitzvah — to perform a mitzvah, charity and kindness. So he knew that I had a blind father, and he took me into his house, learned with me, spoke with me, and drew me very close. And he was to me like a father — like a father. And he spoke with me, Chassidus and Admurim [Chassidic Masters], and I received a great deal from him. And I considered Rav Muttel: there is no one greater than him in the world — he is literally an angel! I saw his good character traits. I was always with him, by day and by night....

These things are pertinent to the drawing close to Rabbainu — preparation; all of this was preparation for the drawing close to Rabbainu. (When you were young — the Karlin Chassidim were drinking tea and coffee, and you drank more than all of them?) More than all of them — I screamed more than all of them, and I drank... (Tea — more than all of them?) I was in pain, in very great troubles, and I searched for a remedy: how to save myself? And I did not find one — until H"Y... I am telling this in brief; [there are] things it is impossible to tell everything of. (No — tell it! I know very well that you remember, yes?) Yoa....

H"Y saved us from all the [hostile] nations. That mother, she... she had a fear from the nations that they would murder us and our descendants. And H"Y cast fear upon them and they fell — I don't know how. They were so strong, and they had a lot of weapons, and H"Y did with us miracles and wonders. We were small children, not knowing what war is. And H"Y did with us such wonders — they fell and they fell. Such wonders as one does not see: that mothers and their small children were saved — and are being saved — from the nations. So it was many times; throughout the world H"Y did with us such miracles that the nations fell from upon us, and we were saved from them, from their weapons. There was great fear upon us, and our descendants, and upon our families, and upon all Jews. We were in great distress and H"Y had mercy upon us — we were saved, and the nations were lost and confounded.

How do small children know how to wage war? What is this? We saw that we had distanced ourselves from Torah and from holiness — and how should we be saved from the nations? And H"Y, in His compassion for His entire nation, had mercy upon us and upon our descendants. It is impossible to understand this. Small children who were born — approximately one month, two months — we were saved from the nations; that's how it was. We were in great distress — we and our descendants and our families — and all of us were being completely lost. Because how is it possible to be saved from such murderers? And H"Y saw this — with such miracles and wonders we remained, and they were lost with their weapons.

There was no chance at all to be saved from the nations, and H"Y did great wonders — that all of them fell, and we and our descendants remained, we were saved. Small children, who did not know how to wage war — and we were saved and they were lost. After all the miracles, H"Y showed us: we were in the desert and we did not have bread, not to drink, no weapons, no people — H"Y saved us, we are alive and existing, and they were lost. They had weapons — they had everything. We were [like] madmen and had nothing. What is this? How were we saved? They had weapons — the whole world gave them weapons — and we did not have weapons. There were small children. They were all lost and we are alive and existing. I am older than one hundred years — I am alive and they are gone.

How terrifying it was that we were being lost?! And how the nations had all types of weapons — they were lost and we are alive and existing. I remember now how much fear we had of the nations. And they wanted to kill, to wipe out, and to destroy us — and the opposite occurred! We in Tiberias were like dead [people] — there was not the slightest doubt [as to the outcome] — how would one be saved from the nations? [But] He will gather us and save us from the nations. I remember: Mother did not have what to eat, and also the small children did not have milk with which to live. And I am not working. And H"Y saved us from the nations and gave us the Torah of truth. Even now — the Arab nations had houses, they had animals, they had milk and butter and all good things — and we had nothing. How were we saved from the nations?! The nations had a great deal of weaponry — the whole world, the French and the English, everyone gave them weapons — and we did not have anyone to give to us. We were being lost like animals, not knowing where to flee, what to do with small children. Now we are in their houses and everything that was theirs is ours. The houses are ours and everything is ours — a piece of bread and a few drops of olive oil — and we and our descendants are alive and existing. And they —

— have nothing. I do not know how I am alive — we did not have bread, nor food, nor drink, nor anything whatsoever. Until today I am in great wonderment: how am I alive? And how are the children alive? All of us are alive. Only those who had all good things — they have passed away. Only I remained alone — for one hundred and three years...