The Story of His Drawing Close To Breslov
The Story of His Drawing Close The Holy One Blessed He (-HY: Hashem Yisburach - from here on as explained in the Notice at the end of the Table of Contents) desired that I draw close to Rabbainu, so He brought about such circumstances that I should know of the book (Outpouring of the Soul) – from the book I made hisbodidus, and I saw such wonders – that it is impossible to tell over verbally – I saw wonders! I would steal myself to the fields with the book (Yid: papers), I wanted to save my soul. So I did what is written there, and I saw such – abolition of nature! Abolition of nature! I used to learn books – books of Chasidus, books of Mussar (ethics), in order to save my soul. But what I saw here, I never saw in my life! HY showed me – HY desired that I come close to the Rebbe – that I must come close to the Rebbe, so from all the opposition against the Rebbe – was ashes and dust (-nothing). I saw Rabbi Yisroel (Karduner o.b.m.) - I saw that this is a completely different matter! This is Oalum Hazeh (this world) – and this is Oalum Habu (the future world), two entire opposites! And afterwards – this is the way it was methodically, for the holy Rebbe said (Life of Our Leader Rabbi Nachman, article 318), “To come close to me is a very hard enterprise!” It is necessary to be cleansed of honor and the vanities <hevlay> of this world! To draw close with a full stomach – with arrogance – eating and drinking – with money?! A person is always surrounded with impediments – this is all obstacles! Blockage from the true tachlis (purpose, end)! Nu, I saw that HY has compassion on me - - it is wondrous how I got out - - I had already came to a resolution that I would not be a Breslov Chussid! I would learn the books – but would not be a Breslover!… However, HY had mercy on me, and I merited to see what takes place here – just my hearing from R' Yisroel'n (affectionate suffix – this is true throughout the book for the various different names) a davenen (-praying), a prayer, or a word, and his manner, and his mitzvos (-good deeds) - - I saw that the world sleeps! That this is the place! That this is the place where there is what to see – that it is possible to draw close to HY in truth – it is only here! And certainly – I still did not know what I know now. The more time goes by, I see what goes on – how the world looks – and how it is by the Rebbe – yeah. But the main thing is – what I merited to know Rebbe Yisroel'n! I knew more of the elders, I knew R' Shlomo Wexler. He was such a novelty - - Rabbi Chaim Sonnenfeld (the Chief Justice of the Chareidi Court of Israel) had derech eretz (-formal etiquette and respect – meaning amongst other things, he would stand up for him) before him! R' Shlomo was his neshama (soul), he treated him with (formal) respect! R' Shlomo, R' Shlomo! * All of this is an astounding wonder! Astounding wonders! Wondrous Wonders! - How I got out of Egypt?! (*). How is it that I got out – how is it that I merited to draw close to the Rebbe'n?! (* See Likutay Halachos, OC, Laws of Blessing of Thanksgiving 6:67 – how a person is obligated to see himself as if he got out of Egypt – recognizing all the goodness, miracles and wonders, that HY does for him especially for drawing him close to the true tzaddikim which is an eternal kindness etc. see there.) I did such things that were mamash – so cruel. My father was blind, and poor, he was an embittered man. A blind person – may the Holy Merciful one spare us – a sick person – either he dies or he lives, and this (-blind person) lives and suffers – a man lives and he cannot see?! And father begged me so much – he gave me permission – I can be whatever chussid – I can choose what I want! “Perhaps you feel better with a different chassidus. Just not Breslov!” It wasn't necessary for me to make such an issue, and (should) not (have) said, “Father, it cannot be any other way, I will not listen to you!” I pained him so. It is possible that this was “reeboy ohr” (-too much light – overenthusiastic and carried away), I should have had wit, and not have said that, the aspect of “arrow in the eye of Satan” (*the Talmud warns that one should not openly and overtly challenge or take on the evil inclination, with such a proclamation), it was not necessary for me to say, “it is not possible for it to be any other way,” and, “you will not accomplish anything,” and, “I will not obey.” I should not have made out to be knowing (-certain, resolute), yeah - - (rather) hear what he says, and answer, “I will see,” “I will consider,” “for the time being it is undecided.” - - No! I was so - - but even still – bidee-eved (-not optimal but since it was already done) this was good. And everyone, and the family, and the whole city, saw how I was so cruel, how I don't listen to father and mother, and how I don't pay attention to everyone – and this was a tremendous kiddush (sanctification of) Hashem. * And afterwards, in the time of R' Yisroel – he was in Tiberius, he was our crown, he was an altogether different matter - - Like Rabbi Nussun sang to himself, when the misnagdim (antagonists) wanted to kill him - - he traveled to the wedding of his son, and the misnagdim found out that Rabbi Nussun would arrive, so they went out towards him outside the city, and they wanted to kill him. And Rabbi Nussun hid himself, and afterwards R' Nachman Tulchiner searched for him – he traveled with R' Nachman Tulchiner, and R' Nachman saw from a distance how Rabbi Nussun – there in his hiding place – how he dances and sings with great joy, “Master of the World, our greatness and our splendor will be revealed in the time to come, when Messiah arrives!” (* based on Likutay Moharan 66:3; see the entire story in Siach Sarfay Kodesh 3:135). Standing here are men who want to kill him – Is it possible, he is going to marry off his son! Where has such a thing been heard – that a father who is going to marry off his son – even the most execrable – that they should demean him so much – that they should want to kill him?! And Rabbi Nussun needed to hide himself, and he left the wagon, and hid himself somewhere in the forest, and R' Nachman Tulchiner went to search for him, and he found him standing and dancing, “Our greatness and our splendor will be revealed in the time to come, when Messiah comes!”…. * Nu, and we merit here in this world – even though this is not quite how it should be – however it is also a kidush (sanctification of) Hashem. Every soul that comes to Rabbainu Hakadosh is a kidush Hashem – after such a conflict, after such a concealment. Whoever wants - - the holy Rebbe - - however he is, the holy Rebbe searches for aitzos (remedies, advice), schemes, how to draw us out from all the vanities of this world. This is something nevertheless! It is not the way it should be?! It is not R' Yisroel?! Nevertheless there is made from this – it pays off to come! * It comes Rosh Hashana – many Jews come to Rabbainu for a tikun (rectification) – on Rosh Hashana. I think, this year – who knows if there will even be space – even to stand! Already a year ago - two years ago – I spoke with some Jews who came for Rosh Hashana, I asked them, “Who was mikarev (drew close) you? Where did you hear?” He answered, “No one was mikarev us, we didn't hear from anyone, we bought the books” – in The Life of Our Leader Rabbi Nachman he saw how the holy Rebbe speaks of his Rosh Hashana, so he came for Rosh Hashana! From The Life of Our Leader Rabbi Nachman he came for Rosh Hashana! From the Likutay Moharan he is coming for Rosh Hashana! And from the Likutay Tefilos he is coming for Rosh Hashana! There are prayers for Rosh Hashana, and one must already prepare himself for Rosh Hashana – one must already say the prayers for Rosh Hashana, so as to merit to know of Rosh Hashana – that Rosh Hashana is approaching! * R' Yisroel r.i.p. always was burning (-enthused) like fire, for Hashem Yisburach, but Elul (the month before Rosh Hashana) was an altogether different matter! This transcended everything - - a completely different matter! His (reciting from the Rosh Hashana prayer) “And every creation will know that You created it, and every formation will understand that You formed it!” burned! It was a burning fire! He was in Meron, and his hisbodidus – all of his devotions – Elul (his devotions of that month) was completely different from the whole year! A completely different fire! He was always a fire, this I saw! * And thank G-d, the holy Rebbe said – when one draws close to the tzaddik through toil and exertion then one merits to receive more from the tzaddik (*Likutay Moharan, Torah 185, summarized in Likutay Aitzos, entry of Mineyos – Impediments, article 5)! The essence is from the toil and exertion! Here I was the geebor (-champion) from among the chasidim, the greats of the world, yeah. And I was a frummer (devout/pious), and I was always with them. Nu, suddenly… what happened here?! There exists one R' Yisroel, a poor Jew - - and HY brought about circumstances so that I merit to hold (-remain) by Rabbainu Hakadosh. * There in Tiberius was someone called 'Reb Laizshikeh'. Reb Eliezer, he was a Cohen (-dynasty of the priesthood), and out of affection he was called 'Reb Laizshikeh', and he was an old man, seventy years ago he was already ninety years old, he had a hernia/hunchback (?), he slept on the floor (-in the Hebrew this was translated – he shlepped (-dragged) himself about like that). And he left Maariv (-the evening prayer) later than everyone else. Nu, from the synagogue to his house, how big is all of Tiberius already, from the synagogue to his house is not such a – nu, however, he would take tiny steps, and he would carry along at a crawl, and I would go with him – I went, I would help hold him so that he wouldn't fall, after Maariv, and I would go with him – at night – there is no one on the street. And I would speak out my heart before him, I wanted to hear from him words that I could use towards Judaism – towards fear of Heaven. And this Reb Laizshikeh told me about R' Yisroel'n – that he his such a thing, a novelty! Yeah, this Reb Laizshikeh - - * [- - R' Yisroel was in the Land of Israel twice, one time he came – the first time – he was here for a few weeks, he came – to go four cubits in the Land of Israel, but he traveled back. And the second time he came already to settle permanently in Jerusalem – he sat (-settled) in Jerusalem, however HY brought about circumstances which had him travel out of Jerusalem and carried him into Meron!….] * And this R' Laizshikeh showed me great friendship, he loved me dearly – a sincere Jew loves temeemus (unfeigned wholeheartedness). And the whole way I spoke with him, and afterwards when he arrived – he went into the house, he brought me inside the house, he sat down by the table, and spoke with me. * And this was before drawing close to R' Yisroel'n. When I drew close I was seventeen years old – and from before bar-mitzva until seventeen years I had an ordeal – I lived a life, I didn't know from Rebbe'n. And suddenly HY had mercy on me, there was a creation of the world! I found the Outpouring of the Soul in the garbage, I take it and go to throw it into the geneeza (-cache of the tattered remains of holy articles). Before I threw it into the geneeza, I see that the name of the book is Outpouring of the Soul! And I had learned then many books, books of mussar (ethics), and many books of tzaddikim. Nu, and such a name of a book I still had never heard and had not seen. I contemplated, let me look inside, let me see what this is, maybe this is good for me. I started to look inside, previously I had just seen the name of the book, Outpouring of the Soul, I started to look and see – I only set an eye on the page I opened to – it was without a cover – I saw immediately that this was hashgacha (-Divine Providence) – that this was good for me! I used to take the papers and go out between the fields, because the yeshiva stood between the fields. And I saw what I saw - - Nu, it became known to me that these pages are from the books of Breslov, which one mustn't look in them… I saw what is going on here – I saw the papers, what they have in them, how this saved me. Nu, HY brought about such circumstances that I came to know of the - - *Here the tape is interrupted a bit, and apparently the missing part is the story of the boy who discovered Saba reading Outpouring of the Soul. - - I told him that, “For me it is good! It is none of your business! For me it is good!!” “Like that? You are so impudent? Such brazeness?!” So he tore the papers from me and took them, and I was left an orphan – without the papers! Nu, picture for yourself – what delight I had from the papers – and he took them away from me – he took from me my neshama (soul)! However, I became aware of drawing close to Rebbe'n – that this was from the books of Breslov which are forbidden to look in them… So I began to inquire by the chasidim – there were precious Jews there, Heaven fearing, chasidim, so I asked, “What is this?!” I told over to them how I found a book which saved me more than all the books, and so and so came along – and says to me that this is from the books of Breslov which one mustn't look in them, “Who is this Breslover? What is this Breslov?” He (R' Laizshikeh) knew, and he said to me – “There was a great tzaddik and gaon (genius) and his name was Rabbi Nachman Breslover!” I asked him, “If he was such a gaon, such a tzaddik – why does he say that one mustn't look in his books?” He said, “There was a conflict, and I say,” he said, “in my opinion, one needn't look at the conflict – men of our status - -!” Yeah, that is what he told me… I told him how he had torn the book, and he had indignation. However he was really from the unique special individuals – one who held that one should not oppose Rebbe'n, Rabbi Nachman, yeah. However the majority – everyone – were misnagdim (antaganists). And shoyn (-already, it is done, now) I did not have the book, but I became knowledgeable that there is Breslov! Previously I didn't know that there is in the world a type of chasidus by the name of Breslov, and now I became aware that this is - - Nu, and I had already tasted the taste of the book, I used to go out – without the book – I would go out to do hisbodidus between the fields, because the yeshiva was situated between the fields. I would go out, and I would beg and cry before Hashem Yisburach - - I gave Him thanks for having brought me the book, and now that I did not have it – I begged Him, “Master of the World, have mercy on me that I should merit that You bring me – books of Breslov – and chasidim of Breslov!” That is what I beseeched before Hashem Yisburach. Nu, people of our aptitude - - I beseech, who knows - - I beg - - however I saw the results of the begging, I saw – it wasn't long – R' Yisroel Breslover – that's what the whole world called him, and that is what is written on his tombstone… - was sitting (-settled) – nu, and he was sitting in Meron, and his entire avoada (devotion) was with modesty (-secrecy), in Meron there is hisbodidus, Torah and prayer. However he was alone over there, he was in the Garden of Eden, he was engaged there in avoadas (devotion of) Hashem – according to the Toaroas (-holy teachings) of Rebbe'n – with the prayers (-built on the teachings), with the halachos (-Likutay Halachos of Rabbi Nussun). Nu, he was in the Garden of Eden. From where did there come about R' Yisroel – if not from the holy words?! If not for the Toaroas?! From the prayers – from the books?! Nu, if they would give him all the money in the world, he would not leave Meron and travel to Tiberius. How does one take such a person out of Meron to Tiberius – to Yisroel Ber'n?! How is this possible?! Nu, HY is omnipotent, He desired that I should have R' Yisroel'n in Tiberius, so He effected His [program]! And He took him out from Tsfas, and He bought him to Tiberius. And at that time there weren't taxis, there were donkeys, and HY brought about circumstances so that R' Yisroel would already travel to Tiberius – he didn't want to travel – however HY effected His [program], (so) he traveled to Tiberius. So he came to Tiberius, and immediately from the donkey – HY brought about circumstances – that he come into our house. He came on Thursday, and we had begun to bake bread that week on Sunday, to sell. Nu, he needed bread, and we had bread left over by us, and he met a relative (of ours) and this person brought him to us, and we had by us a house with more children, older and younger, and HY brought about that I brought out the bun to him, and the way I saw him (-immediately upon seeing him), I saw a sort of image not from this world! I speculated that this was one of the thirty-six (hidden tzaddikim of the generation) - - I had begged HY that He should bring me someone that can benefit me in Judaism, so I saw - - I had begged for Breslover Chasidim, but HY sent from the very thirty-six tzaddikim… And this was a creation of the world! This came about from such a concealment - - it was so remote that R' Yisroel would come to Tiberius – to leave Meron and travel to Tiberius, however HY willed it - - “For He said and it was, He commanded and it stood (Psalms 33:9)!” He finalized His (will)! He brought R' Yisroel'n to Tiberius – into our house, and from this was a creation of the world. * And in this way we need to learn a practical lesson, to be more given over to Rebbe'n. And this is our entire tachlis (purpose)! Money is nothing - - no! And so too every word from the holy Rebbe'n, from every matter of the holy Rebbe'n, it is necessary to deduce from this – that we must run to the holy Rebbe'n! We need the holy Rebbe'n just like we we need the neshama (soul)! And we mustn't look at (-pay attention to) the world! And we must see to it that we heed the Rebbe'n, and not to be wise (-extraneous superfluous reasoning) – (just to be) like the holy Rebbe taught us! We don't need our reasoning, we don't need anything! We have everything all set! The holy Rebbe prepared for us everything we need! What every Jew needs, and what he needs every day and at all times – his whole life! What he needs – he prepared everything – the holy Rebbe! Just what is it then? One doesn't give heart (- isn't mindful), and desires just the name – to be a Breslover, and that's it, thank G-d I am a Breslover… Nu, one must see to it to be such a Breslover - - *** Every word is a gushing brook (“nachal noavaya” - an appellation of Rabbi Nachman), every word from the holy Rebbe'n is a gushing brook, every matter which comes from the holy Rebbe'n. Nu, we see wonders coming out from the holy Rebbe'n, for in accordance to the holy Rebbe being opposed to all the sciences and all the philosophies, with all the research, with sciences and languages, which the entire world is sunken (-engrossed) in, they should not speak of him at all in the world! There is no one to speak with! He is opposition - - like the Country of Money (* Legendary Tales of Rabbi Nachman, Story 12 of a Prayer Leader) – he speaks against our faith (- in money) - - it can't be anyone else – this must be the Prayer Leader! *** [In a conversation about the songs of the Breslover Chasidim, he sings “Unu Bikoach” as is the custom to sing it on Chanuka, repeating every word seven times. And afterwards “Bimoatzu-ay Yoam Minoocha” and “Chadaish Sisoanee” which are are sung Saturday night after Shabbos. And afterwards he spoke of the song “Adeer U-yoam Vinoaru”] “Adeer <Mighty One> U-yoam <Fearsome> viNoaru <and Awesome>” - - it is known, probably also now it is sung this way, this is intentional. This is such an arousal – it is brought in the letters (* Ullim Litrufah, letter 163, Tuesday of the Torah Portion of Mishpatim 5595 – they were dancing from the midst of great screaming to Hashem Yisburach, with a wondrous song which very much breaks the heart...) – Rabbi Nussun was – in the time of strife, he was in Tirhavitza, they danced with this song (he sings:), “Adeer <Mighty One> U-yoam <Fearsome> viNoaru <and Awesome>, Batzar lee <when I am in difficulty> lichu <to You> ekra <I call>, Hashem lee <is for me> viloa eIera <and I will not fear>, lee viloa eera <is for me, and I will not fear>.” they were nebach (pitifully) “bitzar” (in difficulty) – Rabbi Nussun with his men, they were in dire dangers, many fell out, they did not go to Rabbi Nussun'en – they had fear, there were some that had mesiras nefesh (self sacrifice) – who did not look (-pay attention) – one needs parnassa (a livelihood)?! - There is no force in the world that can separate, but that is the way it was then - - (he continues to sing the song). Ah, “Piday (redeem) amchu (Your nation) mayazim (from the brazen),” the brazen faced – they were so brazen - “piday (redeem) amchu (Your nation) mayazim (from the brazen),” - in Tirhavitza they danced a lot over “piday (redeem) amchu (Your nation) mayazim (from the brazen).”… * (Singing in the way that today is sung on the last verses of the song Al Teerah Avdee Yaakov) “Umar Hashem Li-Yaakov (Hashem said to Jacob),” yeah Tatteh (Father) yeah, yeah Futter (Father) yeah, “Al teerah (do not fear) avdee (my servant) Yaakov,” no Tatteh no, no Futter no, mir hubben dach far kaynim moarah nisht (we have no one to have any fear of), nor (except) far deer alain (from You alone). “Buchar Hashem Bi-Yaakov (Hashem chose Jacob)” - yeah Tatteh yeah, yeah Futter yeah, “Al teerah (do not fear) avdee (my servant) Yaakov,” no Tatteh no, no Futter no, mir hubben dach far kaynim moarah nisht (we have no one to have any fear of), nor (except) far deer alain (from You alone) - - I remember, we had such a type of arousal, I did not get tired, every piece over again; no – no [no Tatteh no, no Futter no]. It ingrained in me such faith, such faith and joy – (he sings:) “Al teerah (do not fear) avdee (my servant) Yaakov,” no Tatteh no, no Futter no, mir hubben dach far kaynim moarah nisht (we have no one to have any fear of), nor (except) far deer alain (from You alone). “Gu-al Hashem es Yaakov (Hashem redeemed Jacob),” Yeah Tatteh yeah, yeah Futter yeah, “Al teerah (do not fear) avdee (my servant) Yaakov,” no Tatteh no, no Futter no, mir hubben dach far kaynim moarah nisht (we have no one to have any fear of), nor (except) far deer alain (from You alone). “Gu-al Hashem es Yaakov (Hashem redeemed Jacob),” ay ay ay – HY redeemed us in every generation – with the Righteous Redeemer, the true redeemer, “Gu-al Hashem es Yaakov!” (He sings:) “Gu-al Hashem es Yaakov (Hashem redeemed Jacob),” Yeah Tatteh yeah, yeah Futter yeah, “Al teerah (do not fear) avdee (my servant) Yaakov,” no Tatteh no, no Futter no, mir hubben dach far kaynim moarah nisht (we have no one to have any fear of), nor (except) far deer alain (from You alone) - mir hubben dach far kaynim moarah nisht (we have no one to have any fear of), nor (except) far deer alain (from You alone). This song is such a type of hisbodidus - “mir hubben dach far kaynim moarah nisht (we have no one to have any fear of), nor (except) far deer alain (from You alone)!” This is what we must know when we speak with Hashem Yisburach, meaning; we still have not reached there, we are still far from it, but we long for it, and we say it verbally; “mir hubben dach far kaynim moarah nisht (we have no one to have any fear of), nor (except) far deer alain (from You alone)!” *