קכט

Overview: Sunday, 10 Tevet — the fast of the siege of Yerushalayim. Reb Nussun is weak and confined to bed, praying while lying down. Five fascicles of the new book sent — one from the beginning in order, four from the current place. The Shabbos teaching: every person needs much counsel to save their soul. *Chazar Torah chadi Rabbi Shimon* — the Torah of Rashbi's joy repeated, with wondrous novel insights. The manuscript note (Letter 129) reveals this is the Shabbos before a very serious physical episode.

Your letter I received — and it was a comfort to me. And know — praised be G-d — that Hashem Yisborach in His mercies helped me and I have returned to my former strength — praised be G-d. And what passes over me each day — it is impossible to speak of at all — for we have heard much that Mashiach will tell each person what passed over him each day — and by implication — he who carries more people upon him — more happens with him. May Hashem Yisborach have mercy upon me and save me in all that I need to be saved — for regarding me it is said:

To: Peace to my beloved son, my dear one — may his light shine. [Yitzchok] Your letter I received — and it was a comfort to me.

And know — praised be G-d — that Hashem Yisborach in His mercies helped me and I have returned to

my former strength — praised be G-d. And what passes over me each day — it is impossible to speak of at all — for we have heard much that Mashiach will tell each person what passed over him each day — and by implication — he who carries more people upon him — more happens with him. May Hashem Yisborach have mercy upon me and save me in all that I need to be saved — for regarding me it is said: I am sleepless and I have become like a lonely bird on a rooftop [שָׁקַדְתִּי וָאֶהְיֶה כְּצִפּוֹר בּוֹדֵד עַל גָּג — Tehillim 102:8: the Psalm of the afflicted person whose strength is broken. "I am sleepless and have become like a lonely bird on a rooftop" — the image of the solitary vigil: a single bird alone on a rooftop, isolated in suffering] [Tehillim 102:8] — for I know what I know [שֶׁאֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ מַה שֶּׁאֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ — a deliberate studied ambiguity working simultaneously in two directions: (1) I know — in the fullest awareness — the weight of the pursuits against me; and (2) I know — in gratitude — what I know in His kindness and great mercies that sustains me. The phrase is not merely "I am aware" but a rhetorical closure that withholds the full content in both directions: the severity of the affliction and the depth of the gratitude for the kindness that sustains him despite it are both unreportable. The silence says more than explication] — in His kindness and great mercies — and my pursuits are almost without measure. Although everything is through wondrous kindnesses — even so — the porter's strength has given out [כָּשַׁל כֹּחַ הַסַּבָּל — Nechemiah 4:4 and Talmudic usage: the porter who bears a heavy load and whose strength has failed under the weight. Even with divine help, the body's strength is finite]. And on the past Shabbos there were guests — my in-law Rabbi Shlomo and his son Rabbi Itzele from Hayisin — and Rabbi Yaakov from Kevar — may his light shine. And on Friday night I sat at the table — and we spoke true and pleasant words as our way — flowing from where they flow. And on Shabbos day at the start of the morning meal my bowel pain [מֵחוּשׁ שֶׁלִּי בַּמֵּעַיִם — the copyist's marginal note: this is the condition from which Reb Nussun eventually passed away in the year 5605 (1844)] came upon me. And afterwards I recited the grace after meals and slept a little in His kindness. And immediately upon awakening the pain intensified greatly — and I sat confused until very close to Minchah. And I did not know at all what to do — for I had very wondrous things — and the sufferings sought to confuse me — but Hashem Yisborach in His kindness did not abandon me — and He did wonders of kindness with me — and from the heavens He supported me very close to evening — and He also added His kindness and helped me to say in public all that He had graced me with — and praised be G-d the things were very wondrous. And in the morning upon awakening — which was the 10th of Tevet — I became weak — my strength utterly failed me — I could almost not walk — and I was compelled to pray while lying down. And with great difficulty I went to the house of study to perform the circumcision for the son of Rabbi Chayyim ben Rabbi Yaakov the proofreader. And I returned home and lay in weakness until evening. And on Monday — praised be G-d — there was a change for the better. And behold — I could not restrain myself from writing a little of what passed over me. And certainly this is not even a drop from the sea — for the essential suffering is in the matter of divine service. And what passed through the entire week — it is certainly impossible to explain — and were it not for Your Torah which is my delight — I would then have perished in my affliction [לוּלֵא תוֹרָתְךָ שַׁעֲשֻׁעָי — Tehillim 119:92: cited already in Letter 116 as the essential sustainer. Here as personal testimony: without Torah — the Rebbe's Torah specifically — Reb Nussun would not have survived what he has endured] [Tehillim 119:92]. And this morning I felt afresh how very much one must bless the blessing of Torah with joy — who has chosen us and has given us His Torah [אֲשֶׁר בָּחַר בָּנוּ... וְנָתַן לָנוּ אֶת תּוֹרָתוֹ — the *Birkas HaTorah* — the morning blessing over Torah. The morning

realization: this blessing must be said with genuine joy — because without Torah life cannot be sustained. The *Birkas HaTorah* is not a routine formula but a recognition of one's own survival] — for without Torah I do not know how one can live. And even now — through Torah and prayer — I can exhaust my remaining days and breaths of life. And for every sacred breath one must praise Hashem, Yisborach [עַל כָּל נְשִׁימָה וּנְשִׁימָה דִּקְדֻשָּׁה — not simply "for every breath" but for every *breath of holiness* — every breath dedicated to Torah, prayer, and good deeds. Each such breath is a gift requiring its own act of praise, expanding Tehillim 150:6 (*kol haneshama t'hallel Ya*) into a precise qualitative category]. For they have surrounded me — surrounded me from every side — but Hashem Yisborach did not abandon me to their hand — and they leave us each time the breath to breathe. And I have departed from my normal practice to write you a little of my sufferings — because they weigh upon my heart — I said: I will speak and it will ease me. And perhaps you can understand from this hints to strengthen yourself. For behold — even so Hashem Yisborach helps me to compose such holy books in His great kindness — and to speak with people to draw them near to Hashem. May Hashem add to them — like them and like them — thousand thousands — tens of thousands times ten thousands [יוֹסִיף ה' כָּהֵם וְכָהֵם אֶלֶף אֲלָפִים — Tehillim 115:14 amplified: may all the holy words and deeds be multiplied by Hashem a thousand-thousand times]. Who has acted and performed such wonders as these — which could not be believed if told — except the One who calls the generations from the beginning [מִי פָּעַל וְעָשָׂה... כִּי אִם קוֹרֵא הַדּוֹרוֹת מֵרֹאשׁ — Yeshayahu 41:4: "who has wrought and done — calling the generations from the beginning." Only the One who summons all of history from its

beginning could bring about such wonders] [Yeshayahu 41:4]. And similarly Hashem Yisborach does wondrous kindnesses with you and with all those who shelter in his holy shade — as I see many times in your letter — that even so you are conversing your private conversation through our awesome prayers and in the study of the holy Torah. Be strong, my son — be strong. And do all that your hand finds to do — and do what you can to strengthen yourself and to gladden your soul. For the essential suffering of mine is the melancholy [עִקַּר הַיִּסּוּרִים שֶׁלִּי הוּא הַמָּרָה שְׁחוֹרָה — one of the most significant personal disclosures in the entire collection. Reb Nussun names his primary affliction explicitly: *marah sh'chorah* — melancholy, literally "black bile," the traditional term for the condition of spiritual and emotional depression. This is not incidental. All the physical ailments, financial distress, and community burdens are secondary to this. The one who transmits the entire Breslov teaching of joy as the primary form of divine service names his own primary battle as the battle against melancholy. The teaching of joy arises from within the depths of the very condition it seeks to overcome] — but Hashem Yisborach helped me — and will help me to gladden your soul

in His salvation always. And there is no time to extend further. The words of your father — who awaits salvation. Nussun of Breslov. [Translator's Note: Overview: Eve of Monday, Parshas Vayechi. *Shakadti va'ehyeh k'tzipor boded al gag* (Tehillim 102:8). *Ani yodea mah she'ani yodea*: now identified as deliberate studied ambiguity in two directions — the depth of the pursuits and the depth of the gratitude for sustaining kindness are both unreportable. *Kashal koach hasabal*. Shabbos physical collapse. *Lulei sorascha sha'ashuai* (Tehillim 119:92). *Birkas HaTorah* with joy. *Al kol neshimah dikedushahtzrichin l'hallel*. *Yosif Hashem kahem* (Tehillim 115:14 amplified). *Mi pa'al v'asah* (Yeshayahu 41:4). *Marah sh'chorah*: now identified as the explicit naming of Reb Nussun's primary affliction — the source and ground of all Breslov joy-teaching. Key Themes Ani Yodea Mah She'ani Yodea — Dual Ambiguity "I know what I know" — a studied ambiguity working in two directions: the depth of the pursuits against him, and the depth of the gratitude for the sustaining kindness. Both are unreportable. The silence says more than explication in either direction.]

Nussun of Breslov.