אות - קע

I heard from Rabbi Yudel, may the memory of the Tzadik be for blessing, who said he heard from Rabbainu o.b.m. that he boasted: it is a great novelty that a young man such as him would break so completely all desires — this is not found at all. For there are found several Tzadikim who emerged from the desires — but they did not emerge completely until the time of their old age. And he took as examples several great Tzadikim and said he knows they did not emerge from the desires until they came in years. But a young man in years like me — truly in the days of youth and childhood — who would break all the desires so completely as I have — this is not found at all. And see above (346) that literally in his childhood days, before he was twenty years old, he had already broken and nullified all desires in complete nullification. And he began to tell then how he is far from all desires. And he said: to eat has become entirely loathsome to him, and when the time for eating comes it is very hard and heavy for him. And when he remembers what is made from the eating it is very very loathsome to him to eat — and he is compelled at eating time to distract his mind. And therefore he sometimes speaks during eating — so that he can in distraction of mind snatch some little eating into his body for the sustenance of the body — for eating is very hard and loathsome to him (347). And in the matter of the desire of intercourse — "in this I am a wondrous novelty" — and this has already been explained elsewhere (348). 346. RAK: See Shivchay HaRan 25. 347. RAK: See Chayai Moharan, Service of Hashem, 107. 348. RAK: See Chayai Moharan, Service of Hashem, and in other places.