קכח

I was forgotten like a dead man from the heart — I became like a lost vessel [Psalms 31:13]. I have wandered like a lost sheep — seek Your servant; for Your commandments I have not forgotten [Psalms 119:176]. Master of the Universe — O that I were as in months of old — as in the days when G‑d watched over me; when His lamp shone over my head — by His light I walked through darkness [Job 29:2–3]. Full of mercy: You know all the attainments and the knowledge that my soul knew and attained before it went out into the air of this world — in the time I was in my mother's womb during the nine months of gestation. For there was a lamp burning over my head and I was gazing by its light from one end of the world to the other [Niddah 30b]. And when it went out into the air of the world — immediately all this great light was forgotten and lost from me. And I need all the days of my life to seek and to search after this. To search and to seek with all my power after my lost thing that I lost and that I forgot. And I — through the immensity of my materiality and my stubbornness: not only have I not striven to search and to seek as is fitting after my lost thing; but also I did the very opposite — for I followed after the desire of my heart and multiplied sin and transgression against You; through which I further lost even more with my own hands; until I grew so distanced from You as I have grown distanced; and all the goodness of my soul was forgotten and lost from me — all the eternal good; all the true good. And I know no way at all how to seek and to search after my lost thing; my very many lost things — for I have almost lost myself entirely; G‑d forbid. Had Hashem not been my help — my soul would almost have dwelt in silence [Psalms 94:17]. Had Your Torah not been my delight — I would then have perished in my affliction [Psalms 119:92]. And now what shall I do and what shall I effect? Master of the Universe — Knower of hidden things to the infinite depth; Watcher of secrets; Who watches and gazes to the end of all generations: You alone know where all my many lost things are. And through Your great lovingkindness You had compassion upon us with very great and abundant compassion; and You revealed to us that all the lost things of each and every one are with the true tzadikim. But through our many iniquities — we are very far from the true tzadikim; with whom all our lost things are; and we have no one who knows to any degree who is the true tzadik — with whom all our lost things are. And all the more so we know no way how to seek and to search by him after all our many and immense lost things of each and every one. Full of mercy — open Your eyes and see our desolation; that we walk like those who wander and have nothing to seek in; like orphans with no father; like the impure who have no one to purify them; like the poor who have none to be gracious to them. I raise my eyes to the mountains — from where shall my help come? [Psalms 121:1]. Whither am I driven to seek help; to whom among the holy ones shall I turn? And I said: my eternity and my hope have perished from Hashem [Lamentations 3:18]. This I shall bring back to my heart — therefore I shall hope. The lovingkindnesses of Hashem — for they are not exhausted; for His mercies have not ceased [Lamentations 3:21–22]. Therefore I have come before You — true Master of mercies: that You have mercy upon me for Your Name's sake; and have pity and compassion upon me through the immensity of Your compassion; may Your innards move and Your mercies be aroused upon me. And may You open my eyes speedily — that I merit to see and to know the true tzadik — with whom all my lost things are. And may I merit to break all the obstacles and to draw close to him speedily. And through Your mercies may You assist me — that I merit to toil and to labor and to strive with all my power all my days — to seek and to search by him after all my lost things that I lost from my very beginning until this very day; until I merit to find them in my lifetime speedily; in such a manner that I merit to return to You in truth — to know You and to draw close to You and to cleave to You in truth. And may You guard me and save me from now — that I not lose any further lost thing at all from now and forever. Have mercy upon me for Your Name's sake; have pity upon the prayer of the destitute one [ha'ar'ar] such as I today; as it is written: He has turned to the prayer of the destitute — and has not despised their prayer [Psalms 102:18]. And it is written: For He has not despised nor disdained the affliction of the poor; and has not hidden His face from him — and when he cried to Him, He heard [Psalms 22:25]. Make known to me the path of life — the fullness of joys before Your face; pleasantness at Your right hand forever [Psalms 16:11]. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable before You — Hashem, my Rock and my Redeemer [Psalms 19:15]. Amen and Amen.