The Longing for Jerusalem — "When Will I Merit to Be There With You?"

[Yiddish:] "I would already very much like to be out of here — what I cannot express in words: how I cannot bear to be here. Oh — when will I already merit to be in Jerusalem, the Holy City, together with you? My journey depends on my having a private little room — so that I could at least once reckon properly where I stand in this world and find some rest. As Rabbainu the holy one, of blessed memory, writes: that dwelling in a private room alone is also very good [a reference to a teaching of Rabbainu that privacy and seclusion even in physical dwelling aids the soul's inner life — parallel to the teaching on hisbodidus], and only to live even in straits, as long as one can learn and pray — therefore I ask of your honor." [Hebrew parenthetical immediately following:] (The material world makes a ruin of me — very, very much. I have almost no one with whom to say even a word of Torah, and especially to study. Now it is even worse than before — strife in the yeshivah; one cannot study because of the strife. And it is very bitter for me. It is a great compassion upon me — what am I doing with these precious years of mine? Alas — what does one do? How does one save oneself from the evil inclination? Alas — it is bitter! Have compassion on me and pray for me every day, and also send to Uman that they should pray for me. I would already like to leave here — what I cannot fully express: how I cannot bear to be here. Oh — when will I merit to be in Jerusalem, the Holy City, together with you? My journey depends on this: that I have a private dwelling where I can at least once reckon properly where I stand in the world, and be able to rest — as Rabbainu the holy one, of blessed memory, writes: that dwelling in a private room alone is also very good. And only to live even in straits — the main thing is to learn and to pray. Therefore I ask of your honor:) When G‑d, blessed be He, helps him to be able to look into this — let him look into it, and speak with R' Zerach on my behalf, and perhaps also with Rav Kook; and perhaps regarding a room of one cubit by one cubit. And I am ready and prepared, G‑d willing, to fulfill everything that your honor wrote to me in the letter. And tomorrow — the half-month [the 15th of the month, when the moon is full] — I will go, G‑d willing, to the graves of Rabbainu the holy Ari and the holy Tinoka [הינוקא — "the child": the son of the Ari who is buried alongside him in Tzfas], etc. And G‑d willing, on the eve of Rosh Chodesh Kislev I will be in Meron — and I will pray on behalf of your honor there.

And Hashem helped me: when I was still a young man I began to search for the true path — for drawing close to Hashem. And already by then I was full of the Chassidus of [redacted] — and the [primary teaching of] [redacted] was almost constantly on my lips, [שגור על פי — "fluent on the lips / constantly on the lips." A fixed Hebrew idiom for something so thoroughly internalized that it comes out automatically, without effort — the way a person recites something they know by heart. The author is saying the central teaching of his birth tradition was as natural to him as breathing — and still his soul remained unquenched.] and the other books of [redacted] — all of them — for my father, may his light shine, had been diligently studying with me in this from my very childhood.

And despite all this, I did not quench my thirst [לא הרויתי צמאוני — "I did not quench / satisfy my thirst." A vivid image: the soul's deep thirst for G-d — like physical thirst — that cannot be suppressed. No matter how much he learned and prayed within his birth tradition, his deepest spiritual thirst remained parched and unsatisfied.] — and I had from it no truly genuine salvation [ישועה אמיתיית — a doubly emphatic form: not merely "true salvation" but "truly genuine salvation" — the word אמיתיית is a strengthened, intensified form of amitis, conveying that the salvation he needed was not only real but deeply, authentically real — touching the innermost core of his soul's need. This is not intellectual dissatisfaction but existential hunger.] for drawing close to the service of Hashem.

And I searched for some years through all the books of Chassidus of all kinds of Tzaddikim — and through all the books of moral instruction (mussar) [Mussar — מוסר — the Jewish tradition of ethical self-improvement and character refinement, with a vast literature from medieval through modern times. The author searched through this entire library as well.] — and through the holy Zohar [The Zohar — the foundational text of Kabbalah, attributed to Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai] — and through other holy books. And I toiled and labored in them and served Hashem through them. But a complete salvation for the pains and agonies of my soul [מכאובי נפשי — "the pains and agonies of my soul" — מכאוב is a strong word for pain, anguish, suffering — more intense than merely "pain." It is the word used in Isaiah 53:3 for the suffering of the servant of G-d: "a man of pains, acquainted with illness." The author uses the same word for his own spiritual anguish.] I did not find.

And I cried out in those years from heart and soul to Hashem every single day. And I went to holy places — and in particular to the divine Tanna, Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit protect us — and I poured out my heart in tears and with self-sacrifice, for days and years —

— until Hashem had mercy upon me. And I found only a single torn page from the books of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל — which was lying among the Divine Names [Sheimos — שמות — holy texts containing the names of G-d that may not be thrown away but must be buried respectfully. The torn page was lying in such a collection of sacred discards tumbled in the street — yet this is precisely where G-d placed it for the author to find. A striking and tender providence.] that roll about in the streets. [שמות שמתגלגלים ברחובות — "Divine Names that roll about in the streets" — scraps of holy text gathering in alleyways before collection for burial. From this holy rubble, one torn page of Rabbi Nachman's teachings emerged and changed the author's life.] And I read this page — and it literally illuminated my eyes and my heart and revived my soul.

And from that moment I began to search after these books. And with great difficulty — after toiling for days and years — I acquired the books of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל, spending and pouring money on this. [בבזבוז כסף — "spending lavishly / pouring money on this." The word בזבוז implies spending freely without counting the cost — he paid whatever was asked, regardless of what it took from him personally, because the books were beyond price to him.] And each and every book came to me through longings and yearning and miracles and supplication and prayer to Hashem. [Five distinct elements: בכסופין (with longings) — והשתוקקות (and intense yearning) — ונסים (and miracles) — ובקשה (and supplication) — ותפלה (and prayer). Each book's acquisition was itself a miraculous story — not purchased from a shop, but sought out through prayer and longing, arriving through extraordinary divine providence. In post-war Israel, Breslov books were extremely rare.]

And the divine vitality [Chayus elokus — חיות אלקות — "divine vitality / G-dly life-force." Not merely intellectual satisfaction or emotional uplift — a tangible experience of divine aliveness flooding through him as he studied.] that I felt in them — it is impossible to estimate. Would that in the World to Come I have no less vitality than this. [הלוואי — "would that / if only." A heartfelt wish: would that the World to Come be at least as vivid, as alive, as filled with divine light as the experience of first reading those books. This is a statement of staggering spiritual intensity.]

And afterward Hashem helped me — and I began to see people of our fellowship [Anshei shelomaynu — אנ"ש — "the people of our fellowship / our people of peace" — the warm Breslov term for fellow Breslov Chassidim; see Letter 1] who came to Miron for Lag B'Omer: R' Alter ben Tzion זצ"ל — my teacher — and some other companions. And a bond of love formed between us. And then — at the tomb of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit protect us — I began to draw close and become bound to our master the Rebbe זצ"ל with self-sacrifice.

And the vitality that was then — and the love for our master the Rebbe זצ"ל and for Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit protect us, and for the companions — it is impossible to estimate in the mind at all. Such vitality — before which all the pleasures of the world are utterly null and void — literally a taste of the World to Come: a great light and great vitality beyond all estimation. And then I felt the power of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל.

And from that time I suffered greatly on behalf of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל — for my self-sacrifice, and the obstacles and blockages placed against me, [ומניעות שלי — "and my obstacles / the blockages placed against me." Meni'os — מניעות — are specifically impediments and obstructions: things that blocked his path, prevented him from moving forward, blocked his livelihood and his spiritual work. Distinct from the humiliations and physical danger that follow in the list.] and the humiliations, and the literal bloodshed: [שפיכת דמים ממש — "literal bloodshed." The author states plainly that his commitment to Breslov nearly cost him his life. The persecution was physical as well as social.] the entire city of Tzfat and Tiberias — where there were many opponents [Mitnagdim — מתנגדים — "opponents" — those opposed to the Chassidic movement, or specifically to Breslov. In the early years of Breslov in the Land of Israel, opposition was fierce and sometimes violent.] — raged against me and wanted to swallow me whole, and I was unable to walk in the street.

And my mother was weeping from the humiliation brought upon her and crying out: "They murdered my son and didn't finish him off —" [Footnote marker ⁵ in the original — indicating the following phrase is in Yiddish, provided immediately after in the text] "only he keeps on tormenting himself." [רק ער מוטשיט זיך — nor er mutsht zikh — "only he keeps tormenting himself / he just suffers on and on." The mother's anguished cry captures everything: from her perspective her son has been destroyed socially and physically by his Breslov commitment — and he just keeps going, enduring it all, inflicting ongoing suffering on himself and the family. Her love and her incomprehension are both present in this single phrase. The author's own Hebrew translation in the text reads: רק הוא מתייסר — "only he is suffering / being afflicted."]

And my father, may his light shine, wept and wailed in grief [ויילל — va'yeyalel — "and wailed / keened / howled in grief." The strongest Hebrew word for grief-crying — beyond ordinary weeping. Used in Lamentations and the prophets for the most acute expressions of grief and mourning.] over me — and completely stopped speaking to me. And for several years there was an iron wall between me and my family — completely — all solely because I had become a Breslov Chassid. [קיר ברזל — "an iron wall" — total severance, impenetrable silence. The price of choosing the Breslov path was, for him, his entire family.]

And until this very day I continue to suffer what I suffer — solely because I love our master the Rebbe זצ"ל and wish to be truly bound to him, and to act for the spreading of his teachings in the world. [הפצת דעתו בעולם — "the spreading of his teachings / his knowledge / his mind in the world." Da'as — דעת — here means the Rebbe's entire body of thought, his worldview, his teachings — everything that constitutes what Rabbi Nachman knew and revealed. The author's life mission is to spread this into the world.] And because of this the ba'al davar [Ba'al davar — בעל דבר — "the one who has a claim / the accusing party" — a legal term from halachah (one who is party to a dispute), used in Breslov to refer to the spiritual adversary, the force that opposes and persecutes through human agents.] takes revenge upon me — and every single time sets other people against me to cause me distress. But Hashem's hand is always uppermost — and He will certainly always help me and save me for the sake of the honor of His Name. [על דבר כבוד שמו — "for the sake of / concerning the honor of His Name." G-d helps not merely out of personal mercy to the author, but because the author's work is for the honor of G-d's Name — and G-d's Name's honor demands that this work succeed.] In any case — I could have had an income by studying [redacted] in our kollel [Kollel — כולל — a fellowship of married Torah scholars supported by a stipend to study full-time. Many Chassidic communities had their own kollelim. The offer: study our material, affiliate with our group, and receive a salary.] of [redacted] — like all the men of the kollel. But I did not wish to mix into my mind any other Chassidus — for I have only one Rebbe and he is my life — and I will not sell myself as a slave for a piece of bread, [לא אמכור את עצמי לעבד עבור חתיכת לחם — "I will not sell myself as a slave for a piece of bread." He refused to affiliate with a group he did not believe in, even to secure his livelihood. He preferred poverty with spiritual integrity over comfort with compromise.] as brought in Sipuray Maasiyos in the story of the children who were exchanged — see there. [A reference to Rabbi Nachman's story "The Exchanged Children" — in which a prince raised as a servant refuses to abandon his true royal identity even in the depths of servitude. The author identifies with this figure: he is a servant of the King of kings, and will not sell his true spiritual identity for material comfort.] And from that time I have suffered in my livelihood — for the kollel distances me. And also because I do not wish to do anything in this world — anything at all — except for our master the Rebbe זצ"ל. And the other holy books that I am gathering and laboring over [שהנני מקבץ וטורח בהם — "that I am gathering and laboring over / toiling in." מקבץ means actively collecting and assembling — the author is a compiler and curator of Breslov material. וטורח — toiling — the labor is arduous and constant.] — so that they will be able to do good for all who wish to walk in their ways — so that they may merit to live good lives in this world and in the World to Come. And to break the bad character traits and bad desires. And to snatch the service of Hashem [ויחטוף עבודת השם — "and snatch / grab the service of G-d." The same urgent verb חטף (to snatch, grab quickly) used throughout this letter — conveying that time in this world is short, precious, and one must grab whatever one can before the moment passes.] in this passing world — what one can — whether Torah, whether prayer and Psalms and supplications and hisbodidus, and whether commandments and good deeds. And this is my entire aspiration and desire and will — both for myself: to do this — to snatch whatever learning of the books of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל I can snatch — which are the Torah of the future era, the Torah of the Ancient, the Ancient of Days, [תורה של עתיקא עתיק יומין — "Torah of the Ancient, the Ancient of Days." Two Kabbalistic titles layered together: Atika (עתיקא) — the Ancient One, the most concealed level of the divine — and Atik Yomin (עתיק יומין) — "the Ancient of Days," from Daniel 7:9, the highest, most transcendent aspect of the divine. The Rebbe's Torah is described as drawing from this supreme, pre-creation source.] and the other holy books — and whether prayer and Psalms and commandments — — and also to bring merit to the world through this: all who wish to merit through it — to purchase the books and study them and serve Hashem through them. For this is the very essence — and the entire world is vanity of vanities, [הבל הבלים — vanity of vanities — the opening declaration of Ecclesiastes (1:2). The entire world is fleeting, empty of permanent substance — nothing remains of a person except whatever good he spiritually grasped and earned while here.] and nothing remains of a person except whatever good he snatched in the world. And regarding the printing of the book — thank G-d, after much toil and heavenly assistance [Siyata d'Shemaya — סייעתא דשמייא — Aramaic: "assistance from Heaven" — divine help that comes in practical, often unexpected ways to enable a sacred project to proceed] I have already contracted with a printer to print it. And he insists on printing the entire book together — and even a third of it, even for double the money, he would not print. [ורק שליש אפי' בכפל כסף לא ידפיס — "and even a third — even for double the money — he would not print." The printer's condition: all or nothing. He refused to take partial print runs under any financial arrangement.] And we have already approached all the printing houses and none of them were willing at all to print the book — because of the difficulty of the commentaries and the manuscript [The book contains handwritten material and complex commentary layouts that most printers found technically daunting. The author had to search extensively before finding a printer willing to take it on.] — which is harder to print than another book that is already in [standard] print — until Hashem helped me to conclude [the arrangement] with this printer. And with G-d's help he will begin printing on the first day of the week of Parshas Ekev. [א' עקב להדפיס — "the first [day] of Ekev to print." Ekev — עקב — is the Torah portion immediately following Va'eschanan (the portion of this letter's date). "The first of Ekev" means the first day of the week in which Parshas Ekev is read — i.e., Sunday of that week — not "the month of Av" as previously mistranslated. This is a precise calendar reference: printing will begin on a specific Sunday in late summer, the week of Parshas Ekev.] And we concluded that within three or four months — no later — the book will be completely finished. And each sheet [Galyon — גליון — a printer's sheet: a large sheet of paper printed on both sides and folded to produce multiple pages; the unit by which printing cost is calculated] — [half of what I printed for the introduction] — is approximately 85 liras with the commentaries, and 65 without the commentaries. And they will calculate how many pages there are with commentaries and how many without — apart from the paper, which also requires approximately 20 liras per sheet. And behold — right now tremendous self-sacrifice is required for the completion of the entire book. And I know only to look to Hashem — with my very eyes — that He will grant merit to whoever needs to merit this — for there is no merit like it. And the merit for the multitudes will be dependent upon it for all eternity. May Hashem grant us the merit for this — that we may merit [it]. So may it be His will. Amen. [אכי"ר = אמן כן יהי רצון — "Amen, so may it be His will"] This fourth letter is the most personally revealing of the entire collection so far. Written from Jerusalem (not Miron) on a Thursday during the summer — the week of Parshas Va'eschanan — it is prompted by the recipient's question about whether to study with another Chassidic group. The author's answer opens into an extraordinary spiritual autobiography. The redacted Chassidic movement: The author replaces the name of his birth tradition with ellipses throughout — out of respect, not hostility. The reference to the Tzemach Tzedek (§3) identifies it as Chabad-Lubavitch. His point is not that this path is wrong — but that for him personally, only Rabbi Nachman's path quenched his soul's thirst. The central teaching (§§11–17): Do not mix. The ba'al davar specifically targets closeness to the Rebbe — offering attractive alternatives to pull a person away. Be strong in your da'as. Forgive the ba'al davar all his claims. Hold fast. The five singular world-souls: Moses → Rashbi → Arizal → Ba'al Shem Tov → Rabbi Nachman — until the Messiah. Printing update (§§18–19): Printer contracted. Printing begins the first Sunday of Parshas Ekev. Completed within three to four months. Cost: 85 liras per sheet with commentaries, 65 without, plus 20 for paper. Key terms in this letter: Tzaddik ha'amiti — the true Tzaddik; the singular cosmic soul of the generation · Yechidei hadorot — the unique singular ones of the generations · Shagur al pi — constantly on the lips; deeply internalized · Yeshuah amitis — a truly genuine salvation · Chayus elokus — divine vitality; the tangible experience of G-dly aliveness · Meni'os — obstacles and blockages placed against one's path · Ba'al davar — the spiritual adversary · Rach"al — "may the Merciful One save us" — an exclamation of dread · Poresh et atzmo — actively withdrawing and separating oneself · Da'as — deep settled knowing; unshakeable existential conviction · Hiskarvus / ahavah / hiskasherus — the three deepening levels of relationship with the Tzaddik · Atika / Atik Yomin — the Ancient / Ancient of Days; the transcendent divine source of the Rebbe's Torah · Parshas Ekev — the Torah portion marking the start of printing