The Longing for Jerusalem — "When Will I Merit to Be There With You?"

Peace and blessing and all good things, forever — to his honor, my friend, my dear, and my beloved, who yearns for the service of Hashem and for drawing close to the true Tzaddik [Tzaddik ha'amiti — הצדיק האמיתי — "the true Tzaddik." In Breslov thought there is a distinction between ordinary righteous people and the singular "true Tzaddik" of each generation — a unique soul of cosmic stature whose entire being is a channel of divine light for the generation. Rabbi Nachman taught emphatically that one cannot draw close to G-d in truth without drawing close to the true Tzaddik. This theme runs through the entire letter.] — for it is impossible in any way whatsoever to truly draw close to the service of Hashem except through drawing close to the true Tzaddik. May Hashem grant him the merit that he should be close to and bound to the true Tzaddik with his whole heart and soul — for there is no other success — neither in this world, nor in the World to Come, nor in the future era — greater than this success. [Three time-horizons are named: this world (עוה"ז), the World to Come (עוה"ב), and the future era (לעתיד לבא — the Messianic age). Drawing close to the true Tzaddik is declared the supreme success across all three — the most important thing a person can do in any dimension of existence.] My exalted and honored friend, and so on — our master and teacher Rabbi Avraham Yakovitch, may his light shine. After inquiring after his precious wellbeing with great and mighty love. [באהבה רבה ועזה — "with great and mighty love." In this letter the usual formula "with great love" is intensified by ועזה — "and mighty / fierce / powerful." The addition is the author's own, reflecting the deepening warmth of this friendship.] As for our own wellbeing — thanks be to Hashem.

To be sure, I received all his letters. And now — regarding his question of whether he should study with the Chassidim of [name redacted by author — see note below] — and so on and so forth — let his honor believe me: for this very thing — to study [redacted] and the Chassidus of [redacted] — I lost greatly, for approximately thirty-five years. Almost all of my livelihood could have come from it. [The author reveals that his own family background was in another Chassidic movement — one he declines to name, apparently out of respect and discretion. From the context (see §2 below — the reference to the Tzemach Tzedek as his great-grandfather's teacher) it is clear the family tradition was Chabad-Lubavitch. He does not name it out of respect, not hostility.]

For I was born from Chassidim of [redacted] — and my father, may his light shine, the great Torah scholar, [הרה"ג = הרב הגאון — "the Rabbi, the Gaon" — a title given to a Torah scholar of exceptional stature and erudition. The author's father held rabbinic office and was considered a great Torah authority.] is a rabbi and a great man in [redacted] — and my grandfather זצ"ל was among the most ardent Chassidim of [redacted] — and my great-grandfather זצ"ל was an outstanding disciple of the holy Tzaddik, the Tzemach Tzedek זצ"ל. [The Tzemach Tzedek — הצ"צ — Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneersohn (1789–1866), the third Rebbe of Chabad-Lubavitch, known by the title of his major halachic work Tzemach Tzedek. This confirms that the redacted Chassidic tradition is Chabad-Lubavitch, going back four generations in the author's family.]

The Author's Personal Spiritual Journey — a rare and precious autobiographical account And Hashem helped me: when I was still a young man I began to search for the true path — for drawing close to Hashem. And already by then I was full of the Chassidus of [redacted] — and the [primary teaching of] [redacted] was almost constantly on my lips, [שגור על פי — "fluent on the lips / constantly on the lips." A fixed Hebrew idiom for something so thoroughly internalized that it comes out automatically, without effort — the way a person recites something they know by heart. The author is saying the central teaching of his birth tradition was as natural to him as breathing — and still his soul remained unquenched.] and the other books of [redacted] — all of them — for my father, may his light shine, had been diligently studying with me in this from my very childhood. And despite all this, I did not quench my thirst [לא הרויתי צמאוני — "I did not quench / satisfy my thirst." A vivid image: the soul's deep thirst for G-d — like physical thirst — that cannot be suppressed. No matter how much he learned and prayed within his birth tradition, his deepest spiritual thirst remained parched and unsatisfied.] — and I had from it no truly genuine salvation [ישועה אמיתיית — a doubly emphatic form: not merely "true salvation" but "truly genuine salvation" — the word אמיתיית is a strengthened, intensified form of amitis, conveying that the salvation he needed was not only real but deeply, authentically real — touching the innermost core of his soul's need. This is not intellectual dissatisfaction but existential hunger.] for drawing close to the service of Hashem. And I searched for some years through all the books of Chassidus of all kinds of Tzaddikim — and through all the books of moral instruction (mussar) [Mussar — מוסר — the Jewish tradition of ethical self-improvement and character refinement, with a vast literature from medieval through modern times. The author searched through this entire library as well.] — and through the holy Zohar [The Zohar — the foundational text of Kabbalah, attributed to Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai] — and through other holy books. And I toiled and labored in them and served Hashem through them. But a complete salvation for the pains and agonies of my soul [מכאובי נפשי — "the pains and agonies of my soul" — מכאוב is a strong word for pain, anguish, suffering — more intense than merely "pain." It is the word used in Isaiah 53:3 for the suffering of the servant of G-d: "a man of pains, acquainted with illness." The author uses the same word for his own spiritual anguish.] I did not find. And I cried out in those years from heart and soul to Hashem every single day. And I went to holy places — and in particular to the divine Tanna, Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit protect us — and I poured out my heart in tears and with self-sacrifice, for days and years —

— until Hashem had mercy upon me. And I found only a single torn page from the books of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל — which was lying among the Divine Names [Sheimos — שמות — holy texts containing the names of G-d that may not be thrown away but must be buried respectfully. The torn page was lying in such a collection of sacred discards tumbled in the street — yet this is precisely where G-d placed it for the author to find. A striking and tender providence.] that roll about in the streets. [שמות שמתגלגלים ברחובות — "Divine Names that roll about in the streets" — scraps of holy text gathering in alleyways before collection for burial. From this holy rubble, one torn page of Rabbi Nachman's teachings emerged and changed the author's life.] And I read this page — and it literally illuminated my eyes and my heart and revived my soul. And from that moment I began to search after these books. And with great difficulty — after toiling for days and years — I acquired the books of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל, spending and pouring money on this. [בבזבוז כסף — "spending lavishly / pouring money on this." The word בזבוז implies spending freely without counting the cost — he paid whatever was asked, regardless of what it took from him personally, because the books were beyond price to him.] And each and every book came to me through longings and yearning and miracles and supplication and prayer to Hashem. [Five distinct elements: בכסופין (with longings) — והשתוקקות (and intense yearning) — ונסים (and miracles) — ובקשה (and supplication) — ותפלה (and prayer). Each book's acquisition was itself a miraculous story — not purchased from a shop, but sought out through prayer and longing, arriving through extraordinary divine providence. In post-war Israel, Breslov books were extremely rare.] And the divine vitality [Chayus elokus — חיות אלקות — "divine vitality / G-dly life-force." Not merely intellectual satisfaction or emotional uplift — a tangible experience of divine aliveness flooding through him as he studied.] that I felt in them — it is impossible to estimate. Would that in the World to Come I have no less vitality than this. [הלוואי — "would that / if only." A heartfelt wish: would that the World to Come be at least as vivid, as alive, as filled with divine light as the experience of first reading those books. This is a statement of staggering spiritual intensity.]

And afterward Hashem helped me — and I began to see people of our fellowship [Anshei shelomaynu — אנ"ש — "the people of our fellowship / our people of peace" — the warm Breslov term for fellow Breslov Chassidim; see Letter 1] who came to Miron for Lag B'Omer: R' Alter ben Tzion זצ"ל — my teacher — and some other companions. And a bond of love formed between us. And then — at the tomb of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit protect us — I began to draw close and become bound to our master the Rebbe זצ"ל with self-sacrifice. And the vitality that was then — and the love for our master the Rebbe זצ"ל and for Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, may his merit protect us, and for the companions — it is impossible to estimate in the mind at all. Such vitality — before which all the pleasures of the world are utterly null and void — literally a taste of the World to Come: a great light and great vitality beyond all estimation. And then I felt the power of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל.

And from that time I suffered greatly on behalf of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל — for my self-sacrifice, and the obstacles and blockages placed against me, [ומניעות שלי — "and my obstacles / the blockages placed against me." Meni'os — מניעות — are specifically impediments and obstructions: things that blocked his path, prevented him from moving forward, blocked his livelihood and his spiritual work. Distinct from the humiliations and physical danger that follow in the list.] and the humiliations, and the literal bloodshed: [שפיכת דמים ממש — "literal bloodshed." The author states plainly that his commitment to Breslov nearly cost him his life. The persecution was physical as well as social.] the entire city of Tzfat and Tiberias — where there were many opponents [Mitnagdim — מתנגדים — "opponents" — those opposed to the Chassidic movement, or specifically to Breslov. In the early years of Breslov in the Land of Israel, opposition was fierce and sometimes violent.] — raged against me and wanted to swallow me whole, and I was unable to walk in the street. And my mother was weeping from the humiliation brought upon her and crying out: "They murdered my son and didn't finish him off —" [Footnote marker ⁵ in the original — indicating the following phrase is in Yiddish, provided immediately after in the text] "only he keeps on tormenting himself." [רק ער מוטשיט זיך — nor er mutsht zikh — "only he keeps tormenting himself / he just suffers on and on." The mother's anguished cry captures everything: from her perspective her son has been destroyed socially and physically by his Breslov commitment — and he just keeps going, enduring it all, inflicting ongoing suffering on himself and the family. Her love and her incomprehension are both present in this single phrase. The author's own Hebrew translation in the text reads: רק הוא מתייסר — "only he is suffering / being afflicted."] And my father, may his light shine, wept and wailed in grief [ויילל — va'yeyalel — "and wailed / keened / howled in grief." The strongest Hebrew word for grief-crying — beyond ordinary weeping. Used in Lamentations and the prophets for the most acute expressions of grief and mourning.] over me — and completely stopped speaking to me. And for several years there was an iron wall between me and my family — completely — all solely because I had become a Breslov Chassid. [קיר ברזל — "an iron wall" — total severance, impenetrable silence. The price of choosing the Breslov path was, for him, his entire family.]

And until this very day I continue to suffer what I suffer — solely because I love our master the Rebbe זצ"ל and wish to be truly bound to him, and to act for the spreading of his teachings in the world. [הפצת דעתו בעולם — "the spreading of his teachings / his knowledge / his mind in the world." Da'as — דעת — here means the Rebbe's entire body of thought, his worldview, his teachings — everything that constitutes what Rabbi Nachman knew and revealed. The author's life mission is to spread this into the world.] And because of this the ba'al davar [Ba'al davar — בעל דבר — "the one who has a claim / the accusing party" — a legal term from halachah (one who is party to a dispute), used in Breslov to refer to the spiritual adversary, the force that opposes and persecutes through human agents.] takes revenge upon me — and every single time sets other people against me to cause me distress. But Hashem's hand is always uppermost — and He will certainly always help me and save me for the sake of the honor of His Name. [על דבר כבוד שמו — "for the sake of / concerning the honor of His Name." G-d helps not merely out of personal mercy to the author, but because the author's work is for the honor of G-d's Name — and G-d's Name's honor demands that this work succeed.]

In any case — I could have had an income by studying [redacted] in our kollel [Kollel — כולל — a fellowship of married Torah scholars supported by a stipend to study full-time. Many Chassidic communities had their own kollelim. The offer: study our material, affiliate with our group, and receive a salary.] of [redacted] — like all the men of the kollel. But I did not wish to mix into my mind any other Chassidus — for I have only one Rebbe and he is my life — and I will not sell myself as a slave for a piece of bread, [לא אמכור את עצמי לעבד עבור חתיכת לחם — "I will not sell myself as a slave for a piece of bread." He refused to affiliate with a group he did not believe in, even to secure his livelihood. He preferred poverty with spiritual integrity over comfort with compromise.] as brought in Sipuray Maasiyos in the story of the children who were exchanged — see there. [A reference to Rabbi Nachman's story "The Exchanged Children" — in which a prince raised as a servant refuses to abandon his true royal identity even in the depths of servitude. The author identifies with this figure: he is a servant of the King of kings, and will not sell his true spiritual identity for material comfort.] And from that time I have suffered in my livelihood — for the kollel distances me. And also because I do not wish to do anything in this world — anything at all — except for our master the Rebbe זצ"ל.

And the other holy books that I am gathering and laboring over [שהנני מקבץ וטורח בהם — "that I am gathering and laboring over / toiling in." מקבץ means actively collecting and assembling — the author is a compiler and curator of Breslov material. וטורח — toiling — the labor is arduous and constant.] — so that they will be able to do good for all who wish to walk in their ways — so that they may merit to live good lives in this world and in the World to Come. And to break the bad character traits and bad desires. And to snatch the service of Hashem [ויחטוף עבודת השם — "and snatch / grab the service of G-d." The same urgent verb חטף (to snatch, grab quickly) used throughout this letter — conveying that time in this world is short, precious, and one must grab whatever one can before the moment passes.] in this passing world — what one can — whether Torah, whether prayer and Psalms and supplications and hisbodidus, and whether commandments and good deeds. And this is my entire aspiration and desire and will — both for myself: to do this — to snatch whatever learning of the books of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל I can snatch — which are the Torah of the future era, the Torah of the Ancient, the Ancient of Days, [תורה של עתיקא עתיק יומין — "Torah of the Ancient, the Ancient of Days." Two Kabbalistic titles layered together: Atika (עתיקא) — the Ancient One, the most concealed level of the divine — and Atik Yomin (עתיק יומין) — "the Ancient of Days," from Daniel 7:9, the highest, most transcendent aspect of the divine. The Rebbe's Torah is described as drawing from this supreme, pre-creation source.] and the other holy books — and whether prayer and Psalms and commandments — — and also to bring merit to the world through this: all who wish to merit through it — to purchase the books and study them and serve Hashem through them. For this is the very essence — and the entire world is vanity of vanities, [הבל הבלים — vanity of vanities — the opening declaration of Ecclesiastes (1:2). The entire world is fleeting, empty of permanent substance — nothing remains of a person except whatever good he spiritually grasped and earned while here.] and nothing remains of a person except whatever good he snatched in the world.

And as for his honor — it is certainly for his own good that he should not mix any other Chassidus together with the Chassidus of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל. And there is enough in the Chassidus of our master the Rebbe זצ"ל for the entire world — and there is no need to search for anything else.

And in particular — because the ba'al davar lies very much in ambush against drawing close to our master the Rebbe זצ"ל — and in his view it is worthwhile to give a person all [apparent] holinesses [לתת לאדם כל הקדושות — "to give a person all the holinesses." The ba'al davar's strategy: offer the person an impressive array of other spiritual paths and Chassidic groups — anything — as long as it pulls him away from Rabbi Nachman's path specifically. The holinesses offered may even appear genuine — but they are a trap.] — [for appearances' sake only — and afterward, may the Merciful One save us, [רח"ל = רחמנא ליצלן — Aramaic: "may the Merciful One save us / spare us from this." A traditional Talmudic exclamation of horror at something terrible. It punctuates the sentence here as a shudder of dread: what happens afterward is so bad that one recoils from even stating it without this protective phrase.] he uproots the person from both worlds — as we have seen with our own eyes in several stories of this — whoever separates himself [פורש את עצמו — "who separates / withdraws himself." The abbreviation א"ע = את עצמו — "himself" — underscores that this is a deliberate, active self-separation. The person does not merely drift away — he actively withdraws himself from the Rebbe. The author has witnessed this happen — and seen the consequences in both worlds.] from our master the Rebbe זצ"ל] — in order to uproot the person from our master the Rebbe זצ"ל.

And therefore a person must be very strong in his settled conviction [חזק בדעתו מאד — "very strong in his da'as / his settled conviction." Da'as — דעת — in Kabbalah and Breslov is not merely intellectual knowledge but deep, embodied, existential knowing — knowing that lives in the bones, not just the brain. To be strong in one's da'as means to be unshakeable in one's core spiritual conviction, impervious to the ba'al davar's confusing suggestions.] — that he forgives the ba'al davar for everything [מוחל להבע"ד על הכל — "he forgives / waives all claims against the ba'al davar for everything." Instead of fighting or resenting the spiritual adversary, the person simply releases all claims — "I forgive you, I release you, you have no hold on me." This is specifically regarding the holinesses the ba'al davar dangled to confuse him, and the implication that he is losing out by following the Rebbe.] [regarding the holinesses with which the ba'al davar wishes to confuse the person — suggesting that he is distant from them and is losing out through drawing close to our master the Rebbe זצ"ל] — and that the essential thing is to draw close to our master the Rebbe זצ"ל.

And thereby he will automatically have all closeness to Hashem — for our master the Rebbe זצ"ל said: if they draw close to him and walk in his ways — even through a single Torah teaching — they will come to levels above which there is no higher level.