אות - רט

He said: Everything he needs to do in public is very, very difficult for him and requires actual self-sacrifice on his part. And he related that before Kiddush — when he wants to begin the first word of the Kiddush — it seems to him as if his soul will literally depart. And similarly before saying a Torah discourse when he wants to begin. Then it seems to him that at the first word he says his soul will literally depart. (In Yiddish: "Vi ich vil aroyz lozn dos ershteh vort dacht zich mir ot gai ich oys.") And he never led the prayer before the Amud under any circumstances, and he never did anything similar such as reading the Megillah, reading the Torah publicly, even reading for the Tokea before the shofar-blowing, and other such things — only Kiddush and zemiros at his Shabbos table, and the saying of his Torah discourse. And even this was very difficult and burdensome for him as mentioned above. And even when he needed to say Kaddish on his mother on a yahrzeit, it was very difficult and burdensome for him.[393] 393. RAK: Rabbainu's mother Feiga passed away on the 19th of Adar. The exact year is uncertain. We know she participated in the wedding of Adel, Rabbainu's daughter, in Elul 5560, and passed away some time between 5561 and 5564. The year 5562 was a leap year and she did not die in a leap year, as Rabbainu said Kaddish for her in both months of Adar in a leap year. Most likely she passed away in 5561.