Prayer H — Humility and Proper Order

Source — Prayer on Rising in the Morning and Netilas Yadayim.

Hashem, You have searched me and known. You know my sitting and my rising; You understand my thought from afar. My way and my lying down You have winnowed, and with all my ways You are familiar. For there is no word on my tongue; behold, Hashem, You know it entirely. Behind and before You have formed me, and You have placed Your palm upon me.

Master of the Universe, You know what has happened with me from the day I came to awareness until this day, and especially at this time, in my old age, when everything proceeds for me shelo keseder, not in order, against my will, and the dinim and yissurim are intensifying upon me very greatly. Were it not for Your abundant mercies and chassadim, I would almost have perished in my affliction.

All this is because I did not listen to the voice of my teachers, who instructed me to bind myself to Hashem Yisbarach at every time, to bind Your Godliness in my thought, and to know that the principal life-force is when one binds himself to Hashem Yisbarach and to the holy Torah.

And to know in truth and with a whole heart that the entire creation was for the sake of binding all matters in the world to Hashem Yisbarach, and to make known to human beings His might and the glory of the splendor of His malchus. Through this, one merits to bind the whole world, which is the aspect of shelo keseder, not in order, to Hashem Yisbarach, Who is the aspect of keseder, order, and Who is the life-force of all creation, from beginning to end.

There is no life-force or existence for all the worlds and for all things, even for the things of this world, except through the true chokhmah, in the aspect of “What is our life? What is our strength?” as it is written, “You made them all with wisdom,” in the aspect of koach mah, the power of ‘what.’

Therefore I ask from You, Master of all worlds, that You have mercy upon us: may I merit to know my lowliness in truth, and grant me the merit to do complete teshuvah. May I be lowly in my own eyes, below my lowly level, and may I bind myself always to You, Yisbarach.

May all my words be only in Torah and tefillah, in supplications and requests for Your great Name. Through this may I merit to bind the aspect of malchus to kedushah, and to crown You over all the worlds, and in particular over all my 248 limbs and 365 sinews. May I not speak any word that is, Heaven forbid, against Your will; rather, may I bind all my words to You and to Your Torah, and meditate in them day and night.

May I merit to bind day and night through Torah and tefillah always, and to do many mitzvos every day in holiness. Through this may I merit to join and raise all the worlds, which are in the aspect of shelo keseder, to their root, which is the aspect of beseder, in order, which is the chokhmah and da’as of kedushah.

Master of the Universe, You know the confusion of my da’as, and my da’as is not settled at all, because the aspect of shelo keseder has overpowered me; from there all yissurim and dinim are drawn, Heaven forbid. Therefore help me to nullify myself entirely, and to remove my own da’as entirely, as though I had no da’as at all, for in truth I am more brutish than a man, and the understanding of a human being is not with me.

Only the ba’al davar overpowers me through my many sins and brings me to gadlus, Heaven forbid, to separate me, Heaven forbid, from Hashem Yisbarach and from the true chokhmah. Even though You know me and all my deeds, and not only do I have nothing with which to make myself great, Heaven forbid, but I must also weep and lament over my evil deeds, which are truly panic and madness.

With what could I make myself proud, after I have soiled myself with my ugly deeds, as You know me? There is no repair, except that I merit that You have mercy upon me with a free gift and a donation of chesed, so that I merit to have mercy upon my body and my soul, to return in complete teshuvah, and to nullify myself entirely.

May I merit to fulfill, “Lift your hands in holiness and bless Hashem,” and may I merit to recite after netilas yadayim all the blessings that our Sages, of blessed memory, commanded us, in holiness and purity. May I nullify myself and my will to You, and bind You in my thought always; may I merit the aspect of mah, ‘what,’ in truth, so that I will not be considered in my own eyes as anything at all, as I know myself and my deeds.

Rather, may I bind and hand myself over only to You, and join day and night through Torah and tefillah. Place strength in me to overcome sleep every night, to rise at chatzos, and to engage in Torah until the light of morning; through this may I merit to lift all the worlds to their root, and to nullify from upon me all the hold of the sitra achra and the dinim.

May good chassadim be drawn upon me and upon all Israel; may everything be in order, and may the shelo keseder be nullified, and may the world be conducted in the correct and true order. May falsehood and haughtiness be nullified from the world; may all receive the yoke of Your malchus upon themselves with love, and may You reign over them with love forever and ever.

And so help me, Hashem our God, to receive upon myself the holiness of Rosh Hashanah in holiness, purity, and complete awe, for You know that the principal time of our holiness is in the Yomim Nora’im that come toward us in peace, and especially the holy days of Rosh Hashanah, when a person must begin to return in complete teshuvah.

And to return from the blemish of gadlus, to lower oneself, to feel one’s lowliness and inferiority in truth, to break one’s heart and truly subdue oneself before Hashem Yisbarach. You know that the ba’al davar lies in wait for us specifically in these holy days, until we cannot open our mouths and ask from You that we should truly feel the holiness of the awesome and fearsome days.

And to break our heart before You in truth, and to return over all the sins, iniquities, and rebellions with which we sinned before You, unwittingly and deliberately, and in particular over the sin of gadlus, which is, Heaven forbid, as though one served avodah zarah, as they, of blessed memory, said.

Master of the Universe, You know the pity that is upon me, for I have already come in years, and still I have not begun to do Your will in truth, even in the days of teshuvah. Who would not fear in those days? For they are awesome and fearsome, and angels hurry within them, and trembling and terror seize them. Yet the yetzer hara overpowers us then as well, and does not leave us to place upon our heart: what will be the end of me?

Behold, I am destined to give judgment and accounting for every day and every moment of the days of my life. What shall I do on the day of visitation? What shall I answer? How will I stand because of my shame, as I know my evil deeds? Even though I know all this in truth, nevertheless the ba’al davar still incites me that I should have gadlus and coarseness, Heaven forbid.

I do not know what I have to be proud about. Behold, I know all my deeds, such that I would need to subdue and lower myself even before the smallest of the small and the lowliest of the lowly, and to cry out and shout before You all day and all night, always, that perhaps I may merit to leave the cravings of my coarse and clouded body, which became so through the deeds that I have done.

Therefore I ask from You, my Father, merciful Father, that You place compassion in my heart, so that I merit to have compassion upon myself from now on, to prepare myself to receive the holy days of Rosh Hashanah that are coming upon us for good, and that I begin from now to return in complete teshuvah before You.

Until I merit, in the holy days of Rosh Hashanah, to nullify myself entirely before You. Through this may I merit to return in complete teshuvah, and in particular over the sin of gadlus, from which all sins come, Heaven forbid. Through my meriting to nullify myself, may I merit to nullify all dinim and yissurim and all evil decrees that were decreed upon us.

Until everything that is conducted with me, which is all shelo keseder, will be repaired. Therefore I ask from You that You grant me the merit to nullify myself in the days of Rosh Hashanah, which is the first day of the creation of Adam HaRishon, with complete nullification, as though I have no da’as at all; only may I merit to cry out to You with a truly broken heart, and to crown You over us with simplicity and sincerity in truth.

May I repair all the blemishes, receive upon myself that I will sin no more, and bind the shelo keseder to the beseder. Through this all the worlds will be repaired; may I bind myself to the holy chokhmah in truth, and may I merit to raise all the worlds to their root, to nullify all dinim from us and from all Israel, and to include everything in order.

May we nullify ourselves in truth to Hashem Yisbarach, and do complete teshuvah over all our sins, and in particular over the sin of gadlus. May we merit to fulfill the mitzvah of hearing the sound of the shofar in holiness and purity, as is fitting.

Through hearing the sound of the shofar in holiness, may we merit that the new mochin be drawn. Through this, all the yichudim and all the kavanos of the blowing of the shofar will be made through us, through our nullifying ourselves before You and being in our own eyes like absolute nothing; only may we merit to crown You with simplicity and sincerity in truth.

Through hearing the sound of the shofar, may we merit great mochin of kedushah, until the glory of Your malchus is revealed before the eyes of all, with complete da’as, and to know and make known that You are the Former, You are the Creator of all worlds, You are the First and You are the Last, and You conduct Your world at every time with chesed and rachamim.

Through this may we merit to sweeten the shelo keseder, and the shelo keseder will be included in the order, and to bind all the words in the world to You, Yisbarach. May I merit to join the voice with speech, and may I not speak any idle words at all, Heaven forbid; rather, may all my words be only in Torah and tefillah in truth.

May I merit to say Malchiyos, Zichronos, and Shofaros on the holy Rosh Hashanah that is coming upon us for good, in holiness, purity, and teshuvah, with a truly broken heart, and to receive upon myself the yoke of the malchus of Heaven in truth, until I draw the holiness of Rosh Hashanah upon the entire year in truth.

And may I bind all my words only to Your holy chokhmah, which is the Torah, and bind Your Godliness in my thought always. May I merit to fulfill what is written, “And these words shall be upon your heart.” And it is said, “You shall meditate in it day and night.” And it is said, “They shall not depart from your mouth, nor from the mouth of your seed, nor from the mouth of your seed’s seed, said Hashem, from now and forever.” Amen and amen.

Translator’s Addition — Summary of Prayer H: The prayer describes a person’s distress as a condition of shelo keseder, disorder, flowing from confused da’as and the gadlus of the heart. Its repair is self-nullification, binding speech and thought to Hashem Yisbarach and to the Torah, rising at chatzos, netilas yadayim with its blessings, and receiving the holiness of Rosh Hashanah. The shofar’s sound represents the drawing of new mochin and the crowning of Hashem with simplicity, so that the shelo keseder is included within keseder and the holiness of Rosh Hashanah is drawn over the whole year.

Translator’s Addition — Diagram for Prayer H. Disorder → Self-null. → Chokhmah → RH/Shofar → Speech/Torah → Malchus