Chapter Four: A Journey to Yerushalayim with Total Self-Sacrifice
ישראל סבא - Yisroel Saba
אֲנִי לֹא מְסַפֵּר גֻּזְמָאוֹת, כָּכָה הָיָה. הוּא בְּעַצְמוֹ צָחַק מִזֶּה, אֵיךְ נַעֲשָׂה דָּבָר כָּזֶה בָּעוֹלָם? אֲנִי יָצָאתִי לַמִּרְפֶּסֶת, רָאִיתִי נִפְטָר, נִבְהַלְתִּי מְאֹד, הִתְחַלְתִּי לְדַבֵּר עִם הַנִּפְטָר: "מַה זֶּה אִתְּךָ!" זֶה הָיָה נֵס אֵיךְ הוּא שָׁמַע אֵלַי, חָשַׁבְתִּי: "אֵין מַה לְּדַבֵּר אִתּוֹ", וְגַם-כֵּן אֲנִי לֹא הִבְטַחְתִּי לוֹ שֶׁהוּא יִהְיֶה בָּרִיא, אָמַרְתִּי לוֹ: "אוּלַי", וְהוּא הָיָה כָּל-כָּךְ מָסוּר, אֲנִי אָמַרְתִּי לוֹ בְּכָל לֵב וְזֶה נִכְנַס בְּלִבּוֹ. הַדִּבּוּרִים עָשׂוּ פְּעֻלּוֹת וְהוּא קִבֵּל אֶת הַדִּבּוּרִים שֶׁלִּי וְהוּא נַעֲשָׂה בָּרִיא, כֵּן.
Oy vey — how much I loved Breslov! I gave over my soul to travel from Teveriah to Yerushalayim when I had no money and no bread for the children, no clothes for the children. I traveled to Yerushalayim — and all of our people were poor. Can one eat with the poor, can one receive money from them? Not much — but they are poor.
הוּא שָׁאַל אוֹתִי: "יֵשׁ לְךָ בְּרָגִים?"
I suffered… What — when there is no money there is no bread. I went to the store and the shopkeeper would not give me anything: whether I was hungry or not was none of his business. "You want bread — money!" I had no money.
הַצַּדִּיק יֵשׁ לוֹ הַכֹּל!
And I also had no water. In Yerushalayim there was a great shortage of water — today there are springs, but then there was one spring in all of Yerushalayim. And there were two kinds of water: water for netilas yodayim [ritual hand-washing] and water for drinking. In the synagogue they did not buy drinking water — they bought washing water cheaply. I had no water to drink, no bread and no water.
אָמַרְתִּי לוֹ: "אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ מִצַּדִּיק כָּזֶה שֶׁיִּהְיֶה לְךָ רְפוּאָה", הוּא קִבֵּל אֶת זֶה - וְנַעֲשָׂה רְפוּאָה. הוּא הָיָה מַמָּשׁ כְּמוֹ נִפְטָר. הוּא הָיָה אֶצְלִי זְמַן רַב וּבְכָל יוֹם מְחַכֶּה מְצַפֶּה מָתַי יָבוֹא מַלְאַךְ הַמָּוֶת, מַלְאַךְ הַמָּוֶת לֹא רוֹצֶה לָבוֹא. וַאֲנִי רָקַדְתִּי אִתּוֹ בַּבַּיִת שֶׁלִּי. אֵיךְ נַעֲשָׂה דָּבָר כָּזֶה, זֶה הָיָה מַעֲשֶׂה נוֹרָא שֶׁאֲנִי לֹא הֶאֱמַנְתִּי שֶׁהוּא יִתְרַצֶּה לִשְׁמֹעַ.
And I also had no water. In Yerushalayim there was a great shortage of water — today there are springs, but then there was one spring in all of Yerushalayim. And there were two kinds of water: water for netilas yodayim [ritual hand-washing] and water for drinking. In the synagogue they did not buy drinking water — they bought washing water cheaply. I had no water to drink, no bread and no water.
אוֹי, הָיָה בִּטְבֶרְיָה שַׁבָּת שְׂמְחָה כָּזוֹ, כָּל טְבֶרְיָה פָּחֲדוּ מֵהַנִּפְטָר שֶׁהֵבֵאתִי, אֲנִי הֵבֵאתִי לִטְבֶרְיָה נִפְטָר, וְהֶחֱיֵיתִי אוֹתוֹ...
So — I came to Yerushalayim and looked at myself: "What — how are you traveling? To whom are you going? What will you do there? You will not even have bread to eat." And I paid no attention to this. I gave over my soul — I needed to hear from Rav Naftali some word from Rabbenu, and so also from this one and that one.
הוּא רָאָה אֶת כָּל הַ'כָּבוֹד' שֶׁיֵּשׁ לִי בִּטְבֶרְיָה, הוּא הָיָה לִיטָאִי וְהוּא הֶאֱמִין בָּרַבָּנִים הַלִּיטָאִים, אֲבָל הוּא הָיָה גִּבּוֹר וְחָזָק מְאֹד בְּרַבֵּנוּ וְלֹא שָׁמַע לְכָל הַמִּתְנַגְּדִים וּלְכָל טְבֶרְיָה, אָז כָּל טְבֶרְיָה יָדְעוּ שֶׁהֵבֵאתִי עוֹד חֲסִיד בְּרֶסְלֵב. הָיָה אֲנִי וְרַבִּי יִשְׂרָאֵל קָרְדוֹנֶר, אָז הֵבֵאתִי עוֹד אֶחָד.
Every time there were different circumstances and different miracles around the journey. What — when one has no money, can one travel? To Haifa and to Yerushalayim one needs money to pay for the rides and for bread.
אֲנִי נָתַתִּי לוֹ בְּכָל פַּעַם סֵפֶר אַחֵר לִלְמֹד, נָתַתִּי לוֹ הַסֵּפֶר 'לִקּוּטֵי תְּפִלּוֹת', אָמַרְתִּי לוֹ שֶׁיֵּשֵׁב וְיִרְאֶה אֶת זֶה בְּכָל לֵב, וְכָל יָמָיו הוּא אָמַר 'לִקּוּטֵי תְּפִלּוֹת' הַרְבֵּה וְהוּא נַעֲשָׂה צַדִּיק עַל-יְדֵי הַ'לִּקּוּטֵי תְּפִלּוֹת'.
But with Hashem — everything is recorded. There is an accounting!
הַ'לִּקּוּטֵי תְּפִלּוֹת' עוֹשֶׂה צַדִּיקִים!
Hashem sees my heart. He saw that I was traveling with mesiras nefesh to hear some word from Rabbenu — and so He writes to me: "My dear student!" [A reference to the opening words of the Holy Petek — the note from Rabbenu that would later reach Yisroel Saba]
הַ'לִּקּוּטֵי תְּפִלּוֹת', הָעוֹלָם לֹא יוֹדְעִים וְלֹא רוֹצִים לָדַעַת, הֵם חוֹשְׁבִים: "מַה, 'לִקּוּטֵי תְּפִלּוֹת'? מַה יִּהְיֶה עִם הַגְּמָרָא.."
But I was alive and suffering the shame of hunger. Also water I had none. Such a journey — it is unique in the world!
וַאֲנִי הָיִיתִי הַגָּרוּעַ מִכֻּלָּם. אֲנִי הָיִיתִי פָּשׁוּט, אִישׁ פָּשׁוּט וְגָרוּעַ מִכֻּלָּם.
Once I met Rav Alter the shochet [ritual slaughterer]. He had a reputation as a tzadik, as a great man, as one who serves Hashem, as one who does charity and kindness. I wanted to travel to Yerushalayim but without money one cannot travel — so I saw Rav Alter and thought: "Perhaps he will help me." I said: "Rav Alter, I have a request of you."
בִּצְפָת הָיָה זָקֵן גָּדוֹל, קָרְאוּ לוֹ בְּשֵׁם הָרַב אֶלְפַנְדְּרִי. הוּא הָיָה גָּאוֹן עוֹלָמִי, גָּאוֹן הָעוֹלָם, גְּאוֹן הַדּוֹר. צַדִּיק קָדוֹשׁ וְיְרֵא שָׁמַיִם גָּדוֹל. הוּא הָיָה אִישׁ אֱמֶת וְגִבּוֹר כָּזֶה.. הוּא הָיָה תַּקִּיף מְאֹד נֶגֶד הָרַבָּנִים שֶׁהוּא הֵבִין שֶׁהֵם לֹא בְּסֵדֶר, אָז הוּא לֹא הִשְׁגִּיחַ עַל זֶה שֶׁהֵם רַבָּנִים, הוּא אָמַר הָאֱמֶת, הוּא אָמַר לְרַבָּנִים גְּדוֹלִים שֶׁהֵם לֹא שָׁוִים כְּלָל.
"What is it?"
הוּא הָיָה קָם בְּכָל לַיְלָה בַּחֲצוֹת וְהָיָה בּוֹכֶה לִפְנֵי הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ מְאֹד בִּדְמָעוֹת עַל הַחֻרְבַּן בֵּית-הַמִּקְדָּשׁ. עַד הַיּוֹם הַשֵּׁם שֶׁלּוֹ גָּדוֹל מְאֹד, הוּא עָשָׂה סְפָרִים הַרְבֵּה וְהוּא הָיָה אָדָם מְפֻרְסָם בְּאֶרֶץ יִשְׂרָאֵל וּבְכָל הָעוֹלָם.
"I need a loan of half a lirah."
וְהוּא בַּחֹרֶף הָיָה בָּא לִטְבֶרְיָה בִּשְׁבִיל לַעֲשׂוֹת אַמְבַּטְיוֹת בְּחַמֵּי-טְבֶרְיָה, אָז מֵהַיְשִׁיבָה נָתְנוּ לוֹ חֵדֶר בְּרַבִּי מֵאִיר בַּעַל-הַנֵּס, וַאֲנִי שָׁמַעְתִּי בַּיְשִׁיבָה עַל הָרַב אֶלְפַנְדְּרִי שֶׁהוּא אָדָם גָּאוֹן גָּדוֹל וְחָכָם גָּדוֹל וִירֵא שָׁמַיִם גָּדוֹל. וַאֲנִי שָׁמַעְתִּי שֶׁהוּא נִמְצָא אֵצֶל הַסְּפָרַדִים אָז הָלַכְתִּי אֵלָיו, זֶה הָיָה כְּבָר אַחֲרֵי שֶׁנַּעֲשֵׂיתִי בְּרֶסְלְבֶר, אַחֲרֵי הַפְּטִירָה שֶׁל רַבִּי יִשְׂרָאֵל קָרְדוֹנֶר.
He looked at me as if at a madman: "What is he saying? I am rich, I am a banker — I have half a lirah? In the bank there is half a lirah, but with me there are only pennies. What does he say — a loan of half a lirah?!"
אֲנִי נִכְנַסְתִּי אֵלָיו וְדִבַּרְתִּי עִמּוֹ מֵרַבֵּנוּ וְרָאִיתִי שֶׁהוּא מַחֲזִיק מְאֹד מֵרַבֵּנוּ בְּלִי שִׁעוּר, אָז יָרַדְתִּי מֵהַיְשִׁיבָה וְאָמַרְתִּי לְרַב אֶלְפַנְדְּרִי: "אֲנִי יֵשׁ לִי בַּקָּשָׁה מִמְּךָ, אֲנִי רוֹצֶה לִזְכּוֹת לְשַׁמֵּשׁ אוֹתְךָ". הוּא הָיָה מֵבִין, הוּא רָאָה שֶׁזֶּה בְּלֵב שָׁלֵם, אָז הוּא נָתַן לִי רְשׁוּת לְשַׁמֵּשׁ אוֹתוֹ. אֲנִי הוֹצֵאתִי לוֹ אֶת הַנַּעֲלַיִם וְסִדַּרְתִּי לוֹ אֶת הַמִּטָּה וְהֵבֵאתִי לוֹ תֵּה, אֲנִי שִׁמַּשְׁתִּי אוֹתוֹ, כֵּן.
He said to me: "Leave me alone! How do you have the audacity to ask me for half a lirah?!"
טוֹב, עָבַר כַּמָּה יָמִים, וַאֲנִי הִתְפַּלַּלְתִּי פַּעַם אֵצֶל הַסְּפָרַדִים, וַאֲנִי הִתְפַּלַּלְתִּי כְּמוֹ שֶׁרָאִיתִי אֵצֶל רַבִּי יִשְׂרָאֵל מַה זֶּה תְּפִלָּה, וְגַם אָמַרְתִּי 'לִקּוּטֵי תְּפִלּוֹת' וּתְהִלִּים בִּדְמָעוֹת, בְּהִתְעוֹרְרוּת, בְּהִתְפָּאֲרוּת. וְהוּא שָׁמַע בְּהַחֶדֶר שֶׁלּוֹ שֶׁאָמַרְתִּי תְּפִלָּה אַחַת מִ'לִּקּוּטֵי תְּפִלּוֹת', אָז כְּשֶׁגָּמַרְתִּי אֶת הַתְּפִלָּה וּבָאתִי לְשַׁמֵּשׁ אוֹתוֹ, שָׁאַלְתִּי אוֹתוֹ מַה הוּא צָרִיךְ, מַה הוּא רוֹצֶה? כּוֹס תֵּה, כּוֹס קָפֶה? אֵיזֶה דָּבָר שֶׁהוּא צָרִיךְ. הוּא לֹא יָדַע שֶׁאֲנִי בְּרֶסְלְבֶר, רַק הוּא שָׁמַע הַקּוֹל שֶׁל הַתְּפִלָּה, אָז הוּא אָמַר לִי: "אֲנִי לֹא צָרִיךְ כְּלוּם, לֹא אַתָּה תְּשַׁמֵּשׁ אוֹתִי. אֲנִי רוֹצֶה לְשַׁמֵּשׁ אוֹתְךָ - זֶה אֲנִי רוֹצֶה!"
I was very ashamed and said: "If you cannot — do not give."
הוּא אָמַר לִי: "אֲנִי שָׁמַעְתִּי מֵרַבִּי נַחְמָן גְּדוֹלוֹת שֶׁהוּא גָּאוֹן גָּדוֹל, אֲבָל מַה שֶּׁאֲנִי שׁוֹמֵעַ מִמְּךָ.. לֹא יָדַעְתִּי מִזֶּה כְּלוּם! עַכְשָׁו אֲנִי צָרִיךְ לִהְיוֹת הַשַּׁמָּשׁ שֶׁלְּךָ, אֲנִי לֹא רוֹצֶה שֶׁתְּשַׁמֵּשׁ אוֹתִי, אֲנִי צָרִיךְ לְשַׁמֵּשׁ אוֹתְךָ!"
But my request — he could not get it out of his mind, he could not forget. I had said with force, with firmness: "I need half a lirah!" — asking him to lend me half a lirah.
הוּא קָרָא לִי רַבִּי, אֲנִי הָרַבִּי שֶׁלּוֹ. הוּא הָיָה גָּאוֹן עוֹלָמִי וַאֲנִי עַם-הָאָרֶץ, וְהוּא אָמַר לִי: "אֲנִי לֹא רוֹצֶה כְּלוּם, אֲנִי רוֹצֶה לָקוּם בְּפָנֶיךָ!"
He thought: "When will he return it? Can he give half a lirah?! He can give a penny, two pennies, five pennies — but not half a lirah."
וַאֲנִי יָרַדְתִּי אֵלָיו כָּל יוֹם אֲבָל לֹא זָכִיתִי לְשַׁמֵּשׁ אוֹתוֹ כִּי הוּא לֹא רָצָה בְּשׁוּם אֹפֶן. אֲנִי הָיִיתִי בֵּן עֶשְׂרִים וּשְׁתַּיִם, עֶשְׂרִים וְשָׁלשׁ, וְהוּא הָיָה אִישׁ זָקֵן וְגָאוֹן כָּזֶה.. וַאֲנִי פָּשׁוּט, אֲנִי אַבְרֵךְ פָּשׁוּט.
In the end I gave him no rest — every time he saw me: "What have you done, why did you do so? I cannot rest!" He told me he would think it over. Afterwards he saw me in the market and called me and said: "I will give you half a lirah — tomorrow or the day after, I will give you half a lirah."
הָיָה קֶשֶׁר בֵּינֵינוּ וְרָאִיתִי שֶׁהוּא מְדַבֵּר אִתִּי עַל כַּמָּה דְּבָרִים, וַאֲנִי כִּוַּנְתִּי לְדַעְתּוֹ. וְהוּא הָיָה לוֹ אֵיזֶה דְּבָרִים שֶׁהוּא הָיָה צָרִיךְ לְהִתְיַעֵץ עִם אֵיזֶה בֶּן-אָדָם, אָז הוּא הִתְיַעֵץ אִתִּי, וַאֲנִי אָמַרְתִּי לוֹ הָאֱמֶת. אָז הוּא הֵבִין שֶׁאֲנִי אִישׁ אֱמֶת וְדוֹבֵר אֱמֶת.
The joy of mine… I already had money for the journey to Yerushalayim! But in those days one did not travel directly from Teveriah to Yerushalayim — first one had to travel to Haifa and from Haifa to Yerushalayim. From Teveriah to Haifa cost half a lirah — but from Haifa to Yerushalayim, again I had nothing…
וְסִפַּרְתִּי לוֹ שֶׁאֲנִי מֵחֲסִידֵי בְּרֶסְלֵב, סִפַּרְתִּי לוֹ מַה שֶּׁאֲנִי סוֹבֵל, וְהוּא אָמַר לִי: "חֲסִיד בְּרֶסְלֵב זֶה דָּבָר יָקָר מְאֹד, זֶה דָּבָר חָשׁוּב מְאֹד!"
In Haifa there lived one man who knew of Rabbenu and all of Haifa loved him. He had shaved all his hair in place of the bloyris [the lock of hair left by those who do not cut that part of the head] — he left no hair like the others. That was unique in Haifa. And his milk was also unique in Haifa — people felt the taste of Gan Eden in his milk. I came to him — and his wife did not want guests. She said to him: "Guests — take him to a hotel. I have no strength, I do not want guests." So it was. He took me to a hotel, made me a bed, food to eat, and a place to sleep.
וְהוּא הִתְעַנְיֵן וְשָׁאַל אוֹתִי: "אֵיךְ הַפַּרְנָסָה, יֵשׁ לְךָ פַּרְנָסָה?"
At midnight he went to the village to stand at the dairy so there should be no chalov akum [milk of a non-Jew, which is not permissible under Jewish law] — and I went with him. He had several containers of milk. He took one container and I took one container, and the two of us walked from house to house speaking of Rabbenu.
אָז סִפַּרְתִּי לוֹ: "אֲנִי בֶּן-יְשִׁיבָה, אֲנִי לָמַדְתִּי בַּיְשִׁיבָה, וְאַחֲרֵי שֶׁנַּעֲשֵׂיתִי חֲסִיד בְּרֶסְלֵב הֵם לֹא רָצוּ לְהַחֲזִיק אוֹתִי בַּיְשִׁיבָה". אֲבָל אַף-עַל-פִּי-כֵן הֵם לֹא יָכְלוּ לִדְחוֹת אוֹתִי, כִּי אֲנִי לוֹמֵד שָׁמָּה מִזְּמַן הַבַּר-מִצְוָה. נוּ, אָז סִפַּרְתִּי לוֹ שֶׁהַחַיִּים שֶׁלִּי כָּכָה, בְּדֹחַק גָּדוֹל, וְסִפַּרְתִּי לוֹ שֶׁהֵם נוֹתְנִים לִי פָּחוֹת מִכָּל בְּנֵי-הַיְשִׁיבָה בִּשְׁבִיל שֶׁאֲנִי חֲסִיד בְּרֶסְלֵב, וְהוּא יָדַע שֶׁהֵם מִתְנַגְּדִים.
Oy — one sees how hard it is for a person to perform a mitzvah! Had he given me money so I would have bread, so I could send something home — he had much money. His gift was the hotel, the food, and half a lirah — that is what he gave me. Half a lirah.
אֲנִי בִּקַּשְׁתִּי מִמֶּנּוּ שֶׁיְּדַבֵּר אִתָּם שֶׁיִּתְּנוּ לִי לֶחֶם בִּשְׁבִיל יְלָדִים קְטַנִּים. אָז הוּא שָׁמַע אֶת זֶה, וּבְעוֹד אֵיזֶה יָמִים בָּאוּ לְבַקְּרוֹ הָרַבָּנִים שֶׁל הָאַשְׁכְּנַזִּים וְרָצוּ לָקַחַת אוֹתוֹ לְבַקֵּר בְּהַיְשִׁיבָה שֶׁלָּהֶם, אֵצֶל רַבִּי מֵאִיר בַּעַל-הַנֵּס שֶׁל הָאַשְׁכְּנַזִּים. וְהֵם בָּאוּ אֵלָיו בְּכָבוֹד וּבְהַעֲרָצָה, הֵם הָיוּ שְׁלשָׁה, הָיָה הָרַב וְהַגַּבַּאי שֶׁל הַיְשִׁיבָה וְעוֹד בֶּן-אָדָם אֶחָד. וְהֵם דִּבְּרוּ אִתּוֹ וְהוּא שָׁאַל אוֹתָם: "מַדּוּעַ אַתֶּם נוֹתְנִים לָאִישׁ הַזֶּה פָּחוֹת פַּרְנָסָה?"
I saw Breslov friends from Poland. One friend had a factory and was wealthy — he raised his eyes and gave me a place to sleep, gave me to eat. But money — he was miserly with money. And I saw that one who has no merit — is not given the opportunity to fulfill the mitzvah of tzedakah. Had he given me a few lirot to bring home, so I would have bread to eat. What was I seeking? Was I seeking something superfluous? Bread for the children, clothing for the children.
הוּא הָיָה אִישׁ חָזָק, אִישׁ אֲמִתִּי, הוּא בִּקֵּשׁ מֵהֶם שֶׁיְּרַחֲמוּ, שֶׁיִּתְּנוּ לִי הוֹסָפָה, לָתֵת לִי לֶחֶם לַיְלָדִים לֶאֱכֹל, אָמַר: "אֲנִי רוֹצֶה שֶׁתִּתְּנוּ לְיִשְׂרָאֵל בֶּער שֶׁיִּהְיֶה לֶחֶם לַיְלָדִים קְטַנִּים, שֶׁיִּהְיֶה לָהֶם לֶחֶם".
Ay ay ay — had he given, he should have given me generously — tzedakah and money. He had money and he was earning. And he did not give. His giving was ten pennies — that is what he gave me. What does he work for, for whom, for what? But there is no wisdom in him. What he earns and has money — he has no mastery over himself regarding money. That is how he is. And also because I needed to pass through such a path to see what would become of me.
אָז הֵם אָמְרוּ לוֹ: "הוּא אִישׁ יָקָר, אִישׁ כָּשֵׁר, הוּא בֶּן-אָדָם עוֹבֵד הַשֵּׁם, אֲבָל הוּא אוֹמֵר תָּמִיד תְּהִלִּים, תְּפִלּוֹת, זֶה לֹא בֶּן-יְשִׁיבָה. יְשִׁיבָה זֶה רַק לַמְדָּן. הוּא לֹא שׁוֹמֵר הַזְּמַן שֶׁל הַיְשִׁיבָה, הוּא הוֹלֵךְ בֵּין הֶהָרִים. מַה שֶּׁאֲנַחְנוּ נוֹתְנִים לוֹ זֶה רַק מִצַּד הַחֶסֶד שֶׁאֲנַחְנוּ מְרַחֲמִים עָלָיו".
They knew that I was singular in the world!
אָז הוּא הִתְרַגֵּז עֲלֵיהֶם וְאָמַר לָהֶם שֶׁהַתְּהִלִּים שֶׁלִּי יוֹתֵר חָשׁוּב אֵצֶל הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ מֵהַלַּמְדָּנִים שֶׁלָּכֶם!
I did not dwell upon it, I was not resentful — I had no resentment in my heart about why he turned a blind eye. This is how Hashem conducts the world — whoever has no merit, money is given to him: "Do not give to Yisroel Ber — only ten pennies."
הֵם אָמְרוּ: "אֲנַחְנוּ נוֹתְנִים לְכָל יִשְׂרָאֵל, רַק לִבְרֶסְלֵב - לֹא!"
And I — even so, I did not pay attention. In any case, he has no false beliefs — he does not believe in Admorim. And in this I was close to him, very close. He was like me — distant from, not believing in false beliefs. But this is not enough…
"מַה, יִשְׂרָאֵל בֵּער? אָסוּר לָתֵת לוֹ עֶזְרָה, הוּא לוֹמֵד סִפְרֵי בְּרֶסְלֶב בְּתוֹךְ הַיְשִׁיבָה, הוּא לוֹמֵד בְּכָל הַיּוֹם 'לִקּוּטֵי הֲלָכוֹת'. אָסוּר לְרַחֵם עָלָיו! אַתָּה לֹא יוֹדֵעַ שֶׁהוּא לוֹמֵד סִפְרֵי בְּרֶסְלֶב? לֹא נִתֵּן לוֹ כְּלוּם!"
And so I walked to Sha'arei Chesed [a Jerusalem neighborhood] to speak of Rabbenu with this one and that one. Had I said that I was suffering poverty — well, in Yerushalayim there are many poor.
אֲנִי לֹא הָיִיתִי נִכְלַל, לֹא הָיִיתִי בֶּן-יְשִׁיבָה, הַמְנַהֵל הַגָּדוֹל אָמַר לְהָרַב אֶלְפַנְדְּרִי: "אֲנַחְנוּ הַכֹּל נִשְׂמָע לְךָ, רַק זֶה – לֹא. אֲנַחְנוּ מִתְבַּיְּשִׁים מִמֶּנּוּ. אֲנַחְנוּ לֹא רוֹצִים אוֹתוֹ, שֶׁיֵּלֵךְ מִכָּאן!"
Oy — who knows, who can tell, who can estimate such things. I could have become mad, or a thief, or something like that. Can the mind grasp such a thing — a child with no clothing and no bread and no shoes on his feet, and they did not pay the school fees and every month they were thrown out of cheder for not bringing money. Who can truly understand this — what kind of suffering is this? Who can estimate the pain and the hurt and the shame — who can estimate it. Now I tell it and I laugh and I am in joy — but then, who can estimate what was in my heart, the suffering and the brokenness of heart?
הֵם אָמְרוּ שֶׁלֹּא יִתְּנוּ אֲבָל הֵם פָּחֲדוּ מִמֶּנּוּ, הוּא הָיָה אִישׁ חָזָק וְהוּא לֹא הִתְבַּיֵּשׁ אֲפִלּוּ לִפְנֵי הַקְּדוֹשִׁים הַגְּדוֹלִים, הוּא הָיָה שֵׁם גָּדוֹל וְהָיָה גָּאוֹן בַּתּוֹרָה וְחָסִיד, אָז הֵם נָתְנוּ חֲצִי לִירָה לְחֹדֶשׁ. אוֹי יוֹי יוֹי יוֹי...
Oy — the Master of the Universe knows the truth. However much I tell it still does not reach what it truly was! And blessed be Hashem — I did not submit myself to falsehood. Blessed be Hashem I was strong — I laughed at all of them. I was a mighty, strong warrior and did not submit myself to anything! I lived in Teveriah with no livelihood, and I traveled to Yerushalayim to hear some word from Rabbenu. I traveled to Yerushalayim and was joyful there. And when I returned from Yerushalayim I found my daughter so ill — so far from life, in such an illness… My wife said to me: "You caused her this! She missed you and fell into such illness — she longed for her father." And blessed be Hashem — she recovered.
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