The Full Story — Expelled One Month After the Wedding; Two and a Half Years Homeless

[Yiddish:] "But, holy, precious, dear brothers — I am struggling very hard, and there is very great compassion for me, to my sorrow. In spiritual matters — oh woe! It is very bitter for me, to my sorrow. I am lying nearly in complete despair — were it not for what Rabbainu the Holy and Awesome Nachman cried out: 'Oh (Gott!) — do not despair!' — I would certainly have despaired. I cannot pray, I cannot plead, I cannot cry out. My speech — the mouth — is, to my sorrow, in exile. That is worse than everything. And the baal davar throws into me all manner of foreign thoughts and evil thoughts, and ulterior motives, and pride — G‑d forbid, G‑d forbid. I know no counsel to give myself. 'Morning says: would it were evening; evening says: would it were morning.' [Deuteronomy 28:67 — the verse of the deepest curse, turned here into an expression of spiritual suffering: not knowing day from night, unable to find a moment of clarity] Oh (Gott!) — so many labors and troubles — so many — how I struggle without measure. And in the end — to be so far from G‑d, blessed be He, and from Rabbainu the Holy one. Oh (Gott!) — it has already been several years that I have been praying and hoping to come to the Tzion of Rabbainu the Holy one. And no one hears and no one sees. What will be the ultimate purpose? Oh (Gott!) oh (Gott!) oh (Gott!). Is it conceivable that I was created to waste my days in such vanity? Is it conceivable? Is it conceivable? Is it conceivable? How long? How long? How long? How long will I be so distant? How long will they pursue the bestial sins? [an ellipsis in the original] Oh (Gott!) — I am in very great compassion: that I did not merit to be at Rabbainu's holy Tzion, and I am very far from the service of Hashem — and I have, to my sorrow, many sins, transgressions, and iniquities — G‑d forbid, G‑d forbid, G‑d forbid. And I have not yet tasted at all, to my sorrow, of Rabbainu's matter at all. And the greatest compassion is when a Jew falls into a sin — there is no greater compassion than that. And I have great weakness of understanding — that I am so far from G‑d, blessed be He — completely, completely — so far, so far. I cannot pray at all. I have no idea what one does, how one saves oneself."

[Yiddish — the full disclosure of what happened after the wedding:] "From when I began to know of Rabbainu — very much has been happening to me, both in spiritual and material matters. It is already approximately five years that I have begun to engage in Rabbainu's matter. And from then until now — I have not had even a moment of rest. For the entire city held us and pursued us [i.e., the entire community took sides against the Breslov group]. And I suffered much toil and effort and self-sacrifice — G‑d alone knows. And this is about two and a half years that I am wandering and living here in a study hall — and I have no resting place whatsoever. For one month after my wedding — a great dispute erupted against me. And they threw me out of the house without tallis and tefillin [without even his prayer garments — the most basic religious necessity; this is an act of profound degradation]. And they took from me all my wedding things — many of them. And I was left destitute and lacking everything. And I have been struggling and toiling here, twisting and turning, for two years and four months. I no longer have strength to endure this struggling and suffering. It is, to my sorrow, very bitter. Things are happening without measure. And the baal davar pursues from every direction without any compassion — he wants to destroy from both worlds. Holy, precious, dear brothers — is it conceivable that I was created to waste my days in such vanity? Oh woe! Oh woe! One is very far from Rabbainu's…"