Age 22 — White Hair From Suffering — "My Life Is No Life"

And beyond this — I am very far from the service of Hashem in the utmost degree of distance — and from Torah — and especially from prayer. And the baal davar torments me with severe and bitter torments — literally not a moment without affliction. And what will be my ultimate purpose? The days of youth are passing — and I am 22 years old — and already my hair is going white from the suffering. And I do not merit to the service of Hashem. And also — half a body [פלג גוף — again: half his bodily lifespan or strength]. And still I have not merited to be at the holy Tzion. And it is bitter from every side and direction. G‑d, blessed be He, knows the truth — and it is impossible to measure or assess it. Therefore — please, please — have compassion! Have mercy! Have pity! Have grace upon me! On behalf of a wretched and lowly soul as mine — I am so very far from the service of Hashem. Is it conceivable that I was created to waste my days in such vanity? Is it conceivable? Is it conceivable? Please — do not be silent, do not be still! Arouse great compassion — that I merit to come to the holy Tzion this Rosh Hashana — and to be a true Breslov Chassid — and to do true and complete repentance — and all goodness forever. And to arouse the fellowship to pray greatly for compassion — for all the fellowship of the Holy Land — and especially of Jerusalem the Holy City — and especially on the eve of Rosh Hashana and Rosh Hashana. Please arouse all the fellowship to pray for compassion for the fellowship of the Holy Land — and especially for me, the crushed and humbled one. And to perform a pidyon at the holy Tzion on the eve of Rosh Hashana — on behalf of these people: