T48 (Tinyana) PNC - Hisrachkus Is Entirely Hiskarvus; Persistence; 'Hundred Years' Tree; Azamre

When a person enters the service of Hashem, the way is that they show him distance: it seems Heaven is pushing him away, refusing to let him enter avodas Hashem. But in truth, all this distance is entirely closeness. Tremendous strengthening is needed not to fall in one's mind when one sees that years pass with great toil and one is still far, still full of coarseness, physicality, and distracting thoughts, and whatever one tries to do for Hashem he is blocked from. It begins to feel as though Hashem doesn't notice him at all, since he keeps crying out and prostrating and is still very far. Yet against all this — strengthen yourself greatly, do not look at any of this. All the distance is really closeness. All the true tzaddikim passed through this exact place; they said explicitly that it seemed to them that Hashem did not look at them at all because they prayed and toiled long and were still very far. Had they not strengthened themselves to ignore this feeling, they would have remained in their first place and never reached what they reached. The principle, beloved brother: be very strong; cling with all your strength to remain in your service; do not worry, do not look at anything written above. Even if you are very far and feel you sin against Him every hour — know that for someone so coarse, every single tiny movement of detaching even slightly from physicality and turning to Hashem is enormous and precious. Even one small point of separation from physicality runs you thousands of parsa'os in the upper worlds (the story of the tzaddik who was overcome by atzvus in Sippurei Ma'asios). Therefore rejoice greatly and constantly strengthen yourself in simchah — atzvus is extremely damaging. The moment a person wants to enter avodas Hashem, atzvus is itself a great sin: 'atzvus is sitra achara' (Zohar Noach 71) — Hashem hates it. Be extremely stubborn in avodas Hashem — do not abandon your place, the little of your service you have begun, no matter what passes over you. Remember this well; you will need it greatly.

Great stubbornness is required to stand in one's place even if Heaven causes one to fall again and again. Sometimes a person is made to fall from avodas Hashem; even then, he must do what he can, never abandon himself to fall completely. All the falls, descents, and confusions are necessary to pass through before entering the gates of holiness — even the true tzaddikim passed through them. Some are already at the very opening of holiness and turn back because of these confusions; others, when they come close to the entrance, are attacked by the sitra achara and the baal davar with overwhelming, terrible force, blocking them from entering, and they retreat. This is the way of the baal davar: when he sees a person nearly at the gates, he spreads over him with maximum strength. A true tzaddik said that had anyone, anyone at all, told him at the start of his service, 'My brother, be strong, hold yourself' — he would have run and hastened greatly in avodas Hashem; for all the same things passed over him, and no one offered him any chizuk. So whoever wants to enter avodas Hashem must remember this well: strengthen yourself greatly, do what you can, and over many days and years you will surely enter the gates of holiness — Hashem is full of mercy and wants your service greatly. Know also that every detachment, every small turning from physicality to His service, gathers and binds together and comes to your aid in the time of need, when there is — God forbid — pressure and distress. And know: a person must cross over a very, very narrow bridge — and the principle and essence is not to be afraid at all.

Know that there is a tree which grows leaves, and each leaf must grow for a hundred years; it is found in the orchards of the nobles, and they call it in their language 'a hundred years.' Surely, when it grows for a hundred years, much certainly passes over it; and afterward, at the end of the hundred years, it shoots out with a great sound like a cannon ('aramatya'). Understand the lesson well.

It is fitting to walk with the teaching Azamre l'Elokai b'odi (Likutey Moharan I:282): seek and search to find some merit in yourself, some good point. With this little bit of good, rejoice and strengthen yourself, and do not abandon your place, even if you fell to whatever you fell. Strengthen yourself with the tiny bit of good still found in you until you merit, through this, to return to Hashem — and all the intentional sins are turned into merits (Yoma 86b). And what did the Baal Shem Tov do at sea, when the baal davar tempted him? From this, understand how far you must strengthen yourself, never despairing, no matter what. The main thing is simchah always: gladden yourself with whatever you can — even through 'milei dishtuta,' making yourself foolish and engaging in matters of foolishness, jest, jumps, and dances — to come to simchah, which is a very great matter.