קא

For Yom Tov in General May

My soul longs and even pines for the courtyards of Hashem; my heart and my flesh sing out to the living G‑d [Psalms 84:3]. My soul thirsts for You; my flesh longs for You — in a parched and weary land without water [Psalms 63:2]. My soul thirsts for G‑d — for the living G‑d; when shall I come and appear before G‑d? [Psalms 42:3]. Master of the Universe — You know the immensity of the multitude of obstacles that I have now from every matter of holiness — from Torah and prayer and good deeds; for it is impossible to describe even a fraction of the multitude of confusions and obstacles and obstructions that I have from every holy matter. And even when I do some commandment or some holy thing — it is very confused and mixed up; very far from the perfection of the repair that one needs to effect through every commandment; for through my many iniquities I have grown very distant from Your Torah and Your commandments; and I seem in my own eyes now as one wandering in the desert literally — a place of darkness and gloom; a parched land and the shadow of death; and I know not at all what to do to return to the true and straight and correct path — to be as Your good will desires in perfection in truth. And I go through this passing world like a drunken man and like one overcome by wine; staggering and wandering; confused and demented in thousands and tens of thousands of confusions upon confusions and obstacles upon obstacles — that prevent me and confuse me from drawing close to You and to Your Torah in perfection in truth — for which I was created. And what shall I do on the day of accounting; and what shall I do when G‑d arises and when He visits — what shall I answer Him. And I know not at all by what to revive my wretched and very very bitter soul — so blemished and so demented; except through longing and yearning and desire for You and for Your service; as You have revealed to us through Your holy sages the immensity of the greatness of the will and the desire [cheshek] of holiness. Therefore I have come before You — our Father in Heaven; Father — compassionate Father; Who rewards the guilty with good: reward me with all good; and grant me merit to yearn and to long and to desire always with intense longing for You and for Your service and for Your Torah — with very strong and powerful will; until I merit through Your mercies to learn greatly every day; and to pray and to say many supplications and entreaties and songs and praises greatly every day and every day; and to perform many commandments and good deeds greatly every day and every day all the days of my life. And even at a time when I am compelled by necessity to cease according to Your will — even if at times I am in a place where it is impossible to learn or to engage in Your service there — may You grant me merit and help me that I have strong desire and will to learn Torah and to serve You in truth; until the will shall ascend before You as if I had actually fulfilled Your commandments and studied Your Torah. Full of mercy — have mercy upon me and be in my help; and grant me merit that I begin to accustom myself to yearn and to long and to desire always with strong and true will and desire for Your Torah and Your service; and to draw close to You in truth; until I merit through the true desire and will that is in the heart — to learn from within the supernal Book that is written upon the supernal Heart [sefer hanikhtav al halev haelyon] through the true tzadikim; for You listen and hear their words that each speaks in his place; and You join them together and write from them a Book of Remembrance for those who think in their hearts and who truly desire to learn Your Torah and to do Your will; as it is written: Then those who fear Hashem spoke to one another; and Hashem listened and heard; and a Book of Remembrance was written before Him for those who fear Hashem and who think upon His Name [Malachi 3:16]. Grant me merit also to receive and to draw upon myself a great illumination from this Heart — and to learn from within this Book; for I am very far from everything; but I await Your mercies and Your lovingkindnesses — that You grant me merit to true will and desire for You and for Your service and for Your Torah; in such a manner that I merit to return to You speedily in truth as Your good will desires. Have pity and compassion upon me through Your abundant mercies; through Your great mercies. Help me for I lean upon You — for You are the splendor of their strength; and by Your will may our horn be elevated [Psalms 89:18]. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable before You — Hashem, my Rock and my Redeemer [Psalms 19:15]. Amen and Amen. And through this may I merit to the forty-nine gates of understanding [mem-tes sha'arei binah] that are revealed and illuminate on the holy Yom Tov. And may You open for me the light of holy intellect; and may I merit to great and wondrous insight into Your Torah and Your service in truth. And through this may all the foolishnesses of all manner of arrogance and coarseness and haughtiness of spirit be nullified from me; and may I merit to ultimate humility in perfection as Your good will desires. And may You draw down upon me and upon all of Israel always the holiness of Moshe our master [Moshe Rabbeinu] upon him be peace — who merited to the forty-nine gates of understanding; and through this he merited to humility in truth; as it is written: And the man Moshe was very humble — more than all the men upon the face of the earth [Numbers 12:3]. Have mercy upon us — full of mercy; that we merit through the power of the reception of the holy Yom Tovim — the appointed times of Hashem; the holy convocations — to draw upon ourselves the holiness of Moshe our master upon him be peace; and the holiness of all the true tzadikim. And may there be drawn upon us through them all the holy and true intellects and wisdoms that are drawn on Yom Tov; and through this may we merit to nullify and remove from us all manner of arrogance and coarseness and ulterior motives — until we merit to true humility; to the humility of Moshe our master upon him be peace. Master of the Universe — You know the immensity of my distance from true humility; for I am more boorish than any man and have no human understanding [Proverbs 30:2]. And through my many iniquities I know not at all what true humility is; for humility is greater than everything. Have mercy upon me — Master of mercies; and grant me merit to the holiness of Yom Tov in truth; until I merit through this to know and to recognize well the greatness and the importance of the true tzadikim; until I am nullified before them in ultimate nullification; and through this all manner of arrogance and grandeur and haughtiness and coarseness and ulterior motives shall from themselves be nullified from me — beyond what the mouth can speak and the heart can think; until I merit to true humility as Your good will truly desires. Merciful One — full of mercy: help me and save me and fill my entreaties for good with mercies — for You know the hidden things of the heart; and how very very far I am from all that I have mentioned before You; and how very much salvation and mercies I need to merit to all this. And through my many iniquities the ways of prayer and supplication and entreaty have become hidden from me — how to pray and to supplicate and to request and to appease and to conciliate You; that You grant me merit to reach all the ways of holiness in truth — which are our life and the length of our days eternally. Yet with all this — whatever You graciously grant me through Your mercies to set forth my conversation before You — I shall strengthen myself with all my might to speak and to supplicate before You; and do with me as is good in Your eyes — for You understand the hidden things of the heart; and You know that I have no one to lean upon except upon You — my Father in Heaven; and upon the power and the merit of the true tzadikim. For Your sake and for their sake — do what You shall do; through Your mercies and Your lovingkindnesses; in such a manner that I merit in any case from now to return to You in truth and to walk in Your holy ways; in such a manner that I merit to fulfill Your will and to carry out Your holy and good intention for which I was created. Hashem will complete on my behalf; Hashem — Your lovingkindness is forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands [Psalms 138:8]. Give ear to my words O Hashem; understand my meditation [Psalms 5:2]. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable before You — Hashem, my Rock and my Redeemer [Psalms 19:15]. Amen and Amen.