צט

The sacrifices of G‑d are a broken spirit; a broken and crushed heart — O G‑d You will not despise [Psalms 51:19].

Master of the Universe — full of mercy; Who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [Psalms 147:3]: You know my heart — broken, crushed and humbled. Look from Heaven and see at whom You have done this; see my affliction — full of mercy; have pity upon the breaking of my heart — broken into shards and splinters; like a hammer that shatters rock — so has my heart been shattered and broken; for the thoughts of my heart are scattered and banished to the ends of the earth.

In truth — I am guilty from every side; but You know that I did not intend to anger You, G‑d forbid; for my desire is to do Your will; only the leaven in the dough [se'or sheba'isah] delays me. And You have already written about Yourself that all the powers of the evil inclination and its armies that cause the children of man to sin — are all from You; and You regret them every day for having created them and given them such power; as it is written: And that I have caused harm [Genesis 6:7] — as our sages of blessed memory interpreted; and it is written: Why O Hashem do You lead us astray from Your paths; do You harden our heart from fearing You [Isaiah 63:17].

For behold Your enemies are in an uproar and those who hate You have raised their head.

Master of the Universe — You know the secrets of the world and the hidden things of the secrets of all that is alive; You search all the chambers of the belly and examine mind and heart. You know that I have no support or hope for true and eternal good — except through my setting forth my conversation before You — Master of mercies. But before You all the hidden things of the heart are revealed; and You know how hard and heavy this itself is for me — for they confuse me and prevent me from it greatly; and even if at times — through Your great compassion — You send me certain words; and I begin to set forth my conversation and my bitter heart before You; then suddenly my heart is blocked mid-speech; and I remain astonished — like one who is struck mute in the very midst of his words literally; so too suddenly the power of speech departs from me; and my heart is sealed and my thoughts are bewildered; and I know not what to do — for suddenly I have been made mute; I will not open my mouth for You have done this [Psalms 39:10]. I was dumb with silence; I held my peace from good; and my pain was stirred [Psalms 39:3]. And I seem as if I have turned backward from You, G‑d forbid; and You are as if hiding Your face from me. And You have already revealed to us that all this is drawn through a blemish of faith [pegam emunah] which is considered like idolatry [avodah zarah].

And now what shall I do — our Father in Heaven — to atone for all this; to repair and to atone for all the evil imaginings and evil thoughts and confused ideas that arise upon my spirit; and in particular for the imaginings of idolatry which are a blemish of faith and which are the hardest of all. Alas — what shall I do that You turn Your face toward me; and I shall return to You in truth. When shall I merit this; when shall I come and appear before G‑d [Psalms 42:3]. When, when — when shall I merit to complete and strong and firm faith; until I merit to set forth my conversation before You face to face; as a man speaks to his friend; and there shall be no curtain of separation between me and You. Have mercy upon me — Master of mercies; and grant me merit and help me and save me — that I accustom myself to sighing a great sigh from the very depths of the heart in truth; over the immensity of my distance from You through my many iniquities; and in particular over the blemish of faith — through which my mouth was blocked mid-speech; and I fell as if from the heavens to the earth. Grant me merit to feel my very great pain and suffering in truth; until I sigh a true sigh from the depths of the heart; and may my spirit be truly broken within me; in such a manner that Your true mercies be aroused upon me.

And may my broken spirit ascend and come and arrive and appear and be accepted before You through my sigh — as if I had offered a burnt offering before You to atone for the imaginings of the heart. And through Your great compassion — open Your hand with mercy and with will; and return me in complete repentance before You in truth. And through the breath that I exhale and the breath that I inhale at the time of the sigh — may You draw upon me through this a great illumination from the Name [Shem] that emerges from the verse: Pote'ach es yadecha umasbia l'chol chai ratzon [You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living being — Psalms 145:16]; and through this may You cut and saw my soul and my spirit from the aspect of back-to-back [achor be'achor]; and may You turn me and restore me to You in the aspect of face-to-face [panim b'fanim]. Our Father in Heaven — faithful and true King; G‑d of faith: You know all that befalls each and every one of us concerning the holy faith; for through Your abundant mercies and Your great love for Your people Israel — You had compassion upon us and planted within us Your holy faith which we inherited from our fathers. Fortunate are we — how good is our portion and how pleasant is our lot and how beautiful is our inheritance. However — because of the immensity of the multitude of my iniquities there still arise upon the heart alien thoughts that are against Your holy faith; which is the very essence of distancing and the hiding of the face and the greatest trouble of all the troubles of the world; as it is written: Is it not because my G‑d is not within me that all these evils have found me? [Deuteronomy 31:17].

Have mercy upon us — full of mercy; with great mercies; with abundant mercies. And guard us and save us from now from all manner of heresy and imaginings and thoughts that are against Your holy faith. Rather may we merit to hold fast to the ways of our holy fathers — to believe in You Hashem our G‑d; and in Your holy Torah and in Your true tzadikim; with complete, clear and firm faith. And may the faith be so strong — as if I behold You Blessed be You — eye to eye; in such a manner that through this Your awe shall be upon my face — this being the shame; so that I not sin any further sin or iniquity; and not blemish any blemish at all. And at every time that there should arise upon my mind, G‑d forbid, any thought of any desire or will that is against Your will — may there immediately fall upon me dread and terror and awe and great shame from before You — for You stand over me at every time and moment and see my deeds and know the hidden matters of my heart and my thoughts; for I cannot hide from You; for the fullness of all the earth is His glory. And as it is written: If a man should hide in secret places — can I not see him? — declares Hashem. Do I not fill the heavens and the earth? [Jeremiah 23:24].

And may I merit through the strength of the holy faith to pray and to supplicate and to engage in hitbodedus [private personal prayer] and to set forth all my conversation before You always with a whole heart and with a correct thought; that the thought shall be bound to the words of prayer with a strong and firm bond — without any ulterior motive and without any inclination to the side at all, G‑d forbid. And may all my words and my conversations with You be face to face — as a man speaks to his friend. Mouth to mouth I shall speak with You — all that is in my heart. And I shall pour out my soul like water before Hashem [Lamentations 2:19]. And I shall tell before You all my heart — with mercies and supplications; with words of grace and appeasement and conciliation; with a broken and crushed heart in truth — like a son who wheedles before his father; until Your mercies shall be aroused and Your innards shall move upon me for the immensity of my distance from You until now. And may You begin from now to save me with a complete and true eternal salvation — that I merit from now to return to You in truth and in perfection. And may You lead me and guide me in Your truth at every time and moment; and may I not deviate from Your will right or left. And may You have pity and mercy upon me like the mercy of a father upon a son.

And save me at every time with all manner of salvations; and draw me close with all manner of drawing near eternally; and may we not turn back from You — grant us life and in Your Name shall we be called. Hashem G‑d of hosts — return us; illuminate Your face and we shall be saved [Psalms 80:4]. Blessed is Hashem forever — Amen and Amen [Psalms 89:53]. And in particular from all the harsh decrees that have been heard in our days — that they seek to decree, G‑d forbid G‑d forbid: have pity upon the remnant of Your people the House of Israel and nullify them from upon us with complete nullification — for there is no one who stands in our defense; let Your great Name stand for us in a time of distress; for Hashem did not speak to blot out the name of Israel, G‑d forbid. Master of the Universe — in proportion to the depth of our descent now at the end of this long and bitter exile — in which we have descended wondrously; as it is written: She has fallen wondrously; there is no one to comfort her [Lamentations 1:9]; and we are distanced from You as we are distanced — as each person knows somewhat within himself; and every day we say: what will be our end; and we strengthen ourselves and await every day for salvation — perhaps He will be moved now; perhaps He will have mercy now; perhaps we shall begin to be aroused from now to abandon our evil way and our shameful thoughts etc. And if, G‑d forbid, G‑d forbid, it should come to pass — that yet another decree from the decrees that have been heard that they desire to decree G‑d forbid be added upon Israel — it would be almost as if there were no hope, G‑d forbid; for even now the burden of exile is heavy and difficult upon us; and many of Your people Israel have grown distant from You because of the burden of the bitterness of exile — in material and spiritual matters; for from every side they lie in ambush against us — from above and below — in body and soul and money; as is revealed before You Who knows all hidden things. And now Hashem our G‑d — our Father: we are the clay and You are our Potter; and we are all the work of Your hands [Isaiah 64:7].

Do not be exceedingly angry Hashem; and do not remember iniquity forever; behold look now — we are all Your people [Isaiah 64:8]. See Your people very afflicted; see how the hand has weakened and there is none remaining or abandoned in Israel [Deuteronomy 32:36]. Our Father in Heaven — remember please all the prayers and supplications and entreaties that the true tzadikim prayed and entreated to nullify these decrees that began to sprout in their days. Remember please all the kinds of sweetening that the tzadikim engaged in to sweeten the judgments and to nullify all the decrees. Remember and look upon all the tears they poured before You like water for this. And how many wondrous and awesome Torah teachings they said for this sake. And how many sweetening-acts they sweetened through the joy and the clapping of hands and dancing in the joy of a mitzvah. And all that they effected and did and surrendered their souls for this — to nullify all the decrees that they seek to decree, G‑d forbid.

And through Your abundant mercies — through their great power they were delayed until now. Act for the sake of Your Name; and for the sake of their prayer and for the sake of the sweetening of all the true righteous ones who dwell in the dust and engaged in these things in their holy lives; and for the sake of their prayer that they still pray for Your people Israel. And do what You shall do — through Your abundant mercies and Your immense lovingkindnesses and Your awesome wonders; and break and demolish and uproot and destroy and nullify all the decrees that they seek to decree, G‑d forbid. And incline the heart of the emperors and kings and ministers toward us for good; and all who rise against us for evil — swiftly foil their counsel and spoil their thoughts. And may the verse be fulfilled in us: He foils the thoughts of the crafty so that their hands achieve no success [Job 5:12]. And it is written: Many are the thoughts in a man's heart; but the counsel of Hashem — it shall stand [Proverbs 19:21]. And it is written: Hashem has thwarted the counsel of nations; He has foiled the plans of peoples.

The counsel of Hashem shall stand forever; the thoughts of His heart to all generations [Psalms 33:10–11]. Master of all worlds — Who chooses His people Israel with love: look from Heaven and see that we have become a mockery and a scorn; look and see the lowliness of Israel at this time. Full of mercy; Master of salvations; Lord of wonders; King of Israel and its Redeemer; Rock of Israel and its Holy One — arise to the help of Israel; arise and save us in the time of distress. May Your mercies be aroused upon Your children for Your sake; for Your sake; for Your sake — act and not for us; see how we stand — impoverished and empty. Have mercy upon us — Master of mercies; and do not pour Your wrath upon us; and nullify from upon us the thoughts of our enemies; nullify from upon us all harsh decrees; and act as Your wonders — that everything should be transformed for good. And may the horn and the fortune of Israel be elevated; and may You give them grace and importance — above and below. And lighten from upon us the burden of subjugation and the taxes; and give us livelihood in honor and in spaciousness and in what is permitted — in holiness and purity; in such a manner that we merit to be as Your good will desires in truth always. And help us and save us every day and at all times to pray our prayers and our supplications before You with a whole heart; and to break all the alien thoughts and ulterior motives that arise upon our minds — and to transform them for good.

And give us strength and might at all times to pull and to transform the thought from evil to good; from outside to inside — with great alacrity in truth. And may we merit to bring all the thoughts — both inner and outer — inside the holy words of prayer; until all the alien thoughts and ulterior motives are completely nullified — and they shall not arise or come upon my mind and thought at all. And may our prayer be complete and fluent and well-ordered in our mouths always in ultimate perfection — in humility; in awe and fear and trembling and shaking; until we have the power to rule through our prayers to nullify all the decrees and all the judgments through our prayers — both those affecting the collective of Israel and each individual of Israel in particular. In such a manner that You shall take delight and derive pleasure from our prayers always; and all the ten utterances that sustain the world shall be revealed and illuminated; and great and wondrous lovingkindness shall be drawn in the world upon Your people Israel. And the verse shall be fulfilled: For I said: The world shall be built with lovingkindness; in the heavens You shall establish Your faithfulness [Psalms 89:3]. And it is written: The lovingkindness of G‑d is all day long [Psalms 52:3]. And through this may You draw down upon us an abundance of goodness and blessing and mercy and life and peace and all good at every time and every hour. And hasten and hurry to redeem us; and bring us our righteous Mashiach speedily in our days — Amen Selah.