עג

But still my mind was not clear about this matter. And I did not know in myself how to settle my mind. Sometimes my mind was settled to travel certainly. And sometimes the opposite. And sometimes I was in doubt without resolution. But I settled myself every time: what concern is it of mine to confuse my mind at this time? Right now I am here and I need to travel from this city to the next city that I need. And why should I worry and think about tomorrow? When the time comes that I need to travel to Odessa — I will settle my mind then. And even then — no great settling is needed. For to Odessa I can travel even if — Heaven forbid — I will not travel from there further. For only when I will be — if Hashem wills it — in Odessa — there I will settle: whether to return home or to travel on the ship. And all of this I was compelled to settle in my mind countless times beyond number — in order to quiet the pursuit of my thoughts which were troubled and confused every time about this matter. And every time I needed to travel from place to place — I had great doubts. For in truth — the true truth was that the main purpose of my leaving home at the first hour was only in order to circulate among our anshei sh'lomaynu — to collect some sum of money for the travel expenses — and to travel from there to Odessa — perhaps I would merit to come to Eretz Yisroel. But because of the great obstacles of the mind in my heart — I was compelled to tell my heart that right now I was only traveling to this one place. For even without the journey to Eretz Yisroel — I needed to travel to Uman in any case at present. And when I came to Uman — I was truly in doubt whether to travel further. And I was compelled to travel. And afterward when I traveled from Uman — I had many doubts also in Tiraovitse — whether to travel at all now to our people — because of the great ruined road conditions — and the great expense and small gain. For times were very pressed in the world. And Hashem helped me every time. And I traveled to Tcheirin. And behold — already the doubts whether to travel to the surrounding communities of our anshei sh'lomaynu had ceased. For upon reaching Tcheirin — certainly I must be in Medzibuizh and Kremintchoug and so on. And I would not return home until I had been there. But my heart was still divided about traveling to Odessa. And behold — Hashem arranges circumstances for the good in His mercy. And every person is obligated to say: for my sake the world was created. (Sanhedrin 37) And all that occurs in the world — all of it is done for him. And in particular for me — for whom Rabbainu zichrono livracha explicitly said on the way to Uman: everything is ours. For a person is obligated to say: for my sake the world was created — for are we not traveling here and so on? And if so — he included me with him regarding the creation of the world in the six days of creation.