נב
ימי מוהרנ"ת - Yemei Moharnat
בְּראשׁ הַשָּׁנָה הָאַחֲרוֹן שֶׁהָיָה בְּאוּמֶין שֶׁחָל בְּיוֹם שַׁבַּת קדֶשׁ אָז, נֶחֱלַשׁ מְאד בְּאוֹתוֹ יוֹם, דְּהַיְנוּ בְּיוֹם שַׁבַּת קדֶשׁ רִאשׁוֹן דְּראשׁ הַשָּׁנָה וְהִתְחִיל לָצֵאת דֶּרֶךְ פִּיו דָּם הַרְבֵּה וְהוּא הָיָה מִתְיָרֵא מְאד כְּשֶׁיָּצָא מִמֶּנּוּ דָּם עַל יְדֵי הַהוּסְט, בִּפְרָט עַתָּה שֶׁיָּצְאוּ מִמֶּנּוּ דָּמִים הַרְבֵּה בְּלִי שִׁעוּר וְהָיָה חַלָּשׁ מְאד וְדַרְכּוֹ הָיְתָה תָּמִיד לוֹמַר תּוֹרָה בְּיוֹם רִאשׁוֹן דְּראשׁ הַשָּׁנָה לְעֵת עֶרֶב בֵּין הַשְּׁמָשׁוֹת שֶׁל יוֹם שֵׁנִי, וּכְבָר נִתְאַסְּפוּ כָּל הָעוֹלָם לַבַּיִת הַגָּדוֹל שֶׁהָיָה מוּכָן שֶׁיּאמַר בּוֹ תּוֹרָה וְהָיָה שָׁם דּחַק גָּדוֹל מְאד מֵרִבּוּי הָעָם וְכֻלָּם הָיוּ עוֹמְדִים וּמְצַפִּים שֶׁיִּכְנס לוֹמַר תּוֹרָה וְהָיוּ עֵינֵיהֶם כָּלוֹת עַד הָעֶרֶב וַעֲדַיִן לא נִכְנַס מֵעצֶם חֲלִישׁוּתוֹ שֶׁהָיָה כָּבֵד עַד שֶׁכִּמְעַט שֶׁנִּגְוַע
For even after Yom Kippur — at the first time I departed from him — he had wished to take that book from me. But afterward he reconsidered and did not take it. And then when I had returned to him as mentioned and remained until now — he took the book from me. And I still did not then know his intention in this — for he had not yet revealed to any person that he desired to print his book. On the contrary, his way had always been to warn that his Torah should not be revealed to others who were not among the men of our circle. And behold, at the time that Rabbainu zichrono livracha was prepared to travel to Lemberg — I was then very anxious and rushed. For the men of our circle who were negidim, who had first taken me to Mohilov and then returned — as mentioned above — now they had again traveled to Mohilov. And they did not wish to take me. And after my entreaties they agreed to take me with them. And they wished to accompany Rabbainu zichrono livracha until the holy community of Krasni, and from there they would travel to Mohilov. And they traveled immediately with Rabbainu zichrono livracha until the holy community of Krasni. And they commanded me to travel after them with the other wagons from here that were accompanying Rabbainu zichrono livracha until there. And the wagons that were to accompany him were delayed somewhat after Rabbainu zichrono livracha had already departed — for he left in haste. And I had great pain — for I greatly longed, perhaps I would yet merit to be satiated with the joy of seeing his holy face, and perhaps I would yet merit to hear some more words from his holy mouth. So I had great pain from the delay. And Hashem Blessed be He helped me and I traveled after him. But I could not catch up with his wagons. And in my great haste I forgot my box with my writings along the way — in the holy community of Pitchere. And we were compelled to send after them. And they were returned to me along the way at the place where they had stopped to rest. And I found Rabbainu zichrono livracha there — but he did not speak with me at all. And as soon as I came to the village where he was stopping — after a brief while he traveled from there — for he had arrived there much earlier. And I was compelled to linger there to give feed to the horses. And afterward I traveled from there — and I was also in a great rush and hurry because I could not catch up with him. And in the meantime the day had turned and night had arrived. And there was mud and mire. And we traveled slowly. And I was afraid lest Rabbainu zichrono livracha had gone to some inn in secret — as was often his way — and no one would know where he was. And it was possible that I would not know where he was and in the morning he would travel on his way and I would not merit to see him. Therefore I was very rushed in anguish and haste.
בְּתוֹךְ שֶׁהָיִינוּ עוֹמְדִים שָׁם וּמְצַפִּים אַף עַל פִּי כֵן אוּלַי יָבוֹא וְגַם אֲנִי הָיִיתִי בְּתוֹךְ הַקִּבּוּץ שָׁם, שָׁלַח לִקְרא אוֹתִי לָבוֹא אֶצְלוֹ וְנִכְנַסְתִּי אֵלָיו וְהִתְחִיל לִקְּבּל לְפָנַי מַה לַּעֲשׂוֹת וְהוּא זִכְרוֹנוֹ לִבְרָכָה הָיָה יוֹשֵׁב, וְסַף שֶׁל נְחֹשֶׁת עִם דָּם הַרְבֵּה עָמַד עַל יְרֵכוֹ וְהוּא יָשַׁב אֶצְלוֹ עַל מִטָּתוֹ וְכִמְעַט שֶׁהָיָה הַסַּף מָלֵא דָּם וְהִתְחִיל לְדַבֵּר עִמִּי מַה לַּעֲשׂוֹת בְּעִנְיַן אֲמִירַת הַתּוֹרָה וּבִתְחִלָּה הֵשַׁבְתִּי לוֹ מַה לַּעֲשׂוֹת מֵאַחַר שֶׁאִי אֶפְשָׁר אַךְ הוּא זִכְרוֹנוֹ לִבְרָכָה הֵשִׁיב שֶׁיֵּשׁ רַחֲמָנוּת עַל הָעוֹלָם שֶׁבָּאוּ בְּיִסּוּרִים וּטְרָחוֹת וְכוּ' כָּאֵלֶּה וְגַם כָּל יְמֵי הַקַּיִץ הֶעָבַר הָיָה מְצַפֶּה עַל ראשׁ הַשָּׁנָה הַזֶּה שֶׁיּאמַר תּוֹרָה בְּראשׁ הַשָּׁנָה בְּאוּמֶין וְהֵבַנְתִּי שֶׁכָּסְפּוֹ מְאד שֶׁאַף עַל פִּי כֵן יאמַר תּוֹרָה וְהִתְחַלְתִּי לְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ וְאָמַרְתִּי לוֹ הֲלא כְּשֶׁבָּאתֶם מִלֶּמְבֶּרְגְּ הֱיִיתֶם גַּם כֵּן חָלוּשׁ מְאד מְאד וְלא הָיָה שׁוּם דֶּרֶךְ הַטֶּבַע שֶׁתּאמְרוּ תּוֹרָה וְאַף עַל פִּי כֵן הָיָה הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּעֶזְרְכֶם וַאֲמַרְתֶּם תּוֹרָה הַרְבֵּה כַּדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה דִּבַּרְתִּי עִמּוֹ עוֹד, עַד שֶׁהֵשִׁיב לִי אִם כֵּן אֶמְסֹר נַפְשִׁי, כְּאוֹמֵר כְּפִי דְּבָרֶיךָ אֲנִי מוּכָן לוֹמַר תּוֹרָה וַאֲנִי מוֹסֵר נַפְשִׁי עַל זֶה כִּי בֶּאֱמֶת הָיְתָה מְסִירַת נֶפֶשׁ עָצוּם אָז שֶׁיּאמַר תּוֹרָה בַּחֲלִישׁוּת כָּזֶה שֶׁהָיָה כִּמְעַט שֶׁיִּגְוַע בְּכָל עֵת
Afterward — some hours into the night — I came to the holy community of Krasni. And I was immediately told his inn — for there he did not conceal himself, and all the people of the city knew of him. And I came to the place of his inn. And at first he did not draw me near at all. After the evening meal I entered to him in his room — and other men of our circle were also standing before him.
אַךְ צִוָּה עָלַי לְהַעֲמִיד הַכִּסֵּא שֶׁיּאמַר עָלָיו תּוֹרָה, לְהַעֲמִידָהּ סָמוּךְ לַפֶּתַח כְּדֵי שֶׁאִם יָבוֹא לִידֵי סַכָּנָה עַל יְדֵי אֲמִירַת הַתּוֹרָה וְיִהְיֶה נֶחְלָשׁ מְאד שֶׁנּוּכַל לְהוֹצִיאוֹ מְהֵרָה מִשָּׁם כִּי הָעוֹלָם הָיָה הַרְבֵּה מְאד מְאד, וְהָיָה שָׁם דּחַק גָּדוֹל מְאד בְּלִי שִׁעוּר וְאָמַרְתִּי לוֹ שֶׁקָּשֶׁה לְשַׁנּוֹת לְהַעֲמִיד הַכִּסֵּא בְּמָקוֹם אַחֵר מֵהַמָּקוֹם שֶׁהוּעָמְדָה שָׁם מִקּדֶם מֵחֲמַת גּדֶל הַדּחַק מֵהָעוֹלָם שֶׁהֵם עוֹמְדִים צְפוּפִים וּדְחוּקִים מְאד הֵשִׁיב אִם לא תַּעֲמִיד הַכִּסֵּא סָמוּךְ לַפֶּתַח בְּוַדַּאי לא אֶכְנס לוֹמַר תּוֹרָה וְתֵכֶף נִכְנַסְתִּי לְשָׁם וְעָשִׂיתִי שָׁם רַעַשׁ גָּדוֹל וְהִכְרַחְתִּי אֶת הָעוֹלָם לְהִתְפַּזֵּר עַד שֶׁנָּשָׂאנוּ אֶת הַכִּסֵּא מִמָּקוֹם שֶׁהָיְתָה עוֹמֶדֶת שָׁם תְּחִלָּה אֶל הַמָּקוֹם אֲשֶׁר צִוָּה עָלַי דְּהַיְנוּ סָמוּךְ לַפֶּתַח וְאַחַר כָּךְ הוֹדִיעוּ לוֹ וְנִכְנַס הוּא זִכְרוֹנוֹ לִבְרָכָה וְיָשַׁב עַל הַכִּסֵּא וַאֲנַחְנוּ עָמַדְנוּ אֶצְלוֹ וְהַבַּיִת הָיָה מָלֵא אֲנָשִׁים הַרְבֵּה מְאד וְהָיָה שָׁם דּחַק גָּדוֹל שֶׁהָיָה קָשֶׁה מְאד לִסְבּל כִּמְעַט שֶׁעָמַד אֶחָד עַל חֲבֵרוֹ וְהָיָה שָׁם רַעַשׁ גָּדוֹל מִגּדֶל הַדּחַק שֶׁהָיָה מִן הַנִּמְנָע לִסְבּל וּקְצָתָם לא יָכְלוּ לִסְבּל וְהֻכְרְחוּ לָצֵאת שֶׁלּא יִשָּׁאֲרוּ חַלָּשׁוּת וְרֻבָּם כְּכֻלָּם סָבְלוּ הַדּחַק הַגָּדוֹל בְּלִי שִׁעוּר וְהוּא זִכְרוֹנוֹ לִבְרָכָה בְּעצֶם חֲלִישׁוּתוֹ יָשַׁב עַל הַכִּסֵּא בֵּין רִבּוּי עָם כָּזֶה וְיָשַׁב קְצָת כְּדַרְכּוֹ וְאַחַר כָּךְ פָּתַח פִּיו הַקָּדוֹשׁ וְהִתְחִיל לוֹמַר תּוֹרָה אֲבָל אָמַר בְּקוֹל נָמוּךְ מִמַּה שֶּׁהָיָה רָגִיל לוֹמַר תָּמִיד וְלא הָיָה שׁוּם דֶּרֶךְ הַטֶּבַע שֶׁיִּגְמר תּוֹרָה אֲרֻכָּה כָּזאת בַּחֲלִישׁוּת כָּזֶה אַךְ בַּעַל הָרַחֲמִים אֲשֶׁר מַחְשְׁבוֹת לִבּוֹ לְדוֹר וָדוֹר חָמַל עָלֵינוּ וְעַל כְּלַל יִשְׂרָאֵל לְדוֹרוֹת וְעָמַד בְּעֶזְרוֹ עַד שֶׁגָּמַר הַתּוֹרָה בְּנֵס נִפְלָא אַךְ סִיּוּם הַתּוֹרָה אֵיךְ הִיא מְרֻמֶּזֶת בַּפָּסוּק תִּקְעוּ שֶׁהִתְחִיל בּוֹ לא סִיֵּם אָז עַד אַחַר יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים שֶׁאָז סִיֵּם הַפָּסוּק עַל פִּי הַתּוֹרָה הַזּאת לְפָנַי וְהַתּוֹרָה שֶׁאָמַר אָז הִיא הַתּוֹרָה תִּקְעוּ תּוֹכָחָה בְּלִקּוּטֵי תִנְיָנָא בְּסִימָן ח' עַיֵּן שָׁם וְאַחַר כָּךְ צִוָּה לְנַגֵּן נִגּוּן כְּדַרְכּוֹ תָּמִיד, וְאַחַר כָּךְ הָלַךְ מִשָּׁם לְחַדְרוֹ וְכָל הַלַּיְלָה אַחַר כָּךְ הוּא לֵיל שֵׁנִי דְּראשׁ הַשָּׁנָה הָיָה חָלוּשׁ וּמְסֻכָּן מְאד מְאד וְהָלְכוּ לִקְרוֹת אֶת הַדּוֹקְטוֹר וְלָא אִסְתַּיַּע מִלְּתָא שֶׁיָּבוֹא וְאָמַר שֶׁהִיא טוֹבָה גְּדוֹלָה שֶׁלּא בָּא הַדּוֹקְטוֹר וְאָמַר כָּל מִי שֶׁרוֹצֶה לָחוּס עַל חַיָּיו לא יַנִּיחַ שֶׁיָּבוֹא דּוֹקְטוֹר אֵלָיו וְאַף עַל פִּי שֶׁיָּכוֹל לִהְיוֹת שֶׁהוּא בְּעַצְמוֹ יְצַוֶּה לִקְרא דּוֹקְטוֹר, אַף עַל פִּי כֵן לא יַנִּיחוּ שֶׁיָּבוֹא דּוֹקְטוֹר אֵלָיו וַאֲנִי לא הָיִיתִי אָז אֶצְלוֹ כְּשֶׁאָמַר דִּבּוּרִים אֵלּוּ, וְאַף עַל פִּי כֵן לא הָיִיתִי מַסְכִּים עִמָּהֶם בְּשׁוּם אפֶן שֶׁיִּקְרְאוּ דּוֹקְטוֹר אֵלָיו אַךְ נִמְנוּ וְרַבּוּ עָלַי וְקָרְאוּ דּוֹקְטוֹר עַל כָּרְחִי בְּעֶרֶב סֻכּוֹת וְקָרוֹב הַדָּבָר שֶׁהַדּוֹקְטוֹר קֵרַב הִסְתַּלְּקוּתוֹ:
He answered and said to me: "Why are you in a black depression? Perhaps you regret what you have begun?" And I stood humiliated and ashamed, and answered weakly: "No" — meaning, I do not regret, Heaven forbid, what I have begun. He answered and said: "If so, why are you in a black depression?" I answered that I wished to be a decent person [ish kasher]. He answered and said: "If so — that you wish to be a decent person — why should you worry? After all, the entire world toils for you." And he said it in the Ashkenazic tongue in these words: "Di gantze velt harevet oyf dir." "This one travels to Breslov and that one travels here — all for you." And he revived me greatly with these holy words. And then my mouth opened and I spoke before him. And I answered and said: "I had thought I would not see you again today — and behold, I merited to see you and to speak with you." He answered and said: "We must certainly see each other. And we are yet destined to see each other face to face again and again and again…" And he repeated this matter many, many times. And he promised me from afar that I would merit to meet him face to face many, many times — forever and for eternity. For at that time I had already traveled after Yom Kippur to Mohilov — and I had thought I would not see him again. And then I merited to return and to come before him as mentioned — and to write the awesome book mentioned above, and to hear what I heard — and to be with him through all the days of Sukkos and Shemini Atzeres and Simchas Torah. And then I had thought I would not see him that day — and Hashem Blessed be He helped me also to accompany him. And he added in his wondrous kindness and promised me from afar to meet face to face many more times, and so on, as mentioned.
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