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ימי מוהרנ"ת - Yemei Moharnat
וְעָמַדְתִּי לְפָנָיו בְּאוֹתוֹ הַלַּיְלָה הָאַחֲרוֹנָה שֶׁל יְמֵי חַיָּיו כַּמָּה שָׁעוֹת רְצוּפִים אֲנִי לְבַדִּי, מִן אַחַר חֲצוֹת לַיְלָה עַד אוֹר הַיּוֹם אֲבָל לא זָכִיתִי לִשְׁמעַ מִמֶּנּוּ שׁוּם שִׂיחָה וְהַכּל מֵחֲמַת שֶׁלּא רָצִיתִי לְהַעֲלוֹת עַל דַּעְתִּי שֶׁיִּסְתַּלֵּק, וְלא רָצִיתִי לִשְׁאל אוֹתוֹ כְּלָל מַה נַּעֲשֶׂה וּמַה נִּפְעָל וְכַיּוֹצֵא בָּזֶה וַאֲנִי מֵבִין עַתָּה לְמַפְרֵעַ שֶׁהוּא זִכְרוֹנוֹ לִבְרָכָה הָיָה חָפֵץ וּמִשְׁתּוֹקֵק מְאד שֶׁנִּשְׁאַל אוֹתוֹ וְנַפְצִיר אוֹתוֹ עַל זֶה שֶׁיְּסַדֵּר לָנוּ אֵיזֶה דְּבָרִים, אָז הָיָה אוֹמֵר לָנוּ אַךְ בַּעֲווֹנוֹתֵינוּ הָרַבִּים מֵרִבּוּי תְּשׁוּקָתֵנוּ אֵלָיו עַד שֶׁלּא יָכלְנוּ לְהַעֲלוֹת עַל דַּעְתֵּנוּ הִסְתַּלְּקוּתוֹ, עַל יְדֵי זֶה לא הִפְצַרְנוּ אוֹתוֹ עַל זֶה כַּנִּזְכָּר לְעֵיל
In the year 5569 — between Pesach and Shavuos — Rabbainu zichrono livracha prepared himself to travel once more to the holy community of Lemberg. And they had already prepared everything for the needs of the journey. And they had placed all the required belongings into the bags as is the way of travelers. And he was prepared to travel immediately. And the matter became known to us in the holy community of Nemirov that Rabbainu zichrono livracha would travel immediately to Lemberg. And we immediately urged ourselves and ran here in great haste. But when we arrived here — Rabbainu zichrono livracha had already reconsidered his journey and no longer wished to travel. And when we came here, we still found all the bags lying there with the belongings packed inside, ready for immediate travel as mentioned. But before our arrival he had already reconsidered as mentioned. And we understood from his holy words that there was a great matter and concealed secrets in this — why at first he wished to travel, and then reconsidered. And once he said that this too is from the side of the transmigration of souls [gilgul neshomos] — what happens when a person wishes and prepares himself to travel, and then reconsidering — as printed in its place [Sichus HaRan §195]. Study there. Afterward Shavuos arrived. And then tremendous, tremendous obstacles renewed themselves against me to be present for Shavuos. And the main thing that disturbed my mind was that people were urging me to ask Rabbainu zichrono livracha himself whether I should be with him for Shavuos — and not to look at such obstacles. But if I had asked him — he would certainly not have allowed me to be with him for Shavuos in any manner. For this was his way zichrono livracha: even though he wished that a person break through all the obstacles in the world and come to him — even so, when someone asked him about a matter that required self-sacrifice to be with him and to break great obstacles — he would deflect the person and tell him not to be with him. And warned him not to sacrifice himself so much to be with him. And said he had several reasons for this. And because of this, several people were pushed away from being with him for Rosh Hashana and at the fixed times — for as soon as they asked him he warned them not to sacrifice themselves to be with him. For in the path a person wishes to go, they lead him. And he had many other reasons for this.
וְעָמַדְתִּי לְבַדִּי לְפָנָיו אָז בְּאוֹתָהּ הַלַּיְלָה וְהוּא הִסְתַּכֵּל וְחָזָה בִּי בְּעֵינָיו הַנּוֹרָאִים הַרְבֵּה, וְכָל הִסְתַּכְּלוּת שֶׁלּוֹ, שֶׁהִסְתַּכֵּל בִּי הָיָה כְּמוֹ דִּבּוּרִים מַמָּשׁ וַאֲנִי מֵבִין עַתָּה כַּמָּה הִתְחַזְּקוּת וְכַמָּה עִנְיָנִים מֵהִסְתַּכְּלוּתוֹ בִּי אָז וּבְכָל עֵת שֶׁעוֹבֵר עָלַי, חַס וְשָׁלוֹם, מַה שֶּׁעוֹבֵר, בִּכְלָל וּבִפְרָט, וְהַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּנִפְלְאוֹתָיו מַצִּילֵנִי מִכֻּלָּם, אֲנִי מֵבִין, שֶׁהַכּל הָיָה מְרֻמָּז בְּהִסְתַּכְּלוּתוֹ כִּי הִסְתַּכְּלוּתוֹ הָיְתָה כִּמְדַבֵּר עִמִּי עַל מִי אַתָּה נִשְׁאָר עִם כָּל הָאוֹצָרוֹת הַגְּנוּזִים אֶצְלְךָ וּמַה יִּהְיֶה נַעֲשֶׂה עִמְּךָ, כִּי רַבִּים יַעַמְדוּ עָלֶיךָ וּמַה יַעֲשֶׂה חָלוּשׁ כָּמוֹךָ וְכוּ' וְכוּ' כָּאֵלֶּה וְכָאֵלֶּה וְיָתֵר מִזֶּה מַה שֶּׁאֵינִי יוֹדֵעַ בְּעַצְמִי הַכּל הָיָה מְרֻמָּז בְּהִסְתַּכְּלוּתוֹ שֶׁהִסְתַּכֵּל בִּי הַרְבֵּה הַרְבֵּה בְּכַוָּנָה בְּאוֹתָהּ הַלַּיְלָה וְכָל הִסְתַּכְּלוּת וְהִסְתַּכְּלוּת שֶׁהִסְתַּכֵּל בִּי אָז הָיָה שׁוֹהֶה בּוֹ אֵיזֶה שָׁעָה רְצוּפָה
And I knew all this from long before. But then — before Shavuos mentioned above — the obstacles pressed against me with such strength and expansion that it entered my mind to ask him zichrono livracha himself what to do. And then he himself would certainly have greatly prevented me from being with him as mentioned. But Hashem Blessed be He strengthened my heart — and also my companion Rabbi Naftali strengthened me greatly. And I was very, very careful not to speak with Rabbainu zichrono livracha at all about this. And my intention was not to travel here until very close to Shavuos — so that there would be no time left to send me back home. And also I could not be at home because of the sheer extent of the obstacles I had then. And I had great sufferings from all the members of my household and from my entire father's family and from all the people of the city. And I was compelled to travel to Rabbainu zichrono livracha some days before Shavuos. And I was very, very careful that the matter not become known to Rabbainu zichrono livracha.
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